Quote: Hi LL, I have been following along and will have some questions about what I see as certain opportunities to do something different. But I wanted to comment on Walkingback's post and your reply.
Quote: I do appreciate the attempt at looking through h's eyes at the sit but it's far from reality...
Hmmm, I see you've got the market covered on what H. is thinking and doing? ? ? ?
I never said such a thing...I don't believe anywhere in my reply I stated what he was THINKING...I simply stated his ACTIONS.
Walkingback's version, is of course fiction, it's just another possible viewpoint, as she doesn't really know H. nor has talked to him.
Nor as is apparent from her version has she read or payed attention to much of what I say here.
However, even though you DO know your H., I'll remind you that NO ONE can read anyone else's mind. And though you probably have a good handle on what H. could be thinking, I am somewhat shocked at how quickly the Frustration/Defensive reaction comes out in your response. Can you entertain any other interpretation to H.'s thoughts & behaviors than disinterest, lazy or self-absorbed? Do you hold any good thoughts about H.?
For a long long time pre knowledge of A and seperation I viewed h as a hard worker who was providing for our family...I could often be heard defending him when his own family would make statements to me like "I couldn't live like this, you guys don't do anything together" by saying "well h works hard so we can have what we have to share with you (they used to show up alot during the summer for cookouts weekly emptyhanded back then)" I don't claim to know H or what H is thinking that's part of my frustration. I don't mind the idea of looking at things from a different perspective but when they are completely out of the park and presented in a manner that makes me the bad guy I'm left with no choice but to defend myself.
LL, if you have already decided what H. thinks and what his intentions are and what his choices are, then I'm sure you'll find what you are looking for.
I don't claim to know what h thinks or what his inentions or choices are...I simply go with the flow. I'd like to know what h is thinking but all he has to offer is "that's just the way I am"
What room is there in your mind to search for something to help turnaround this situation?
I'll admit I'm at my wits end here and have little desire to make another attempt...I'd rather it come from him. I've been trying here and there...the past two fridays I've asked him to rent us a video to watch after the kids are in bed...though he says they look good he falls asleep within the first 5 min.
Throughout your last post you confidently determine H's thoughts, motives and 'wrong' choices or behaviors.
No I certainly DO NOT. I simply explain why what walkingback implies are H's thoughts don't make sense and give examples of his actions..I don't anywhere imply what h is thinking.
It seems as if you have a prescribed set of things that should happen when H. comes home - and when he doesn't do these things, you give up. Giving up quickly helps you avoid your fear of rejection.
If I gave up quicly I'd have been gone already.
I'm curious - did you ask H. to sit down and join the family at the table? Or did you just assume he didn't want to because he hadn't?
I didn't assume anything...he didn't sit with us means he didn't sit with us nothing more...the invitation was there to sit with us he looked at me and said "I'm going to get cleaned up and then I'll eat"
Didn't he tell you that he would be home earlier that day - couldn't you have held dinner for a 1/2 hour?
The kids are hungry at 5 waiting for dinner
I know you said this is a NEW phenomenon, but aren't you virtually ignoring the NEW arrival time by respsonding in exactly the same old way? What incentive is there for H. to come home earlier when he gets no appreciation for coming home earlier, or feeling welcomed when he does get home?
it's all I can do to get the kids to finish their dinner and not run to the door to greet h. I wait my turn to greet h when we've all greeted him at once he seems overwhelmed.
Quote: I got over giving hints a long time ago..I've told h directly I'd like him to set some time asside for us to connect (even suggested one night a week for a date night..don't even have to leave the house...) that I'd like for him to actually kiss me during our infrequent sexual encounters (even placed some listerine strips in his nightstand) oh and to have them be less infrequent.
At first I thought that maybe we should put "asking directly for what I want" in the "NOT working category". But there is still some doubt in my mind as to HOW you communicate directly what it is you want . . . Perhaps your straight shootin' requests come out as complaints, or criticisms? I really don't know, which is why I ask you to post the actual conversations you have - what you said, what he said, etc. It's the only way to attempt breaking down where things might be going awry.
When there's a conversation between us that's more than one phrase each and isn't about what are you doing today I'll let you know.
Quote: WB: I don’t think she wants to be near me.
LL: how could he get that message from me when I've asked him to make time for us?
There are MANY ways he could get that message from you, LL. What do you do or say when he gets home? Do you welcome him home, give him a kiss, tell him you're glad he's home in time for dinner? Do you keep to your attention on what you & the kids were doing? Do you ask him about his day? Does your body language & facial expressions reflect your firm belief that you already know everything he's thinking and what he's going to do?
depends very much on the day and how we are getting along or whether or not I've got the stomach to attempt play the act as if game or not.
LL, I'm not there - I can't see what's going on, but I do sense from your posts that you are so convinced that what you think about H. is true - that he chooses this rather mundane and affection-starved existence. If this belief is so deeply held, then there is no room for change - your mind is set on proving what you believe.
Thing is I don't believe it at all...but h seems to...when I ask about it he replies "that's just the way I am" and he's been that way for so long that I almost do believe him.
Walkingback's post is just a way of allowing your mind to consider a different POV. It's accuracy isn't so important, as it's ability to remind you that you CANNOT read someone's mind.
as I said, I've tried to see things from h's point of view...it no longer helps
Quote: WB: thinking maybe she’ll come in and we can talk and have a cuddle – but no – she’s in the basement for the rest of the night watching CSI or some other thing.
I said good night didn't I? he could have asked me to come in and I would have...if he's in bed he's going to sleep..I've fallen for the "well maybe he'll want to talk or cuddle" trap before it doesn't get me anywhere so I occupy myself until I'm tired enough to fall asleep without feeling rejected by him next to me.
C'mon LL - "I said good night, didn't I?" You're here because you said you'd like to turn things around - is this all the effort you're willing to put into this? You seem so angry at H. - seemingly so unwilling to really try something different. Oh, I know you're going to tell me that you HAVE tried - and I know you've done plenty. But to say that you said good night and that's supposed to magically give him an opening to say "aw, come here LL, let's cuddle" is just crock! IMHO, you're going to have lay down your anger & resentment for a little while in search of ways to put in a decent effort here....
I didn't have to say goodnight I could have just walked by as he does to me...it's not a grand gesture it's a baby step. What would you have me do? go in there and start talking to him? or worse yet not talk to him but lay there not tired (after all it was only 8pm) getting frustrated at him for hoggin up the bed.
I've got get ready for work, so I'll have to come around later. But I want to say that I was surprised to hear that he calls during the day to say hi and check in with you. I didn't get that from your earlier, less descriptive posts.
Because it's also a new phenominon...for the past 9 months or so he wasn't calling during the day was only calling @ 6:30pm when on his way home.
In my mind, there ARE opportunities to respond differently during those calls, and when he gets home. That is, IF you are willing to let go of your deeply held beliefs of what H. is thinking & his intentions.
You must realize that I'm screwed either way I look at it... I can accept h for who he is or what he presents...the hard worker who's happy to come home and have a meal cooked for him a nice couch and tv to sit on, kids to say goodnight to and a wife who cares for the home...the "that's just the way I am guy" well that leaves me empty.
OR
this isn't just the way h is and he's been lying to me for the past 15 years and actually is a person full of life and has the ability to have an intimate affectionate relationship but has hidden it from me for all this time.
That'd be great but how frustrating would that be and also how scary...to have it come to this (me shutting down and feeling like giving up) before he wakes up?
Do you hold any good thoughts about H.?
