Is this true? Or can we assume that yesterday was not a good day, and today we can start again?
-H2H
In a large way yes it is true. This m was over probably before it even started. It's been a long time since h and I were "on the same page" as they say...probably before we even got married. I tried...H tried to justify his lack of trying by claiming to try in His way (working to provide for our future vs. working at building a r)
H never had time to talk with me about our problems (his lack of time for the r, his lack of interest in sex among the top two) when he would have time there was no resolve my concerns were just marked with "here we go again".
I felt and still feel that the only time in our r that h was able to be honest with me was when he was leaving.
h half heartedly returned...at first admitting confusion, being scared, wondering if "it" would be there with us, then admitting that he had to sacrifice for his family. We had some fun times together when he first started coming back but they didn't last and weren't completely meaningful...there wasn't much growth or connecting other than physically.
H is unwilling to discuss our r, he's taken a stance...he's doing what he needs to do.
we had another argument monday night. I confronted him with his soiled underwear again...this time trying not to accuse him of any wrong doing but instead with concern that he could have something medically wrong with him as I don't think it's common for grown men to leak seminal fluid in their underwear on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis. He grabbed the underwear from me and invesitgated them vigourously as if I were making it up. then said nothing more than well if it continues I'll look into it. I suggested this isn't something he should wait on...it IS happening now has been happening for a couple of months and is worth a call to his doctor just to be safe. H of course argued the timeline with me...I didn't bother to let him know I've got it in a journal back two months.
frustrated I let him know I don't trust him...his reaction to my concern left me feeling less trustful.
I let him know I'm not happy with the state of the m.
h went on to say "I don't know what you think m is supposed to be but this is what m is at this stage...we've got young kids your raising them and thats stressful I'm working to pay the bills and we just deal with it"
that is a course for divorce I tell him...if w is caring for house and kids and h is working to pay bills and they just go off and deal with their stresses on their own in their own ways they are only going to grow apart...then what attempt to have a r with a person that's just been their roomate for the past decade or more?
h then asked me "what did you go to your c this morning" I let him know I cancelled my last appointment...there's really no point in me going to talk to someone who doesn't think I belong with him. "that's great advice" says h
later in the evening after finding h lying on our bed sideways with the lights on we have more words....h says "you know what your problem is...see I surround myself with a certain kind of person.."
I interupt with a discription of one of his only two friends"
"what people who are popping pills (friend has been on paxil and other pills for a while...shared them with some drunken people at our 4th of July pty) addmitted alcholics who surf for porn on our computer"
"no...I surround myself with married people...you look at your friends...two of them are getting divorced"
as if the fact that one of my friends is getting a d has anyting to do with how I feel about my m. and I let him know though I don't totally disagree with her reasons for d (her and her h had been misserable for years) I don't agreee with how she's gone about some things
as far as the other friend...she had already filed for d when I met her and again...hell I even tried to convince her not to D.
Does it not matter that none of my friends were getting a divorce two years ago...a year ago...three years ago and I still wasn't satisfied with the state of this r?
silence.
more silence.
more him sleeping on the couch
still getting pecks on the cheeck hello and goodbye.
but they mean nothing he'd kiss my friends or his family the same way...and he still kissed me like that when he "loved me but wasn't in love with me"
on that note h did at one time after coming home admit to not being in love with me...but throwing my own words back in my face that being in love isn't important. Well it becomes important once one of you leaves the r as a result of it.
