Thanks PamelaC - you did capture my intentions perfectly. For the record, LL, I AM on your side and I think I do understand just how frustrated you are. But if I sit on the curb w/ you in a pity party, it won't help the situation a lick. So I'll stick around some more in hopes that we can see something together.
Quote: I don't mind the idea of looking at things from a different perspective but when they are completely out of the park and presented in a manner that makes me the bad guy I'm left with no choice but to defend myself.
LL, here's what I see. You took Walkingback's post and made it all about YOU - you took it personally, reading in it that you were being made out to be the bad guy. But step back a second . . . that post was ABOUT HIM, not you. It was about opening up to the possibility of what could be running through HIS mind. I'm pretty sure it was not meant to paint you as the bad guy. We really are on your side, LL - and yes, I'll call you out when I think you're out of line, but I can tell you that I am NOT judging you from a good or bad standpoint. I am interested in finding ways to help you change the dynamic in your M.
And I think PamelaC has a very excellent point for you. It is precisely the posts that you feel zinged by that you need to step back, take a breath, and re-read.
Quote: I'll admit I'm at my wits end here and have little desire to make another attempt...I'd rather it come from him. I've been trying here and there
I know you're tired, LL - I often feel the same way in my own sitch. And I do understand the statement "I'd rather it come from him" but it's not likely to happen and you KNOW that. So the "trying here and there" is just NOT going to cut it. It's like pulling out a bandaid when the patient needs a tourniquet. Not terribly helpful...
Quote: If I gave up quickly I'd have been gone already.
I was talking about giving up quickly in the moment. H. doesn't sit down, you don't do anything differently. H. changes his habits by calling you & coming home earlier, you don't change your habits. I know you are hanging in there, that you're back here on the boards. What I see is that if H. doesn't step up to the plate, which at this point I'm not sure he will (first), then you just let it be. To me this is about fear of rejection - it's easier to say "he'll never change" than to risk trying & trying and not sure you'll get results. And hey, I'm not blaming you here - I'm just saying you've got a choice to make and love your choice. Either you commit to "what IS" and decide you're going to try to find some new ways to move this lackluster situation around. Or you don't - you get to hold on to the "I'd rather he do something about it" line. It's up to you, LL. I've got no stake in it.
Quote: The kids are hungry at 5 waiting for dinner. It's all I can do to get the kids to finish their dinner and not run to the door to greet h. I wait my turn to greet h when we've all greeted him at once he seems overwhelmed.
I don't have kids, LL. But I still don't buy it . . . I have been around plenty of families and there are things you can do to CHANGE the usual response to something different. Off the top of my head: feed the kids a small snack at 4pm; feed the kids and WAIT to have your dinner w/ H.(Letting him know as he comes in that YOU waited for him); change their lunch hour so dinner can be at 5:30pm. etc. Yes, I know it's a "new" behavior for H. - but girl, we have to seize opportunities as they come, not when we feel like it, when we're good & ready or when we're sure this pattern of behavior is gonna stay.
Quote: I didn't have to say goodnight I could have just walked by as he does to me...it's not a grand gesture it's a baby step. What would you have me do? go in there and start talking to him? or worse yet not talk to him but lay there not tired (after all it was only 8pm) getting frustrated at him for hoggin up the bed.
No, you didn't have to say goodnight - but what good would that solution be? Why not decide what YOUR values are and live up to them? If you're like me, I have to say hello, goodbye, goodnight, etc. I find it very rude not too, even if I am feeling angry. So, whether or not the other person responds, I can at the very least feel good about living in accordance to MY values.
Can you tell me what would be so terrible about going in there and talking to him? If he's tired (which you say he's ALWAYS tired), is it too much effort to poke your head in, or sit on the bed and say SOMETHING . . . How about "I'm glad you've been able to make it home earlier this week. I like it." Or "You seem tired, are you okay? I'd like to tell you about the C. session, but if right now is not good, how about tomorrow?" Yes, LL, I DO expect you do go in there and DO something different. And I don't mean go in there w/ a bad attitude, but to go in with the hopes that one or two phrases can convey to H. that you are happy to see him (even if he's a tired slug...). Remember you were game to stick around and try . . . ?
Quote: You must realize that I'm screwed either way I look at it...
No, LL, I don't. I think you're screwed either way because you CHOSE to be. Because you are so tired, frustrated, sad and angry that you prefer to hang on to being a victim. But who are you hurting with that? That's right, YOU. You hurt yourself every time you don't reach a little more for what you want and deserve. YOU don't live up to the marriage YOU want. You don't give because you don't receive. And in my humble opinion, it just doesn't work that way.
I go back to my thought that you could probably do some work on what YOU communicate both verbally and non-verbally. I keep saying this, but your anger & resentment comes through loud & clear through the screen. I'm pretty sure it's got to be showing at home too.
LL, no one here is making you out to the bad guy. But I'm also not going to join you in the "woe is me" chant either. You're smart, straight, funny and a wonderful mom - and probably a whole mess of things more that I don't yet know about you. Get up, LL - let go of the tired victim routine and let's keep working on capturing the interactions and looking for some new twist to try, OK?
