what I wanted was some understanding. I can't get what I want out of this r but am not ready to d yet.
Why not? LL you are absolutely not happy in this R and you are no longer at all willing to try to do anymore than you already have to change things (don't worry I do understand that). But why are you not ready to D?
Is it because you have a comfortable roof over your head? No money worries? You are not ready to go out in the big wide world and make your way alone? Yes OK we can all understand that - you have little kids too. You got together with H a long time ago and you were young so really you don't know anything else and you are afraid of what's out there. It's OK to be afraid but you will have to face the fear LL. You transistioned from your original family into your relationship with H without giving yourself a chance to grow up first. I am guessing that is why the R doesn't fit anymore. It served a purpose, it got you out of your childhood home but now you are going to have to face a second transition. Many people do that much earlier than you have LL and work their way through many training relationships before they find the real one.
I am guessing that there is something in your background that didn't allow you to do that LL (did I read in your sitch a long while ago that your childhood was kind of difficult?)
It's an awful realisation to make but you are going to have to face it LL. If you are sticking with this R for now it is for selfish reasons. Realise that LL - you are doing it because you are scared of what is out there and you are cosy in your little cave. You don't even like it when H invades your home - LOL. But that is selfish LL, he is the provider after all, he is out there working hard to make it all happen for you and he is not getting much himself for that is he? It's OK I am not suggesting you should be the one to provide that for him but unless you release him he cannot get it elsewhere either.
If you face up to the fact that that is what you are doing then maybe you can at least ditch the idea that there is any R between you two and treat it solely as a business relationship. Set up separate bedrooms. Don't examine his soiled underwear. Treat him politely and kindly as you would any roommate or guest. Because you ARE getting something out of this LL and he is providing it. I have many times tried to get H to understand that I would prefer us to live slightly more separately than we do now but I am afraid he is the one who is clinging to the idea that we do have an R beyond the business relationship of providing a home for children. I would prefer if I only had to see him when he was in the mood to hang out with us and he didn't even live here the rest of the time - LOL
Look deep inside LL. Why are you still there? Then try to think outside the box of the standard Married R and do something different if you dont want to D.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
