I'm feeling so sad and depressed it's difficult to write this. I think I am getting depression again as I was in bed all day the other day and that just isn't me. My appetite is just gone.

I looked after the DD's for several hours on Sunday afternoon while Andy and BIL were talking to the person who is going to conduct the funeral.

I asked DD1 if she'd do my hair for me so she plaited it for me. She's really good at doing hair.

Andy and BIL came to pick me up. I said sorry to BIL re his dad and we all chatted. Got to Andy's place, Andy made coffees and the 3 of us sat and drank them. Then BIL asked me if I was going to the funeral. I said no.
He asked why and I told him because I didn't like the people Andy was going with (i.e, EX-OW1).

BIL said he thought since that was over I wouldn't have a problem with it. I told him I would not discuss it, particularly not in Andy's house.

BIL said if I wanted, I could go with him instead of Andy. I can just imagine that now, Andy turning up in a car with EX-OW1 and Rose, and me turning up in a car with BIL who just happens to be my ex-lover. Ugh.

I said no thank you in a polite way.

I helped cook this curry for everyone and then we all ate together. After dinner the younger children went to bed, but DD1 sat on the sofa with me and BIL and we all chatted.

Then BIL went home and Andy asked if I'd dry up while he washed up so we both stood in the kitchen doing these pots. It was the same as when we were married, except for the silence. I just wasn't talking like I would have done then.

He said 'You're so quiet, what's happened to you?'

I told him I was drying up (literally as well as in an emotional sense, lol).

After I put all the plates away, he made me a cup of tea and he had a smoke and we sat in front of the TV all night.

First we watched a film with Michael Douglas in where he hires someone to kill his wife, except the person he hires happens to be her secret lover.

I asked Andy if he ever thought about hiring someone to kill me. He said no, 'I'm not that kind of person.' I told him he had the perfect motive for killing me. He said
'I know I do.'

He asked me if I had ever thought of hiring someone to kill him. I laughed and said no, but that once I got a junk mail from someone advertising as a hit man, and since we were going to court, I was tempted, LOL.

I told him that if I got desperate enough, rather than kill him, I would just disappear off to Greece, buy a little cottage on a hilltop, have my own olive grove and sell all these home made jars of olives to the locals.

He said

'You'd sell olives to Greek people?'

I said 'yeah, why not?'

He said 'what if global warming dried up all your olive trees and rising water levels plundered your cottage into the sea?'

I said
'Excuse me, Andy, I am dreaming - don't spoil my dream with your weather complications!'

He grinned at me.

Then we watched another TV programme about farming in the 17th centuary where they re-constructed a farm and workers from that time and basically lived as if it was 17th centuary. I said to Andy that I should have one of those pinnies and a floral dress and those head scarves I used to wear when we first met, and then I'd look like a 17th centuary lady.

He said I would and that he thought it would look 'cool.'

We basically watched TV half the night, sitting on the sofa next to each other. I don't have TV channels so it made a change. We kind of snuggled etc and then he started kissing me really heavily, and then pulled away and said
'Hang on, Jo, do you want this?'
I said no, not if he didn't, and that if he did, he would only regret it afterwards like he always does.
So we stopped and carried on watching the TV.

A few minutes later, he was looking at me with 'ILY' eyes so I asked him why he looks at me like that. He said he was trying to gage from my eyes, what I was thinking. I was at that particular moment, looking at a pig on that farming programme.

He laughed and then started kissing me again so I stopped again and said 'Andy, I know you. You don't really want me.'

He said, 'God, I think you're so sexy and I just really wanna f**k you.'

I blushed and tried not to smile. The hard talk gets to me, I'm afraid.

He told me that my hair suited me like that because he could see 'my features' more. I thanked him for the compliment. Then he said he was feeling 'vulnerable' because of his dad, and I said
'Exactly, Andy, why do you think I won't f**k you? You'll just blame me and say I came round here to seduce you while you are grieving and then we'll fight. You never stay, you just never stay.'
He said he knew I wasn't that kind of woman.

He said he wouldn't regret it, but we stopped it anyway, and just lay on the sofa watching TV until he fell asleep. Then at 2.30am I turned the TV off and woke him up and he said
'Shall we go up to bed now?'
I said
'You what?'
He said
'Or there's a duvet down here; you can sleep on the sofa if you prefer.'

I said yes so he went upstairs to bed and I stayed on the sofa.

In the morning I got the girl's breakfast before he'd woken up and asked DD1 to show me how to use the perculator (never used one) and so we made him and cup of coffee and I asked her to take it up to him.

Then I got them all dressed etc and DD1 did my hair again.

Andy came down and I told him about this dream I had and we discussed it. He thanked me for getting the girl's breakfast.

Then it went downhill when the post arrived and it was all stuff to do with the funeral so he got very depressed/withdrawn. I offered to look after the girls on wednesday while he makes final funeral arrangements and said I could take them shopping to buy them outfits for the funeral.

He said yes.

We listened to his dad's favourite opera music in the car on the way back to mine (I don't like it personally but his dad did). I had to get back to let the wasp man in.

Then Andy said
'I know I shouldn't say this but this really isn't a good time for me, what with my dad and everything.'

I stopped him talking and said
'Andy, this is exactly why I didn't sleep with you last night, because I know you always regret it.'

I told him that I was fully aware how difficult his father's death was, even for me, and that I had been busting my gut trying to help him ever since. I said
'Don't push me away.'

He said he wasn't pushing me away, then he asked to borrow my fax machine to fax copies of the death certificate. I said yes.

They all left and now I'm in tears. This is way too much pressure and stress for me. I am thinking I should pull back my support of him to protect myself a bit more.