Oh LL, I think I'm seeing a bit of that LL I 'knew' from your earlier threads!
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Maybe my frustration is keeping me from hearing what you are trying to say.


Bingo! I honestly believe this is true, LL. And I think I know it so well, because I was (and often still am) the same way. When my frustration or anxiety level gets turned up, I seem to stop being able to listen, learn and try.

I've recommended this book just about everywhere on the board, but I'll say it again that I credit reading The Lost Art of Listening with really changing the dynamic between SO & I. Note: we aren't back together, but we actually get along so much better than ever before - we talk everyday & see each other often. So, I'm not a 'success' story in DB terms, but I do feel very successful in having grown our friendship into something wonderful.
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H2H: And I'll even drive you nuts by saying I think it IS possible to change your H., or at least many patterns/dynamics in your M. But for that you have to be willing to do something differently yourself...

LL: Like what? I've gotten a life, I've tried to be more positive around h, compliment him, not nag him or make complaints, act as if etc. tried no r talk, tried r talk... I'm at a loss.


First, I do believe you have done many, many things to improve yourself. But I have also believed all along that your frustration was blocking you from finding new solutions, from listening, and from trying - and I think it's probably written ALL over your attitude & behavior.

So, now that I see a tiny crack in your mood, I'm gonna stick with you. Let's try to find something, anything new to try. I don't have a ready bag o'tricks, LL. But I'm willing to think along with you.

How long has it been since you've kept a solutions journal? Do you remember some of the small things you did before that H. noticed? How did it come about that H. decided to return home? (And before you start telling me it was JUST for the kids, I'm going to ask you to keep with me - what have you got to lose?)

You don't spend much time posting about the every day details. It would really help me see where there's some room for "something different" if you posted about any interactions you do have, okay? Can we make a deal? For one week, just keep posting the day-to-day stuff, keeping the complaints & 'done that' comments to a minimum. Game?
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need to start taking better care of me...
get back to a regular bed time regardless of where h has fallen asleep (just because he's sprawled all over the bed doesn't mean I can't move him over it's my bed too)
start working out again...starting is the hard part..always seems to be something else going on.
little things. The big thing being strong enough to make the decision for myself as to what I want to do.


I agree 100% - You have got to take care of yourself! It's so hard when frustration and other negative emotions seem so prominent, but we only feel WORSE when we don't get enough sleep and proper food & exercise. Make a commitment to yourself, LL. I know starting is a b!tch . . . um, I keep talking about exercising and so far only manage to give my fingers a workout on the keyboard!
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I'll admit that when I step back things aren't as horrible as I think when I'm allowing myself to get all wrapped up in it...but they still aren't great just subdued. My no use, been there done that attitude is obviously getting me nowhere...it's clearly frustration. [SNIP] I've done enough pouting, crying, screaming...I just want to find a solution


I'm glad you made an appt. with the C. and I'm thrilled to see you write that you can see it all slightly differently when you get your frustration out of the way!!!! I see an opening here, LL, and I'm going take it. As I said, I don't have any answers, but if you'll indulge me with a few more details and putting our heads together, I'm sure there is SOMETHING new you can try - and we'll measure results together.

Hugs,
-H2H