The thing is, we ARE lovers a lot of the time, and no nearer. Then we're not lovers (like now) yet it's still there, underneath the surface, and I'm supposed to be his 'ex' when this happens.
I cannot tell you how difficult it is to be 'friends' or even 'civil', if not friends, with someone who left you, who says you are an ex, yet looks at you every time with heartbroken eyes and eyes that say 'ILY' all the time.
It's nearly impossible to be friends with someone you know wants you, which he does. Ugh. It just makes me feel hateful towards him.
Andy and girls arrived 9.45am on the dot. Makes a change for him. On the way there I told him that the people at dance class aren't aware of my sitch. I just told them that I have 4 kids and the dad is called Andy (true, I'm sure you'll agree), so I asked him not to introduce himself as my ex.
He nodded but looked pissed off and said I was 'lying' to people. I said no, I just didn't tell them and that's not the same as lying. I said to him 'why should everybody I meet have to know my personal life?' - it's a dance class, not a therapy room!
I got angry really quickly, because I wasn't asking him to say he was my husband, just to say he was Andy, or their daddy, but not 'ex' (I hate that term). I said 'Do you want to go with us or not?'
He said 'Yes, I didn't mean it like that.'
I think in reality he was pissed at me for saying I wasn't going to his dad's funeral. He said 'You said you were going before, why have you changed your mind?'
I said 'No Andy, I just didn't say anything; you assumed I would go. I can't with OW there.'
He said it was about his dad, not me or him or OW. I dropped the subject and luckily the teacher forgot her keys and had to go back and get them so we were sat outside the hall for 30 minutes waiting, and we both calmed down before the class started.
I asked him how he was about his dad and he talked briefly about it (the kids were there), then I introduced the children to my friends who have never met them, and introduced Andy to everyone.
It was a Halloween dance session today and everyone had to act out goblins and monsters etc. I caught Andy smiling at me when I was pretending to be a 3-headed monster with DD4 and DD3.
Then the teacher got out these different coloured scarves and told us we had to use them to create different Halloween creatures. I used a black one with stars on as a cape and a green one over my face as a witches costume, and DD1 used a blue one as a wizard's cape.
Andy turned DD4 into a huge green catapillar and he put 1 scarf on as a cape and another one, he tied round his head like a turban!
When the teacher asked us what we all were, I answered 'I'm a witch, but then they know that already!' and everyone started laughing!
Then she asked Andy what he was, and I answered for him 'He's Bin Laden!'
Everyone roared with laughter, even Andy! He did look a bit like Bin Laden with the turban and his beard! LOL.
The teacher took a photo of us together (I've got it here) - apart from DD2 and DD3 who didn't want to be in the picture.
On the way out, DD4 started crying because she wanted to go with daddy, so I told him he could take her to his aunties (he is discussing the will with her) and that I'd meet up with him later.
He agreed, looked at me with those 'God-I-really-want-to-shag-you' eyes (I hate it when he does that, really confuses me), reached out and touched my arm, then I waved them off, and used my free time to go grocery shopping.
Got in a couple of hours later, sat down, made a few phone calls and then they all barged through the door again! All my millions of shopping bags were backing up in the hall. He looked preplexed and said 'You can't have carried all those home, surely?' 'No' I said, 'I didn't.' 'What did you do then?' 'That's what taxi drivers are for', I laughed.
Andy collapsed on the sofa, looking totally shattered, while I unpacked the shopping and put some lunch on for the girls. Made some lunch for Andy, and coffees.
The girls built an entire town out of lego bricks and played in the garden. I talked to Andy about his dad etc for a while.
DD1 fell over and scraped her shoulder badly so I put anti-septic cream on, and band aids and made her drink water with camomilla in it (pain relief) - she was howling for about an hour
Andy asked if I'd look after them Saturday and Sunday night (he's organising the funeral). I said yes, but only if he had DD4 Friday night because I have to go to the clinic at 8am next day. He said yes. That's quite something, we don't normally swap them, never have, from what I remember.
Then he fell asleep on the sofa and I did too (we are both shattered). I woke up a few minutes later and found his arm round me and he kinda snuggled in closer. I was thinking, are you unconscious?? But he opened his eyes and kissed me on the top of the head.
Then DD1 and DD2 came in complaining that those boys were throwing stones at them so Andy went out to reprimand the boy and his mother came out and started yelling swear words at Andy (no wonder those lads are so awful with a mother like that) and I shouted across the street for her not to talk to Andy like that and keep her boys away from my daughters.
She drove off after giving us both the finger. Delightful woman.
Then they left and I'll be seeing them tomorrow evening.
Work has been fairly good lately, had an unusual cluster of book orders which was nice, even sold out of a couple of titles (not my own).
Publisher made a big mistake on my vaccination book - I was in the middle of proof reading it while Andy's dad was in hospital etc and the publisher asked me to email him with any corrections. I did so, but only after Andy's dad died. The publisher forgot what we'd said so he went and sent the draft version to the press by mistake and I had to stop him. He was very apologetic but the press are going to charge him now; he'd better not expect me to pay for it.
Anyway, the vaccination book has an ISBN number now! 1-59344-137-1.
I went to the bank today and banked my wages for the magazine article and I went to the antique shop and flogged these old antiques I've got which are valuable. The lady was only going to pay me �60 for them (about $100) but I said no and that I wanted more so she plea bargained and I managed to get a bit extra I've now used the extra income to pay for my Christmas holiday this year, so I am well pleased
Andy is coming round later as I asked him to have DD4 tonight (I'm going to the clinic really early tomorrow morning). I'll write an update on that later.
I don't know why I bother to write this. No one is bothered and it doesn't even help. I think I should just leave this board for good. I've often said that but I think so this time.
Andy came to fetch DD4 and my other DD's came in. They started complaining they were hungry so I offered to make pizza. They accepted.
We all chatted and DD4 showed them her witches hat for Halloween. Then Andy asked if I was going to his dad's funeral. I said no.
He asked why and I said because of EX-OW1 and there was no way on earth I would ever go anywhere with the woman who slept with my husband.
He started shouting immediately and saying how stupid, ridiculous and paranoid I was (this was right after I cooked him a meal). I just walked out of the room, into the kitchen and said nothing, but I was crying.
The girls wanted cake so I was trying to cut pieces of cake but couldn't do it as I was just crying too much. DD2 came in and stared at me and I shouted at her 'What the flippin' hell are you staring at? I'm not a flippin' goldfish!!'
She walked out again.
Andy came in and said he was sorry for upsetting me and tried to touch my arm but I was just too upset to look at him. I started trying to look for spoons but my kitchen light doesn't work so it's difficult in the dark.
He said EX-OW1 didn't steal him as we were already separated. I just screamed at him 'YOU WERE STILL BLOODY MARRIED TO ME, YOU ARSEHOLE, WHATEVER EXCUSE YOU WANT TO MAKE, THAT WAS ADULTERY, AND I AM NOT GOING TO HEAR YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!'
Believe me, I yelled so loud half the neighbourhood heard me.
He stopped trying to defend himself and said that he and EX-OW1 were over now, she was an ex, so what was my problem?
I said she had slept with him, over or not, it happened and he actually had the nerve to say he was arriving at his dad's funeral with her in the same car?
He said 'so what? Everyone know's she's an ex.'
I said 'what about my feelings? What about how much that will embarrass, humiliate and hurt me!? Haven't you already hurt me enough!?'
He just said 'she's an ex too and she doesn't have a problem with going.'
I just screamed at him then, how dare you bloody say that to me, I am NOT just an ex!!! Don't you compare me to her, you complete bastard!! That's all you think of me, isn't it?? Just an ex and nothing more!!!!!'
He said no, that's not what he meant. I said that he didn't respect me enough to honour the role that I played as mother to his dad's grandchildren and wife to him for years on end and he placed more importance on a 'friend' of his father's than someone like me who was family.
I said you think this is easy? You think you're the only one who lost a father!? Well, I lost a father too. He was there since I was 10 years old, I lost a friend, I lost my children's grandfather, and not only that, I also lost my baby recently! Yet still I have tried to be supportive and ask how you're feeling and look after the kids whenever you want; I clean your house, I cook for you, I do everything I can think of to make this easier when I am grieving too, and you repay me by inviting EX-OW1 to his funeral so now I can't even pay my respects!?
He said I could, I was just being pig headed. I said that he didn't treat me like a human being with feelings and that I didn't expect to have them over for dinner, agree to do all his babysitting when he just shouted at me in my own house!
Then I just bawled, for my lost marriage, my lost family, my lost baby, his father and everything all at once.
Of course, he ate his food like nothing had even happened and then walked out.
I am totally shattered and spent the last 2 hours sobbing.
You have been through a great deal of stress and it is alright to be "human" with emotions. It would have knocked down even Superman! Take some really TLC of yourself and perhaps sneak in a good bubble bath to soothe away those frayed nerves.
Andy is truly Mr. Clueless!! I'd love to fly over the pond to give him a hard, swift kick in the a$$!! I guess when people are depressed...it seems that empathy goes out of the window.
I have tears in my eyes after reading that. How hurt you must be and I am so sorry. I think this is the first post of yours that I have read, but I am going to try to get the time to read thourgh your sitch.
I'm sorry I don't have something wonderfully comforting to say, I can only offer a cyber hug and my condolences for your loss.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
We all care very much about your sit.! Those of us that know about your sit. are very concerned about you, we all want things to settled down and for you to have peace and happiness in your life.
Now that you have truly vented to Andy about how you feel, hopefully you will feel some relief. It was ok to lay it out on the table so he knows how you feel, its perfectly ok to cry and grieve during sad and stressful times.
Jo I am praying that one day soon the hurt will go away. Jo please try to block the hurt of yesterday and the past out of your mind. Try your hardest to focus on today and the good things and your future dreams. You are a very talented and awesome person, You may not feel it right now but you are!
Again I suggest reading "The Purpose Driven Life", (I only keep suggesting because I consider you a friend and want to help) it has made drastic changes in my life which are very positive.
I promise you if I can stay focused the way I am now I will have busted my D by the end of the year.
The pain you are feeling right now is palpable. And we have all been in your position, albeit in our individual circumstances. I do think that a mother losing her children is particularly painful, which is not to say that a father's pain is not terrible, but the physical thing of carrying a child, birthing it and breastfeeding it etc makes for that extra level of attachment, IMO. Sometimes there are shades of jealousy from the father in this situation, that he can't do certain things like a mother can. Could this be the case with Andy? The fact that he has taken them away from you, to home educate them, and won't share them more even though you are willing? The fact that he has constantly criticised your mothering skills, although it is not apparent what he is criticising exactly, apart from the neglect of them some years ago, when you were depressed - because he had walked out, correct? Would he get less state benefit if he allowed you more access to them?
You said earlier that your marriage was fine and he was a model husband up until the time he left. What made him leave then?
I am trying to understand a little more so as to see the bigger picture.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I wasn't going to come back on here. I've been crying all day. I have had the worse day ever.
We had a lot of 'external' problems with our M (ie, not the fault of him or me). First we were very young (16 and 19) and our parents didn't want us to be together so they tried to keep us separate the first few months and we had to sneak around in secret. Then my mother threw me out of home aged 16 because I refused to leave him so we effectively had to move in together very quick as I had no where to live.
His mother also hated me and would pick fights every time we visited, usually ending with me in tears and Andy feeling torn between me and his mother.
Then we had sexual problems because of a medical complaint, VS, that I suffer with, and had 9 months of celibacy (very distressing), me in pain all the time, trips to hospital etc. Finally got it under control with steroids and managed a SL but with a great deal of pain for me so then Andy blamed himself for 'hurting me' and then he would refuse to have sex and be afraid to hug me in case it led to sex and then he hurt me. I had to persuade him to ML in those early years and I felt unattractive. Sometimes he would initiate but then always racked with guilt after because I was in pain.
I told him once to leave me for a 'proper' woman with 'normal' ladies bits and he broke down crying and said he never wanted to hear me say that again, and he didn't care if we never ML as long as he could be with me God, I felt like a [censored] then
I have to leave this post and continue later - he's coming round.
Then I also suffered with hyperacusis (a painful ear complaint) for 11 years and it wasn't diagnosed until 2000 so I was in agony for most of our R without a reason for it. I couldn't go to discos, bars etc because of this so Andy used to stop at home because he felt bad about leaving me stuck there on my own.
As a result we only got to go out about once every 3 months and I was a bit weepy/snappy because of being in pain all the time.
Then of course there was my teenage pregnancy with his baby and the parents went mad, basically did a hate campaign all the way through my pregnancy, emotional abuse stuff etc so I was in tears and he was trying to defend me to the relatives.
They threatened to boycott our wedding and then when DD1 was born until the M ended, they interfered with how we brought them up, kept reporting us to Social Services, causing fights all the time etc etc.
We had a lot of love for each other so we could bear the brunt fairly well, usually. Then my business took off so I was working more and more hours on that (and neglecting him) and he opened a shop and was working all the hours God sent at that, and he'd get in at 10pm without letting me know, then I'd be nagging him 'where have you been?' etc.
I didn't realise at the time but I turned into Mrs Nag. We also had all our children in quick succession which was a mistake - I would have a bigger age gap between them if I did it again - although giving birth several times did help ease the VS and we got to have a good SL because of them.
Anyway, one day after we'd both worked 60 hours plus and the kids were playing up, he just snapped, 'that's it, I've had it!'
After the 'bomb' he stormed round to his mother's house and told her he hoped she was happy, because our parents caused 70% of our arguments (true) and if it wasn't for her, he'd still have me.
and he put 1 scarf on as a cape and another one, he tied round his head like a turban!
Take some really TLC of yourself and perhaps sneak in a good bubble bath to soothe away those frayed nerves.