Quote: LL, I'm not sure how to say this so that it will be helpful and not construed as criticism, because honestly LL my intent is to help, not criticize. But I'm a pretty direct person so here goes.
H2H, I'm a direct person myself so don't ever worry about being too blunt.
WHAT exactly are you looking for here? understanding I suppose...posibly the magic bullet...I don't know.
Nowhere did I suggest that you haven't DB'ed enough or well. You did say it seems like I've given up on DBing
Nowhere did I mention that your changes should include your H or be about your M. Nowhere did I even mention your past changes - so whether or not they were plenty is irrelevant to me at this juncture.
make changes, make changes, make changes...there are only so many changes a person can make and still be themselves. There comes a point when all the changes they make still leave an empty feeling within them...a feeling of defeat...a feeling that no matter how many changes they make their spouse just isn't going to participate...then the only change is deciding to leave and that is not an easy change to make...especially when one can suddenly be dubbed a waw.
I simply asked YOU to define what you meant by "something's gotta change" - YOU tell me what that is.
At this point I don't think it'd matter if h painted the sky for me...I'd doubt it would last as I've seen the little attempts too many times before and they don't last...so I guess the only change is to be honest with h and take action.
Do you need me or anyone on the BB to give you an "OK" to leaving your H.? If that's all you want then, "OK, leave your H." But I really don't believe that's what you are after.
Does anyone really want D? maybe I'm hoping someone out there may be able to give me the magic bullet that may give me the ability to finally have the kind of r with h that I've been trying to achive for the past 15 years unsuccessfully. Or yes, helping me to feel that my decision to D (if I do) is OK.
I hear great tiredness in your posts - AND great defensiveness too. You so dismissed my questions about what those changes would look like that you long to make, or more accurately 'poof, appear'. You keep saying you've made all the changes you can . . . Sweetie, I'm not talking about THOSE changes. I am asking you to stop getting defensive, stop bringing up the past changes & efforts and tell us WHAT exactly is going to change and how are you going to do it.
Since I can't change h and his behaviour or lack there of the only change left for me is to leave him.
My guess from your posts is that this change you are talking about is that YOU are going to leave the M. That's what I understand. So okay, if that's the big change - what's it going to look like? How are you going to start implementing that? 6 months ago I let h know I wasn't happy with the way things were going. That I didn't know how long I'd be able to live this way...all he could say is "well that sux" last night I again let him know I'm tired of the excuses (too busy, too tired, too...to spend time with me, not kiss me etc) and I can't do it any more..that I'd like for him to think about how he feels about us. I have yet to hear from him today and it's likely that when I do he'll have nothing to say about our conversation...so on then to the next time I bring it up.
When are you going to DO something about the change you seek?
When I'm certain that there's no other option. When I'm ready to.
Stop seeking to justify your desired change or making it easier by blaming H. & a possible other A.
Why can't I blame h? he makes it pretty clear I'm just the wife. I could of course blame myself for making the mistake of marrying him knowing full well he'd be putting more effort into his work and watching sports than into a r with me...maybe I changed...or maybe I realized the pipe dreams he sold me were a fraud. I do blame myslef for believing him every time he said "next month will be better" or "next year will be better" or "I'm going to start scheduling a light day so I can come home" none of those things ever happend. Not because of an A but because I was a fool and let it be so.
If you're that unhappy, and you feel you've done everything you could do - then stop looking at H. and start planning what YOU, and only YOU can do to get where you want to be.
I don't really want to be a D'd mother of two. But since I can't change my h I guess that's what I've got to do.
Of course you deserve love & attention, we all do. I don't think I insinuated otherwise in my post. But we all know that you don't get much love & attention by casting stones & complaining.
and you don't get it by being lovingly distant, or quiet, or not nagging, or being supportive, or being attentive, you get it if the person wants to give it to you for being you...if you have to fight for it manipulate it..it's not there.
did you ever stop and think that I complain here instead of complaining to H? after all there really isn't time for me to complain to him..he's either not here or he's here but asleep.
Hmmmm, was I blunt enough?
Now, let me ask you again - What changes do you want to see happen? Are you moving? Are you filing? WHAT do you want to see happen in the next 12 months? Would perhaps taking a little time away by yourself help? I know you have small kids, but is there any way to take a long weekend and have some quiet time to think & ease up on yourself?
I'm done...call me a waw in a few years...when I'm ready I'll go...I'll be another statistic and maybe then my h will get it but of course as is typically the case it will be too late. 15 years is enough
