Sorry to see you hurting. (((Jo))) Deaths of loved ones can really stir up a lot of tough issues/themes, especially unresolved ones.
Don't you just love ILs? Parents often don't see their power to do ill to a child's M, and can create such trouble when they refuse to let go and let their children live their lives with their spouses. Yet, you ended up in a positive place with your FIL. That is a happy note. I'm sure you'll find your own ways to celebrate his life.
Andy's responses to your direct communication tell me he's not ready to be more than a horse's arse at the funeral. I'd stay away to, and plan to do something separate, perhaps at home, perhaps with your DDs or with all 6 of you at another time. But only if your needs aren't neglected in the meanwhile.
I keep hammering away at self-care on this BB to folks, and its b/c I'm convinced that the LBS is in starvation mode in terms of love/affection/meeting of one's needs after the bomb or S/D. If we don't meet our needs, who will? Its not surprising that when the next storm arrives or the next snub or challenging behavior from the WAS occurs, we crumble more easily then when we are stronger. It takes love and care to grow and stay strong, and at this time in our lives, no one can do that for us. Its all about us in that sense.
There is s/t about parenting well that can help heal past wounds that occured to us at the hands of our parents. And, my guess is, that healing can convey to the relationship between spouses or co-parents as well, if both people care deeply for their children.
Forgive yourself for snapping at the DDs, Jo. Let it go and just keep enjoying your time with them, letting yourself be vulnerable with them, and feed each other with the mutual love you share. That is a major event in all this for which to be thankful - you've had your 4 DDs more.
Well, last night he phoned me and I ended up in tears on the phone and said some not very nice things.
Then this morning after I got back from the clinic I found a really AWFUL email from him. He is blocked but he emailed from my old business email address.
He said I was pathetic and he NEVER wanted to hear me mention him and EX-OW1 again, at least he had had feelings for her, whereas when I slept with people, I just f**ked around so that makes me an adulterer too and he never wants to hear me accuse him of adultery again.
He said he loved me but I haven't changed and I'm a bad mother for the kids so he can't be with me as I am.
He said I'm selfish and I didn't care about his dad etc etc.
Well, I read the email, cried, phoned him and said I've had enough, I can't take this anymore. No one appreciates me, you don't care, the kids aren't bothered, you hate me as a mother, I am crap at everything and I'm going to leave. I said I'd just disappear and go fruit picking in Australia, or something, then he'd never have to hear from me again.
He said he did like me as a mother and liked the pictures of Heaven and stuff I'd done with them and that he 'does love me but not when you're like this.'
Then I went to bed and basically stayed there all day. He phoned several times and I didn't answer.
Eventually at 4 o clock in the afternoon, I got up and answered the phone. It was him asking how I am. I said okay. He asked what I was thinking. I said 'nothing'. He asked if I wanted DD4 back yet. I said yes. He asked if I was having the girls overnight tonight. I said actually I feel awful, can we do it a different night? He said okay.
He brought DD4 back and left straight away. I made her some sandwiches and we settled in front of the TV.
Half an hour later, the phone rang again and it was Andy, asking if DD2 could use my toilet as he was still shopping in my town and she needed to go. I said yes but thought this was a strange request.
Then he asked 'have you eaten?' I said no. He said that he was going to get chips and did I want some? I said yes, okay.
A few minutes later they were all on my doorstep with the food! We all sat on the living room floor and ate, and DD1 and DD2 told me they'd found a video I'd made of DD1 when she was a baby, and they had all been watching it this morning.
Then they started reminising about houses we'd lived in and Andy joined in too. Then we talked about the funeral and I said that they should invite a journalist from the 'Which?' magazine as Andy's dad was the most loyal customer!
I said thank you to Andy for the food and he took my hand and squeezed it and put his arm round me. We sat there, hugging, and I apologised for bawling my head off yesterday. We hugged somemore, then I kissed DD2 and they left.
I will see them tomorrow as I am still watching them while he does funeral arrangements, just not overnight as my nerves are frayed.
Do you remember my DD3 got stung by a wasp in my hallway? Well, I have discovered it is a MAJOR problem.
There are wasps in my walls and ceilings and basically everywhere. I have noticed they have drilled holes in the hall wall, where they are coming out of, and also in the living room ceiling.
They are in the bathroom wall because every time we use the toilet or have a shower, we can hear them all buzzing.
I have killed 3 coming out of the living room ceiling, 2 in the hallway, about 4 in my bedroom, including 1 on my bed, and about 8 or 9 in DD4's room (they fly out of the hole in the hall wall, into her room).
I have called Pest Control but they can't come out till tomorrow morning and the walls are literally alive - ugh. DD4's room is a mess of toys but I'm too afraid to go in there to tidy as there are so many wasps. She has been sleeping in my room which is marginally better.
I was hanging out washing on this airer when one flew right over my head. I flipped. I am terrified of being stung to death (you can be if there are loads of them), so I'm going to Andy's place this evening and staying there overnight until Pest Control get here tomorrow.
I am well freaked out.
I'll update tomorrow as I can't use this site from his house.
I'm feeling so sad and depressed it's difficult to write this. I think I am getting depression again as I was in bed all day the other day and that just isn't me. My appetite is just gone.
I looked after the DD's for several hours on Sunday afternoon while Andy and BIL were talking to the person who is going to conduct the funeral.
I asked DD1 if she'd do my hair for me so she plaited it for me. She's really good at doing hair.
Andy and BIL came to pick me up. I said sorry to BIL re his dad and we all chatted. Got to Andy's place, Andy made coffees and the 3 of us sat and drank them. Then BIL asked me if I was going to the funeral. I said no. He asked why and I told him because I didn't like the people Andy was going with (i.e, EX-OW1).
BIL said he thought since that was over I wouldn't have a problem with it. I told him I would not discuss it, particularly not in Andy's house.
BIL said if I wanted, I could go with him instead of Andy. I can just imagine that now, Andy turning up in a car with EX-OW1 and Rose, and me turning up in a car with BIL who just happens to be my ex-lover. Ugh.
I said no thank you in a polite way.
I helped cook this curry for everyone and then we all ate together. After dinner the younger children went to bed, but DD1 sat on the sofa with me and BIL and we all chatted.
Then BIL went home and Andy asked if I'd dry up while he washed up so we both stood in the kitchen doing these pots. It was the same as when we were married, except for the silence. I just wasn't talking like I would have done then.
He said 'You're so quiet, what's happened to you?'
I told him I was drying up (literally as well as in an emotional sense, lol).
After I put all the plates away, he made me a cup of tea and he had a smoke and we sat in front of the TV all night.
First we watched a film with Michael Douglas in where he hires someone to kill his wife, except the person he hires happens to be her secret lover.
I asked Andy if he ever thought about hiring someone to kill me. He said no, 'I'm not that kind of person.' I told him he had the perfect motive for killing me. He said 'I know I do.'
He asked me if I had ever thought of hiring someone to kill him. I laughed and said no, but that once I got a junk mail from someone advertising as a hit man, and since we were going to court, I was tempted, LOL.
I told him that if I got desperate enough, rather than kill him, I would just disappear off to Greece, buy a little cottage on a hilltop, have my own olive grove and sell all these home made jars of olives to the locals.
He said
'You'd sell olives to Greek people?'
I said 'yeah, why not?'
He said 'what if global warming dried up all your olive trees and rising water levels plundered your cottage into the sea?'
I said 'Excuse me, Andy, I am dreaming - don't spoil my dream with your weather complications!'
He grinned at me.
Then we watched another TV programme about farming in the 17th centuary where they re-constructed a farm and workers from that time and basically lived as if it was 17th centuary. I said to Andy that I should have one of those pinnies and a floral dress and those head scarves I used to wear when we first met, and then I'd look like a 17th centuary lady.
He said I would and that he thought it would look 'cool.'
We basically watched TV half the night, sitting on the sofa next to each other. I don't have TV channels so it made a change. We kind of snuggled etc and then he started kissing me really heavily, and then pulled away and said 'Hang on, Jo, do you want this?' I said no, not if he didn't, and that if he did, he would only regret it afterwards like he always does. So we stopped and carried on watching the TV.
A few minutes later, he was looking at me with 'ILY' eyes so I asked him why he looks at me like that. He said he was trying to gage from my eyes, what I was thinking. I was at that particular moment, looking at a pig on that farming programme.
He laughed and then started kissing me again so I stopped again and said 'Andy, I know you. You don't really want me.'
He said, 'God, I think you're so sexy and I just really wanna f**k you.'
I blushed and tried not to smile. The hard talk gets to me, I'm afraid.
He told me that my hair suited me like that because he could see 'my features' more. I thanked him for the compliment. Then he said he was feeling 'vulnerable' because of his dad, and I said 'Exactly, Andy, why do you think I won't f**k you? You'll just blame me and say I came round here to seduce you while you are grieving and then we'll fight. You never stay, you just never stay.' He said he knew I wasn't that kind of woman.
He said he wouldn't regret it, but we stopped it anyway, and just lay on the sofa watching TV until he fell asleep. Then at 2.30am I turned the TV off and woke him up and he said 'Shall we go up to bed now?' I said 'You what?' He said 'Or there's a duvet down here; you can sleep on the sofa if you prefer.'
I said yes so he went upstairs to bed and I stayed on the sofa.
In the morning I got the girl's breakfast before he'd woken up and asked DD1 to show me how to use the perculator (never used one) and so we made him and cup of coffee and I asked her to take it up to him.
Then I got them all dressed etc and DD1 did my hair again.
Andy came down and I told him about this dream I had and we discussed it. He thanked me for getting the girl's breakfast.
Then it went downhill when the post arrived and it was all stuff to do with the funeral so he got very depressed/withdrawn. I offered to look after the girls on wednesday while he makes final funeral arrangements and said I could take them shopping to buy them outfits for the funeral.
He said yes.
We listened to his dad's favourite opera music in the car on the way back to mine (I don't like it personally but his dad did). I had to get back to let the wasp man in.
Then Andy said 'I know I shouldn't say this but this really isn't a good time for me, what with my dad and everything.'
I stopped him talking and said 'Andy, this is exactly why I didn't sleep with you last night, because I know you always regret it.'
I told him that I was fully aware how difficult his father's death was, even for me, and that I had been busting my gut trying to help him ever since. I said 'Don't push me away.'
He said he wasn't pushing me away, then he asked to borrow my fax machine to fax copies of the death certificate. I said yes.
They all left and now I'm in tears. This is way too much pressure and stress for me. I am thinking I should pull back my support of him to protect myself a bit more.
*huge hugs* Jo - I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now. I have no advice, too messed up myself right now to be any help. But know I'm thinking about you. And praying that peace comes your way soon.
Quote: I'm feeling so sad and depressed it's difficult to write this.
Yes it is difficult but I see more progress/honesty/DBing in this post than some of your other posts where you and he said angry things. I am glad to see you tell the truth without so much hostility/resentments going back and forth.
Thanks Lou and Gabriel (and Hope, I am so sorry about your XH).
I am aware there is more directness between us but I feel as if I am being pulled through the mill. One moment he's all sentimental, the next minute he's sending me nasty emails and being horrible, the next minute he's wanting sex from me and right after that, doesn't want to after all.
Then he's all cheery/upbeat followed by withdrawn and moody at the drop of a hat and I never know which one it will be. He says he doesn't want my support, then when I told him I'd have enough and was going to bugger off to Australia, suddenly he brings me a meal and is all huggy. He says I don't want you, I can't do this and in the next breath, says he's not pushing me away.
He says he's not depressed but he hasn't even cried for his father and it's been 8 days since his death. He just sits there listening to his music. He was even going through his alternative medicine book, looking for remedies for pneumonia and I was thinking 'Andy, it's too late, he's gone.' It's almost as if it hasn't registered with him.
Then there's my girls, of which DD2 concerns me. She was the one who reacted the worst to his death and she's been having these mega screaming fits ever since, over the slightest little things.
I am having to get used to having them around more (it isn't automatic like it should be) and I imagine it is the same for them.
There's all this wasp nest drama (they found a nest in the air vent in my bathroom) and I've had to have pest control out twice. My housework isn't up to standard, I have these overdue orders for work still to do (and probably complaints now) and since I stopped bleeding after 9 days, they had me on these drugs straight away so all the egg donation stuff is kicking off right NOW in the middle of all of this.
For the last 3 days I have been trekking to the hospital every day for blood tests and scans and injecting myself every night. They say 2 of my follicles are maturing already despite only having 6 injections (2 per night) so they are expecting that they will do the surgery next week.
I am having to handle all of this, and what the artificial hormones are doing to my mood, on top of everything else, and of course, Andy's on another planet right now, so he just doesn't care about anything other than his dad (understandable) and when I had to inject at his house, his response was 'Yuck, I'm not watching that!' and to walk out of the room.
Of course, in light of the recent m/c, and everything that is going on, I could have said no, but I already put off the 2 women for an extra 2 months because of my reaction to the chemo and the m/c and they would have had to find someone else. I didn't want another failure to add to my long list, so I decided to go for it and push through till the end.
I am flippin' exhausted though.
Spoke to Andy on the phone today and he says he does want me to have the kids tomorrow so I will go to the hospital, come back and get them straight away.
I would have a beer but that would lower the quality of my eggs
