drowning in it

[haphazard]

Hi LL,
Just spent the last few days catching up on your sitch – phew!
I guess I always check your posts when I come here because I always felt like our sitches were so similar (even down to the ages of our kids) and also now you’re one of the few left of the “old gang” that was posting when I was a newbie

I really know exactly where you are coming from, you have been dbing like crazy these 2 or 3 years and where has it got you? That’s just how I feel – I’ve made changes, I’ve tried when am I going to see results? It’s like all the DBing has done is make the WA more comfortable without changing anything for us.

I feel like I have fundamental issues with this whole DB process, I don’t think it is true that you can do it on your own that you are the only one that needs to change and if you change that will change the R. The other partner has to be clear that they need to make changes too they should not be let off the hook. If they want the R to work they have to do their part, if they don’t want the R to work then it’s not going to work no matter what the DBing partner does.

Things aren’t terrible they just aren’t the way I’d like them to be

But that IS terrible, just settling for what you don’t like is terrible. Just because he’s not beating you does not mean that you have to accept it. OK you have a nice house, food on the table blah blah, there are plenty worse off than you , quit whineing etc etc. We’ve heard it all. That’s NOT the point it’s thinking like that that has been keeping us in these unhappy Rs year in year out. YOU DESERVE BETTER and it’s because of whatever self-esteem issues you’ve had that you’ve talked yourself (and I’ve talked myself) into not believing we deserve better.

By all means keep up the good DBing but there is another necessary part of this which is to keep calling the S out on what they need to be doing. It seems like a contradiction in good DBing terms to keep calling them on stuff but I think that is the vital part of this that I and you too LL have left out. How do we DB well and still make sure the other half knows their part and knows whether they are doing it without going back to our old critical nagging ways that got us into this mess in the first place.

So now you know he’s not having an A – doesn’t really make it any better does it? I’m pretty sure H is not having another A – it doesn’t stop our R from stinking – it just means it really is about US and not about him being lured away by some floozy.

You’ve had loads of good advice, I am trying to learn from it too, but I sense that you are ready to move on. You felt like you needed an excuse, you wanted him to be having an A but you don’t need an excuse LL. Sometimes we feel when we have been in a relationship for a long time that we don’t want to throw away that long history that big investment – but ask yourself how much of the future do you want to throw away?

I know that this is a DB board I shouldn’t be encouraging you to move on. If you want to give it one more shot then by all means do that – but this time don’t let it be all on your side. Insist – I mean INSIST that he does his part. Give it a year – tell him you are giving it a year – tell him what you need from him don’t accept excuses. If he says he’s tired he works hard or whatever just say that’s just an excuse I want you to start working on this R or I’m gone. Everytime he backslides tell him he’s backsliding don’t keep feeling like it’s your fault. Men get lazy we know that TonyP told you that. If all goes well and at the end of the year you are happy, tell him you’ll give it another year


take care

Fran