LL, I think you may start to feel the resentment die down a little when you realize and SAY to yourself that you are staying because you have no desire to be a single mom with little kids and that you are afraid to strike out. Right now, it is just too easy to lay all that at H's feet and continue hating him for the choices you are making. You've accepted (and told all of us) that your M is dead but also said that you can't bear to move on, until you know that there's no chance that connection will resurface. But in the meantime you will not do anything to make that connection resurface because you believe the M to be dead. It is a catch 22 that you are putting yourself into, kwim?
I guess what I'm saying is that owning your own feelings regarding your M may give you some peace of mind. Saying out loud, "I am staying because I do not like the alternatives (single motherhood, etc)" is a whole lot better, mentally, than saying "This M is dead and it's all H's fault". THAT sentiment keeps you stuck in Resentmentville; I think it's time that you headed on outta that town, don't you?
Fwiw, if I were you, I'd be scared poopless. Being with the same man all my life, going from parents' home to his, having little kids...shudder!! I know you are a strong person and I am not suggesting that you aren't, but un-doing your whole life as you've constructed it so far would make ANYbody quake.
