Looks like I hit a nerve, and for that I am sorry, LL. That was not my intent. You keep saying that you are looking for understanding, and I feel there are many of us here who DO understand you - and yet you don't feel it. So can you tell me what it would look like to you when you feel you are being understood?
Quote: ...it's been clear for a long long time that she does have a r with her h...they do spend time together...they do things together and for each other.
[snip]
I'm not happy when he's home for dinner...it's like having an unexpected dinner guest that changes the dynamic and peacful flow of things. Why should I lie and tell him I'm happy he's home?
This is where I got confused. I understood that you wanted to have a R w/ your H. - that you wanted to spend time together and to have sex more frequently. You point out that Sage has a R w/ her H. and that they spend time together. But then you go on to say that you don't actually like H. to come home to dinner - ie, spend time with you (& the kids) . . . IMHO, to get to the sex part, you actually need to spend time together - that is, good times together, feel good about yourselves and your partner, that your partner appreciates you and wants you. But if you radiate that belief that you actually are NOT happy to see him home, how is H. going to understand that you want to have sex with him? I'm confused...
Quote: so I should just ignore everything and play happy lil housewife and hope that it gets me somewhere?
You can fault me for not having provided an alternative solution to your confronting him with his soiled underwear, but I did NOT say you should "play lil housewife and hope" anything. I was just pointing out that putting someone in the unpleasant position of having to defend himself, particularly with something sensitive such as soiled undies, is not in my opinion helpful IF you are trying to have a good R with them.
So he jerks off - what does that tell you? That he's a normal person, and combined with the fact that you are not having sex, it tells you that there is some barrier(s) to intimacy in your R. My thoughts were along the line of working toward removing some of those barriers, and I thought that lovingly might be a better approach than with a stick. I know for myself that I would feel a whole lot more amorous to someone who told me that they missed me, that touched me lovingly even in passing, than to show me my undies and tell me I need a doctor. Just my 2 cents on that topic....
Quote: His point of view was to tell me what my problem is...more ridiculous excuses and blame throwing from him.
How different is this from you telling him his soiled undies are not normal, he needs to see a doctor, and telling us he's to blame for all that's wrong in your R.? Is there any room to hear what he might consider are some of the problems or barriers to getting to a happier place?
Quote: yup that's me the insatiable biatch that he just should have stayed away from. Man are you ever wrong.
Yikes, that's sure putting words in my mouth! I didn't say you were an insatiable bitch, nor that H. should stay away from you. I said that I have yet to hear about something that pleases you. His kisses are wrong, his timing his wrong, his coming to dinner is wrong . . . I was asking you to tell us something that's right, something good enough for you. I know there must be something in maintaining the position you're in - you are there for a reason and I wondered what that might be.
Quote: people like you think that's me being insatiable...I want more out of life than living like a roomate with my h while I raise the kids and take care of the house.
LL, what do you want?
what I wanted was some understanding. I can't get what I want out of this r but am not ready to d yet.
And what kind of people am I in your view? I don't think you're insatiable; I think you are extremely unhappy and angry. And I don't think that that will help you get what you want in your life. I think wanting more than a roomate is perfectly understandable - I would like the same in my life.
But it seems all my questions are moot - feel free to ignore them. Given your last statement I think that Haphazard's question is an excellent one:
Quote: Why not? LL you are absolutely not happy in this R and you are no longer at all willing to try to do anymore than you already have to change things (don't worry I do understand that). But why are you not ready to D?
What would it look like when you felt ready to D.? The kids would be older? You'd be financially independent or secure? You'd have found another partner? I'm just guessing wildly in the dark - do you know what it would be like to feel ready?
