I went back to the IVF clinic this morning. I am still bleeding so they've done nothing yet, but will be starting a new cycle.
They had to re-do all my blood tests, HIV etc that I had done in April because it's a new cycle. My arm hurts now
They reckon a new cycle would take half the time as I can't have the other injections I was on as I reacted to them too badly, so I would only have the stimulating drugs and not the down regulation ones.
I went into see the consultant and he asked me questions about the reaction I had and my symptoms and he wrote it down in his notepad and said he would remember it in case other patients reacted to it. My estimation of him went up as that is very responsible and good of him.
I got a prescription for a new drug (which I am not having yet) and he said they would phone me when they want me to take it. Probably in another few days or a week when the bleeding has stopped.
After everything has settled down with the m/c they will have me on this new drug together with a stimulating drug for maybe another week to 10 days and then they'll remove the eggs.
I told them that Andy's dad has died so I don't want to be operated on while he is having a funeral, and they said it would be after that point.
People might think I'm crazy but this is even more important to me now what with my own pregnancy not working and then Andy's dad dying. I want to help create life.
Got a cab driver who was black, and as we got in the car, DD4 piped up really LOUD 'Mummy, why has that man got black skin?'
I told her that God painted him. He overheard and laughed, then said 'I was out in the sun too much so I browned nicely'
I am glad he had a sense of humour about it.
Got home with a sore arm, made some lunch and did my counselling helpline (1 caller talked for a whole hour). Then I called Andy to ask if he needed me to look after the girl's while he went to his dad's house. He said he already was at his dad's house. I asked if he still wanted the girls to come to dance class with me tomorrow. He said yes, and he said he would come too.
I asked how he was and he said okay, and I passed some good wishes onto MIL and BIL.
We arranged to meet at 9.45am tomorrow.
At some point I am going to ask him if he will hold my hand while they put me out for the operation (need general anasthetic because of the VS), as I'm scared to death, but now isn't the right time, so I might wait a while before I ask.
If he doesn't want to, I will ask a nurse to hold my hand instead.
Geeze, Jo, I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be around ILs or your own family even!!!! I thought you "wanted" to go to the funeral but was afraid of what others would think of you. If you don't want to go, then you definitely shouldn't. You owe his family nothing!!!!
I also understand your anger. Dealing with FIL's death has brought all of those negative feelings about family to the front.
Sorry you're going through all of this and that you feel crummy too. Take care of yourself.
BTW, all your cyber friends will also be holding your hand during your surgery.
Andy just phoned me. He always manages to make me feel depressed
He said he'd forgotten about the dance class and double-booked with his aunty to discuss funeral arrangements. He said, though, that he'd postpone her and still come with the girls to the dancing.
He told me the funeral would be next Friday. I told him I wasn't prepared to go as his ex. He said 'Go as his daughter-in-law, then.' I said 'I'm not his daughter-in-law, not anymore.' He said 'Maybe not legally, but that doesn't matter, does it?' (Er, actually it DOES matter, yeah). I said I would only go if we went together and walked in there together. He said okay but that he would be pretty busy with everything so he couldn't stay near me all the time. I said fair enough.
Then he said EX-OW and Rose wanted to go too. I said 'why would they be going?' He said because his dad liked them (evidently more than me, I was thinking). I asked if they would be travelling in the same car as Andy. He said 'Yes, but you can handle it for one day, can't you? For his funeral??' (Er, NO. How many women could handle travelling a 2 hour round trip with their lover and his ex-lover and daughter in the same car????).
I said 'No, Andy, I can't do that for you, or even for him. I'm not going as an ex and especially not if they are going too.'
He said 'Well, I don't know if they are going yet or what the travel arrangements will be.'
I said 'Sorry, but I can't promise you anything.'
That's that then. I've made up my mind. No funeral. I am in tears now (grief, anger, sadness??? I dunno).
That's my upset noise...at you Jo. He is making a ton of effort. Everything you wrote says he wants you to be there. He said the appropriate thing..."as your FIL" and you blew it off with "not any more". Forgive me, I'm with Andy. Can't you be around OW for this occasion?
What if you said.."will you hold my hand for the procedure" and he said..."I wouldn't feel comfortable with that...I'm not your husband"? Friends, if you are that, are there for each other even when the circumstances are uncomfortable. This is about the death of his father and him wanting you to be there. Don't make it about you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
No actually I can't put up with the OW and if you are ever in my position, you would see why. There's no one else aside from him that would expect me to be there.
If my DD was flippin' getting married and he was turning up with OW I wouldn't go. I feel so strongly about it and so negative about it that I can't put anyone else's feelings first, and what's more I don't give a crap if it's selfish. I have to look after me first because no one else does.
You're right it isn't about me, there's so little of it that is about me that I don't even genuinely know whether FIL would have wanted me there. Sometimes, Wes, I just get sick of always being the one who is expected to be supportive and put my feelings aside as if I haven't got any. I am not made of iron, and I'm NOT his DIL, it's about time Andy faced that.
Re your comment about the hand-holding; you're right. So why do you think I haven't asked him yet?? Because he's not my husband and I know for a fact he wouldn't care if I was scared. It's a fantasy of mine, to have him there. By the time they operate, I hope to be over my fear. It was my choice to do it and for atonement, so come hell or high water I will do it even if I am scared.
And another thing, when did I ever say I was his friend? No way will I ever be his friend. I have always said to everyone on here that we are either together or not, I don't do half-measures and I'm not his friend.
We ocassionally meet up for the kids but we don't have a friendship; I tried to be there for his father's death because I love him (Andy), because he was my lover and in my life for so many years. I have never pretended to him that I have ever wanted a friendship.
I figured that would fire you up. Don't know really what to say. I guess personally I wouldn't want a spouse that wasn't also my friend, because in 20 years from now that is what is going to matter most to me. Someone I can talk to, share my day with, laugh with. Someone I consider my best friend. Sorry if I was off base. As you said...you are entitled to look out for yourself.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Except you've missed a crucial point, Wes, he's NOT my spouse and he doesn't even want to be.
If I was friends, that is all we would ever be. It would be like eating a donut without the chocolate in the middle, or opening a present and finding the box empty.
I would be continously disappointed because at the end of the day, I look at him and he is my partner (in my mind). No amount of OW, years, fighting or anything else will ever change me on that front.
If I am 'friends' with him, the 'in love' feelings always come back and then I end up wanting him and wanting sex from him and if I have to be around him, I can't accept anything less.
In my opinion you can't go back to holding hands and chatting once you have become lovers. It's why I didn't keep a friendship with OM, because I know he would have thought the same.
Trying to be 'just' friends with your soul-mate is just too difficult. It just completely f**ks with my head. I remember you saying something similar about your XW.
IF we were actually partners and he loved me and there was truth and respect, then by all means, he would be my best friend.
I just don't see the point to all this. I mean, I take pity on him over his father and now I just feel as if he's taking the piss out of me, expecting me to go as an 'ex' with flippin' OW1 and Rose there. I mean, who does he think I am, some sort of turkey???
I have to agree with you greekgodess, my W has said that she wants me to be her friend, her best friend i know some people would say that is the way to win back her heart, but it was bl**dy hard and i failed, now she hates me, but all that aside i told her from the start that i didnt think i could her friend because there was to much between us and i wanted mire which she didnt. i can say is keep trying i am and time i hope to get were i want to be and hoping my true love (W) will be there with me.
I personally feel if Andy had an ounce of thought, empathy or common sense, he would acknowledge that you are still part of his family (the mother of his kids, after all, and that link will NEVER be broken) and that you knew his father well, being with his son for so many years and bearing his children, that he would consider it right and proper that you attend the funeral and as a courtesy to you, NOT invite OW and her daughter. FIL "liked" them, so what? Did she look after the kids and clean his house for him when he was visiting his Dad in hospital?
I'm sorry for you, Greek Goddess. I can't imagine the pain you are in, being separated from your own children. It is not even clear to me whether you have regular, fixed, court mandated contact with your three other children. Why is it so often up to Andy to decide whether he will let you see them or not?
Can you let us know in a nutshell why he was granted custody? I think you said you were suffering from depression after he left, but that is hardly grounds for removing children from their mother, is it? And HE was the one who left!
Also, can you look back clearly and see what Andy was like way back, before all this stuff? What was he like during the early part of your marriage? Has he really changed, or is it just a continuation of the same, only you are not on his 'team' now... After I had a good long look at how things were in my marriage, I realised that H was the same old H, perhaps with some things a bit exacerbated by MLC, but nothing VASTLY different from before. Only I had been dumped, so I no longer counted in his world, I was on the 'outside'. Narcissists get enamoured of things/people and "love them to bits", then eventually get bored and dump them unceremoniously, like a small child with a toy.
I know this doesn't help you regarding the kids, but it might influence how you think about Andy.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
