Thanks Lou and Gabriel (and Hope, I am so sorry about your XH).
I am aware there is more directness between us but I feel as if I am being pulled through the mill. One moment he's all sentimental, the next minute he's sending me nasty emails and being horrible, the next minute he's wanting sex from me and right after that, doesn't want to after all.
Then he's all cheery/upbeat followed by withdrawn and moody at the drop of a hat and I never know which one it will be. He says he doesn't want my support, then when I told him I'd have enough and was going to bugger off to Australia, suddenly he brings me a meal and is all huggy. He says I don't want you, I can't do this and in the next breath, says he's not pushing me away.
He says he's not depressed but he hasn't even cried for his father and it's been 8 days since his death. He just sits there listening to his music. He was even going through his alternative medicine book, looking for remedies for pneumonia and I was thinking 'Andy, it's too late, he's gone.' It's almost as if it hasn't registered with him.
Then there's my girls, of which DD2 concerns me. She was the one who reacted the worst to his death and she's been having these mega screaming fits ever since, over the slightest little things.
I am having to get used to having them around more (it isn't automatic like it should be) and I imagine it is the same for them.
There's all this wasp nest drama (they found a nest in the air vent in my bathroom) and I've had to have pest control out twice. My housework isn't up to standard, I have these overdue orders for work still to do (and probably complaints now) and since I stopped bleeding after 9 days, they had me on these drugs straight away so all the egg donation stuff is kicking off right NOW in the middle of all of this.
For the last 3 days I have been trekking to the hospital every day for blood tests and scans and injecting myself every night. They say 2 of my follicles are maturing already despite only having 6 injections (2 per night) so they are expecting that they will do the surgery next week.
I am having to handle all of this, and what the artificial hormones are doing to my mood, on top of everything else, and of course, Andy's on another planet right now, so he just doesn't care about anything other than his dad (understandable) and when I had to inject at his house, his response was 'Yuck, I'm not watching that!' and to walk out of the room.
Of course, in light of the recent m/c, and everything that is going on, I could have said no, but I already put off the 2 women for an extra 2 months because of my reaction to the chemo and the m/c and they would have had to find someone else. I didn't want another failure to add to my long list, so I decided to go for it and push through till the end.
I am flippin' exhausted though.
Spoke to Andy on the phone today and he says he does want me to have the kids tomorrow so I will go to the hospital, come back and get them straight away.
I would have a beer but that would lower the quality of my eggs
