you make some excellent observations...let me see what I can clarify or admit to not knowing.
Quote: Why not? LL you are absolutely not happy in this R and you are no longer at all willing to try to do anymore than you already have to change things (don't worry I do understand that). But why are you not ready to D?
Because I've never been a fan of Divorce when there are children involved but more importantly...though I've reached a point where the effort from me now feels like too much effort and not enough reward I'm still holding onto a shred of hope that pigs might just fly after all.
Quote: You transistioned from your original family into your relationship with H without giving yourself a chance to grow up first.
basically everything you say in the paragraph the above statement is taken from is so true I'm shocked no one else has ever pointed it out. I started dating h when I was 16 years old and though we broke up a few times in the 9 years we were together before marriage he's been it since 16...I did have two bf's before him but given the age I'm not certain they count even if somehow in my mind they do. during the 9 years before m he lived either with his parents or with a friend...I stayed at home....it's more than just transitioning from child to wife but more a problem of while we were dating our time together was limited...he worked a lot and was tired alot (that hasn't changed despite my wishes that it would and his promises that it would) while we weren't married if he was too tired to see me I'd go out with my friends or do my own thing...now that we're married he's tired more and I don't think it's best to spend all my free time with friends just because he's sleeping.
Quote: I am guessing that there is something in your background that didn't allow you to do that LL (did I read in your sitch a long while ago that your childhood was kind of difficult?)
my childhood like my m was not terrible but it was far from ideal. Strangely a large part of why I stayed with h was despite the fact that he had little time for me the other options weren't great...I could easily find a guy who was interested in me physically but not someone to go get an icecream with. Somehow I always ended up back with h...and even more bizarre is the fact that when we would get back together all the things that were lacking were suddenly there (time, affection him actually awake and attentive) but only for a short while...sort of like h knows how to get a girl hooked and then figures he's got her so he doesn't have to work at it anymore.
Quote: It's OK I am not suggesting you should be the one to provide that for him but unless you release him he cannot get it elsewhere either.
it's funny becuase I feel like I'm the one who should be released to get what I want. H seems content with the m just the way it is...has gone as far as saying this is the way it's supposed to be "at this stage".
Quote: If you face up to the fact that that is what you are doing then maybe you can at least ditch the idea that there is any R between you two and treat it solely as a business relationship. Set up separate bedrooms. Don't examine his soiled underwear. Treat him politely and kindly as you would any roommate or guest. Because you ARE getting something out of this LL and he is providing it. I have many times tried to get H to understand that I would prefer us to live slightly more separately than we do now but I am afraid he is the one who is clinging to the idea that we do have an R beyond the business relationship of providing a home for children. I would prefer if I only had to see him when he was in the mood to hang out with us and he didn't even live here the rest of the time -
But I don't feel like it's me that feels that way..I feel like it's him that does. Besides he's clearly said "I'm not going anywhere if you don't like it You leave".
