Hi LL, I don't have much time this morning, but wanted to throw out a few questions & comments.
Quote: H is unwilling to discuss our r, he's taken a stance...he's doing what he needs to do.
I think many of us understand the frustration of an unwilling conversant - I'm sure you'll recall that both Sage & Slowly would have liked their spouses to discuss the a. - the why's and particularly how to recognize the warning signs and not go down that path again. And yet, neither of them have gotten the "talk" they so crave. However, they have managed to sit with their itch for a chat, and chosen to focus on what they CAN do to keep things going in the right direction.
You seem insistent on getting H. to talk about the R. which thus far seems to be a big, fat, cheeseless tunnel. I am wondering if you could put this push to talk on the shelf for a while and start focusing on smaller things - on those oppty's of telling him you're glad he's home for dinner, and perhaps returning that peck on the cheek you get with one a few seconds longer, etc. I know they are very small things, but it sure doesn't look like you're going to get that talk by insisting on it.
Quote: we had another argument monday night. I confronted him with his soiled underwear again...this time trying not to accuse him of any wrong doing but instead with concern that he could have something medically wrong with him as I don't think it's common for grown men to leak seminal fluid in their underwear on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis.
Oh dear, LL. C'mon, you didn't expect this sort of confrontation to go well, did you? Any sort of 'confrontation' and accusation or evidence of close scrunity only serves to put him on the defensive! I know it bugs you - but honestly, LL, did this get you any closer to ANY of your goals? It seems to me you are bent on proving to H. that you're no fool - that you are watching him and just waiting to find the 'proof' you need to feel justified in leaving. If you look hard enough, you definitely will find it - rightly or wrongly - you will be able to convince yourself. Stop looking for everything WRONG, and start focusing on what's right....
Quote: frustrated I let him know I don't trust him...his reaction to my concern left me feeling less trustful.
I let him know I'm not happy with the state of the m.
Well, this is great if indeed you want to put him on notice that you are leaving. But if you're here to save your m., then I'd say that telling him this seems to serve only to convince him that there's nothing he can do. It definitely seems that H. does NOT respond well to negative reinforcement, which is why I keep asking you to do small, Positive, things . . .
Quote: I interupt with a discription of one of his only two friends"
Stop interrupting! Give him a chance to express his POV - you've been here long enough to know that we spend a lot of time learning to Listen and to validate - not AGREE with whatver our spouses say, but letting them know we are open to listening and understanding their point of view.
Quote: still getting pecks on the cheeck hello and goodbye.
but they mean nothing he'd kiss my friends or his family the same way...and he still kissed me like that when he "loved me but wasn't in love with me"
I know they are not the kisses you crave. And your frustration is once again coming out LOUD and clear. But sweetie, there's just no pleasing you. There's not a single thing H. does that pleases you. A peck on the cheek is still a gesture in the right direction - you can choose to build on what's good, rather than knock it down as not good enough. I'll admit that I do get that feeling from your posts, that nothing is good enough.
Look, LL, it's ALL in your hands really - you have to decide one way or the other: are you here to try to save your m.? Or are you here to find validation for the decision to leave your m.? I'll say it again, either way I'm willing to support you, to help you clarify your goals and the best way of acheiving them, but after a while, just expressing what's wrong, what's not enough, and not trying to build on what's right, trying small, different things just doesn't cut it. I know you will tell me you've TRIED - but I am talking about NOW, since you've come back to the boards. I haven't seen any 'experiments' or listing of positive words you've expressed to H.
