Well, it was mainly ok apart from a wasp problem. I think there might be a wasp nest in my house although I can't find one, I often hear buzzing when I'm in the bathroom, then I killed FOUR wasps that were in DD4's room.
DD1 shook out her jacket and there was a dead wasp in it, and when DD3 was looking for her shoes, this wasp crawled onto her hand and stung her repeatedly. So she was screaming her head off and I ran at her with my kitchen spoon and wacked it off her hand, then sprayed it with pesticide.
DD3 was howling and her poor hand was all swollen up. I washed it under the tap and had to pull the barb out that was still stuck in her hand and when I did, it made it bleed. She gets scared when she sees blood, so that made her yell even more.
I put a band aid thing on it and gave her some homeopathy to take the sting away.
But apart from that the day went without a hitch.
I have looked around the house for where the wasps might be coming in etc but I can't find a nest anywhere. It's a weird time of year to have them, they are usually all dead this time of year.
I spent the day filing, paying bills, tidying and trying to find a non-religious minister for Andy's dad's funeral. Then I sent Andy an email with the details, including the phone number of the minister who did that pagan wedding I went to a few months back.
I've done my bit now, I reckon. The kids are back at Andy's (apart from DD4), I've done everything he asked me to do.
Now I just feel really down in a kind of 'God-I-hate-my-life-it's-so-crap kind of way.
I am debating over whether to go to the funeral and my gut instinct is to stay away. He was in my life for 18 years (although the last 2 only by msn messenger) and I am sure he would have wanted me to be there, but I really can't face walking in there as his ex-daughter-in-law, and a nothing to his son.
I am divorced now, at Andy's insistence, so I'm not even a member of the family anymore - girls or no girls.
I will tell him soon that I don't want to be there.
Jo - Why don't you ask him if he wants you there? He may really appreciate the help with the girls (and the girls may really appreciate your help with their grief).
I know you have some uncomfortable feelings about it, but this may be a time to put your own feelings aside.
Quote: I am debating over whether to go to the funeral and my gut instinct is to stay away. He was in my life for 18 years (although the last 2 only by msn messenger) and I am sure he would have wanted me to be there, but I really can't face walking in there as his ex-daughter-in-law, and a nothing to his son.
Jo, if you feel the need to go, then go. This is about you and the R you had with FIL, nothing else. You didn't get a D from FIL, just Andy. No matter what, you are an important part of the girls lives and still a part of Andy's in some manner. It is paying your respects, that's all. Don't let your preceived notions of what other's may think deter you. Hold your head high. You have a lot to be proud of.
Well, when the girls were asking about the funeral and who would go, he said whom ever he and BIL invited, and DD2 asked if he was inviting me and DD4 and he said yes, but that is probably out of politeness.
He doesn't seem to need me for anything other than practical stuff and the girls didn't want to be with me, really. DD2 had a hissy fit the second night and wanted to go back with Andy, and when Andy and I were talking about me taking them to dance class, DD1 was saying she'd rather go with Andy to FIL's house to pack up his things.
She just did not look enthusiastic about having to spend anymore time with me.
I know Andy would expect me to walk in there as his ex and all his relatives who have shunned me since the split will be there. There's only BIL, really, that I can think of, who would want me there.
I will ask Andy if he needs me but if the answer is no, I'm not going.
A lower-lying tenet of DBing is "Do not assume" and your stance about his relatives has many assumptions intertwined with your decision-making. Be careful with predicting other's behavior.
I remember seeing an 'ex'-uncle who had D'd an aunt many years ago at my GM's funeral 2 yrs ago. It was surprising to see him there. He commented that no one told him, and that he had to take off work that day to race over to pay his respects to his ex-MIL. I and many of my relatives communicated our appreciation to him for this act of respect. You and Andy have much more positive feelings toward each other than this uncle and aunt had toward each other, even years later.
Having said this, I respect your decision to avoid his funeral.
You said the D didn't mean I D'ed FIL - maybe not directly, but that is effectively what happens because I can't even say is IS (was) my FIL anymore.
The court cut my connection to my kids, it just isn't the same anymore and since I'm not raising them I don't feel it ever will be.
The D cut my connection to every other member of my own family. I had managed to form a *reasonable* if not a bit shallow R with my mother (bit like the one I've got with my kids now) prior to the split, y'know, not much said, visits every so often, only casual topics discussed etc and then after that she just went on the attack and couldn't cope with the court hearing and seemed to just hate me. Then I had to cut her out for my own sanity.
My sister has never spoken to me since the split (getting on for 4 years now) and in fact sent hate-mail to my business email address via my website.
My brother, although likes me, is loyal to the others so we don't keep in contact anymore.
My best friend Sheena, who I've known since I was 13, who hand-made my DD's christening gown and was a bridesmaid at my wedding, I cut her out completely after I lost costody because I was too ashamed of being a childless mother and I just didn't want to turn up on her doorstep without them and have to admit that and have her think I harmed them in some way. She has not heard from me in years and no doubt wonders why. Too much has happened to me to even attempt contact.
MIL refuses to have me round the house and has been like that since the split, even to the point of kicking me out on the street Christmas Day because she didn't want me in her house overnight. She never visits DD4 here, only if she is with Andy.
I've not heard from Andy's step-dad or any of his aunties/other relations who used to like me, since this happened. I don't even get a Christmas card.
FIL himself banned me from the house that first year we split up (that really hurt) - the second year he invited me for Christmas which was nice but apart from that I hadn't seen him in nearly 3 years. I get no birthday cards from anyone (not even Andy), no presents, no nothing to even suggest that anyone remembers I exist.
Every year I buy myself a birthday present because no one else will; it's the same at Christmas.
Andy sometimes gets the girls to make me cards, but I feel so hateful over all of the above that I just think it doesn't mean much if the rest of the family dislike me so much. It's like forgetting me all year and then trying to 'buy me off' with something they've done.
Andy didn't want me at the hospital when FIL was dying. I wasn't there in life, I wasn't there in death, so why the bleedin' hell should I be there for his funeral? It's so fake.
Sorry, I'm just so angry right now with the lot of them I feel as if I want to commit murder.
Jo - I think I know how you feel about the ILs. When XH and I got D, I suddenly stopped existing too. So did D11. It's hard because while married these people were my family. It's hard to go from one day hearing people tell you they love you and think you're a good person to suddenly find they want nothing to do with you, and don't even want to hear your side of the story. You have a right to be angry about it. I am. But think about this. If going to the funeral will give you closur with your FIL, do it. For no other reason than for yourself. Don't worry what anyone says about it. You're a strong woman and you can take it. Do what's best for you. *hugs*
and when I did, it made it bleed. She gets scared when she sees blood, so that made her yell even more.