Quote: Hi LL, I don't have much time this morning, but wanted to throw out a few questions & comments.
Quote: H is unwilling to discuss our r, he's taken a stance...he's doing what he needs to do.
I think many of us understand the frustration of an unwilling conversant - I'm sure you'll recall that both Sage & Slowly would have liked their spouses to discuss the a. - the why's and particularly how to recognize the warning signs and not go down that path again. And yet, neither of them have gotten the "talk" they so crave. However, they have managed to sit with their itch for a chat, and chosen to focus on what they CAN do to keep things going in the right direction.
I'm not familiar with slowlys' sit but know very well that my sit and Sage's have very little in common. It's much easier to sit with that itch for an r talk when you have an r with your spouse...it's been clear for a long long time that she does have a r with her h...they do spend time together...they do things together and for eachother.
You seem insistent on getting H. to talk about the R. which thus far seems to be a big, fat, cheeseless tunnel. I am wondering if you could put this push to talk on the shelf for a while and start focusing on smaller things - on those oppty's of telling him you're glad he's home for dinner,
I'm not happy when he's home for dinner...it's like having an unexpected dinner guest that changes the dynamic and peacful flow of things. Why should I lie and tell him I'm happy he's home? instead I just try to make the best of it. and perhaps returning that peck on the cheek you get with one a few seconds longer, etc. because I don't want to and I'm tired of persuing him...the rejection is not worth it. I know they are very small things, but it sure doesn't look like you're going to get that talk by insisting on it.
Quote: we had another argument monday night. I confronted him with his soiled underwear again...this time trying not to accuse him of any wrong doing but instead with concern that he could have something medically wrong with him as I don't think it's common for grown men to leak seminal fluid in their underwear on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis.
Oh dear, LL. C'mon, you didn't expect this sort of confrontation to go well, did you? Any sort of 'confrontation' and accusation or evidence of close scrunity only serves to put him on the defensive! I know it bugs you - but honestly, LL, did this get you any closer to ANY of your goals?
so I should just ignore everything and play happy lil housewife and hope that it gets me somewhere?
It seems to me you are bent on proving to H. that you're no fool - that you are watching him and just waiting to find the 'proof' you need to feel justified in leaving. If you look hard enough, you definitely will find it - rightly or wrongly - you will be able to convince yourself. Stop looking for everything WRONG, and start focusing on what's right....
what's right?? I'm tired of focussing on crumbs hoping they'll turn one day into a slice of bread when all they do is remain crumbs.
Quote: frustrated I let him know I don't trust him...his reaction to my concern left me feeling less trustful.
I let him know I'm not happy with the state of the m.
Well, this is great if indeed you want to put him on notice that you are leaving. But if you're here to save your m., then I'd say that telling him this seems to serve only to convince him that there's nothing he can do. It definitely seems that H. does NOT respond well to negative reinforcement, which is why I keep asking you to do small, Positive, things . . .
h doesn't respond to much of anything but what he does respond to is negative reinforcement...shortly after any such confrontation is when I finally get the crumbs of what I want...all the waiting or nice talk doesn't get it.
Quote: I interupt with a discription of one of his only two friends"
Stop interrupting! Give him a chance to express his POV - you've been here long enough to know that we spend a lot of time learning to Listen and to validate - not AGREE with whatver our spouses say, but letting them know we are open to listening and understanding their point of view.
His point of view was to tell me what my problem is...more ridiculous excuses and blame throwing from him.
Quote: still getting pecks on the cheeck hello and goodbye.
but they mean nothing he'd kiss my friends or his family the same way...and he still kissed me like that when he "loved me but wasn't in love with me"
I know they are not the kisses you crave. And your frustration is once again coming out LOUD and clear. But sweetie, there's just no pleasing you.
yup that's me the insatiable biatch that he just should have stayed away from. Man are you ever wrong.
There's not a single thing H. does that pleases you.
currently no there isn't much that he does that pleases me.
A peck on the cheek is still a gesture in the right direction - you can choose to build on what's good, rather than knock it down as not good enough. I'll admit that I do get that feeling from your posts, that nothing is good enough.
because it isn't good enough. I don't try to hid that fact from anyone.
Look, LL, it's ALL in your hands really - you have to decide one way or the other: are you here to try to save your m.? Or are you here to find validation for the decision to leave your m.? I'll say it again, either way I'm willing to support you, to help you clarify your goals and the best way of acheiving them, but after a while, just expressing what's wrong, what's not enough, and not trying to build on what's right, trying small, different things just doesn't cut it. I know you will tell me you've TRIED - but I am talking about NOW, since you've come back to the boards. I haven't seen any 'experiments' or listing of positive words you've expressed to H.
experiment? we've been together for 16yrs, married for 8, back together after seperation and d talk for 3 years. Experiment? do you think I don't know this man by now? he is who he is...he's not going to change...what he brings to the r is what he brings...it's not enough for me...people like you think that's me being insatiable...I want more out of life than living like a roomate with my h while I raise the kids and take care of the house.
LL, what do you want?
what I wanted was some understanding. I can't get what I want out of this r but am not ready to d yet. -H2H
