I think we're getting somewhere. Sorry about the 2X4 but you needed it - LOL (y'know I do too - it's funny how we can see it clearly when it's someone else's sitch but not our own)
my childhood like my m was not terrible but it was far from ideal.
I could have written that sentence myself LL, it has taken me a very long time to understand the subtle emotional abuse that took place in my childhood. Like yours it was not terrible but we kids were used as pawns between my parents. My mother tried - God bless her - but she came from a terribly abusive background so I guess she just didn't have the wherewithal to deal right with us. My Dad too had problems as a kid and emotionally was (is) like a stone. It's taken me such a long time to realise the damage they did between them. But I think the biggest damage they did was to hang on in there and cling to each other when their R wasn't right. It set us up to put up with crap from partners. My sister - like you - got together with her ex-h at the age of 16 she clung on in there even though the R was bad for nearly 18 years until his continuing R with OW made it impossible for her to stick it any longer. She still believes it was the bad example set by mum that made her carry on through it.
I too stuck with my first real R for 8 years even though friends and family were all telling me he wasn't the right guy for me.
Whitelight said: You are getting to avoid your own issues. You're getting to avoid your own growth.... Everytime it's time for me to work on my writing or get somethign done I find myself thinking about my SO, then I realize I'm just focusing on his faults so as to hide my own.
That's right LL, that's what I did in my first R and after it was over I realised it - that he was so bad it was easy to be self-righteous. It was easy to avoid looking at myself. And I'm doing it all over again. This time I KNEW going into it that H was not what I wanted but it was like I was making a bargain with myself - that I didn't deserve more and I think again I was allowing myself to feel superior. He didn't deserve that because he is a nice guy. He didn't deserve to have me look down on him
A few months ago I read a book Narcissism by Alexander Lowen. Of course I read it with the intent of diagnosing others - LOL but there was a hell of a lot in there that really woke me up and realised where I had been coming from all these years.
You need to grow LL and you need to learn about yourself. And IMO you need to get away from being with someone you can blame. my childhood like my m was not terrible but it was far from ideal. Keep this in mind when you think about getting your kids involved in a D. Do you want them growing up with a less than ideal R as their only example? With a mum that is miserable with her situation and a Dad that thinks this is the way it's supposed to be?
during the 9 years before m he lived either with his parents or with a friend...I stayed at home....it's more than just transitioning from child to wife but more a problem of while we were dating our time together was limited...he worked a lot and was tired alot (that hasn't changed despite my wishes that it would and his promises that it would)
It seems like H never really engaged in this relationship for whatever reason. You accepted that, you accepted less than you deserve because you didn't believe you deserve more.
If you handle a D right, use all your DB skills, your kids will see two adults working through their difficulties and coming to a sensible compromise. I'm guessing they will probably end up seeing as much of their Dad as they do now, in fact they may see more of him because he will be more engaged than he is now. The most bizarre thing has happened to my Dad since Mum died. He is a totally different person to relate to and it is weird to realise the effect of having mum around had on his personality - it cramped his style (though he will still say he loved her). LL you may well be having the same effect on H and you may be robbing your children of seeing who their real Dad can be. You are probably robbing them of seeing the real you too.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
