Being Me

[kml]

but I am so tired of having to stay so passive all the time just to keep the peace with him, plus it was my first time ever at his house in 2 years and he'd already told me beforehand not to discuss pregnancy etc with the kids and then my DD brings it up and I'm just so scared all the time of doing the wrong thing I can't be natural anymore.

There's a difference between being passive and being proactive.

What might that look like?

there was stuff literally EVERYWHERE. I mean, I think I am untidy and my organisational skills aren't good, there are mud stains on my carpet that won't wash off etc, but this was something else......I laughed at him, trying to stay jokey and light hearted, and said 'Honestly Andy, this place is a dump!' I asked him if he left it because he knew I was coming to clean.
He said no, it's usually like this. Ugh.

First - saying a dig in a "jokey" way doesn't keep it from being a dig. I'm sure he heard it as a criticism. And I suspect it came out of your need to show him you could be a better parent than him. This was really counter-productive. And, yes, pretty insensitive to bring up his housekeeping skills while his father is so ill. You came to do him a favor in his time of need - it should be given freely and kindly. If you had been in his place, and he had made that comment to you at such a time, you would have been furious at him. Far better approach? "Don't worry about a thing, Andy, go see your dad and we'll whip things into shape here for you".

Andy snapped
'She's not your cat, she's our cat. You haven't looked after her for 3 years.'

Duh, do you think he reacted that way out of resentment over you sniping at his housekeeping?
Or maybe he thought originally that he was only taking the cat during your pregnancy, and resents that you never took her back? Or maybe he just finds it painful to remember those tough times. Or maybe he thought you greeted the cat more enthusiastically that him and the girls.But you leap to assign the worst possible motivation to his comment.

Anyway - why not respond directly - something like "yes, I know she's yours now, but I still miss her".

He then said
'It's been ages since you were here.'
I said
'Yeah, 2 years.'
He said
'Yeah, after that fateful event.' (Our baby died, I was injured and nearly lost so much blood they were going to transfuse me but I refused).
I couldn't believe he would mention that, so I just said nothing and walked into the other room.

Why shouldn't he mention it? It was his trauma too. If it's too painful for you to discuss, then just say "Andy, that period of time is too painful for me to discuss".

He went into the kitchen to make himself a pack-up for the hospital and I walked in there and said
'BTW, this is the only time I am ever coming here and that is because your dad is in hospital so don't think there is anything else to this; it's exceptional circumstance.'

He frowned, then nodded and said
'Why the sudden hostility?'
I didn't reply. He was being hostile to me over the cat.

Gee, you REALLY set the stage for negative interactions here. It's like giving someone a gift for their birthday, but saying 'don't get used to it, I'm never going to give you another one." How much would you enjoy opening the gift then? And I'm sure he didn't understand the connection between you sudden hostility and the cat thing.

Better approaches?
1) Just not saying it. After all, his dad's ill, you came to do him a favor, favors should be given graciously. You wouldn't treat another friend this way, would you?
2) Be straighforward - "you know, your comment about the cat hurt my feelings. I'm here to help you out today, I don't appreciate being snapped at like that" (which might have led into some honest statement on his part, like "well, I felt like you were more excited about seeing the cat than about seeing me, and my feelings were hurt").

I then started panicking in case Andy thought I was talking about this current pregnancy when he'd asked me not to say anything.

Why not just take Andy aside when he returns, or email him, and tell him DD asked about that prior pregnancy, but that you definitely did not talk about current.

She said
'But I'm having your wedding dress!'
I flinched and then all the DD's started fighting over which DD gets to have the wedding dress (cost over £1000 new, London Designer wedding dress - absolutely gorgeous with a hand sewn lace train at the back).

I settled the dispute between them by saying that it depends what size they take when they're older as to who will fit into my wedding dress, and whichever DD that fits, can have it.

Why on earth wouldn't you have said that they each could wear it when their turn came? I think it's sweet that the girls so obviously want to be connected to you and be like you.

The phone rang and it was bloody EX-OW2 which really put me on edge, and I asked her if I could take a message. She said no, rather curtly, and that she would text him because she 'knew where he was' (that really pissed me off).

Or, you could have done a little happy dance that OW got to hear and know that you were there with your girls! What a great opportunity to rub it in her face! The glass is half-full, Jo.

Then Rose walked in (EX-OW1's 18 yr DD) to help herself to some coffee, and she said hello and asked me if looking after the kids was challenging. I wanted to hurl plates at her head for that remark.
Honestly, as soon as you lose custody, it seems the general concensus is you can't cope with anything and even looking after your own kids becomes an engineering feat.

You know, you really read a whole layer of subtext into that comment that probably wasn't there. Maybe she was just a normal 18 year old, thinking "that's too much work for me", or maybe she was thinking that your physical disability must make it difficult. Don't project your insecurities into other people's mouths.

I was hurt, since I've been trying to help and spent all day cleaning his house.
He asked why the 'solumn face'?
I said that he doesn't share stuff with me so why should I tell him what I feel?

This would have been a good time to say "gee, I worked hard all day to make things nice for you here, I;d appreciate a thank you". Said nicely, he probably would have thanked you! (And notice, even after your fighting, he DID send you an email to thank you later).

Look, Jo, I'm not criticizing you, just trying to point out that when you change YOUR behavior, the people around you HAVE to change in response.

Ellie