I have calmed down a bit since last night after I cried so much I couldn't cry anymore and then accidently fell asleep in my clothes because I was too damn exhausted.
DD4 climbed into my bed later on and I just hugged her for the rest of the night.
Anyway, here's what happened:
I went to his town at about 11am and when I got there, he wasn't dressed yet and there was stuff literally EVERYWHERE. I mean, I think I am untidy and my organisational skills aren't good, there are mud stains on my carpet that won't wash off etc, but this was something else.
There were bits all over every floor - looked like he hadn't vaccumed in a month, laundry lying in piles on the floor, toys in every room (DD4's bedroom is a tip, but I try to keep the rest of the house looking okay) - every room in the house was just littered with toys, dirty washing up still with food on still in the kitchen, dirty ash trays and empty wine bottles all over the place etc.
Sometimes because there's only 2 of us here I will soak the plates and then wash them at breakfast if I'm too tired the night before, but there's only like 2 plates, 2 cups etc. He's got a whole house full of washing up to do, and he left all of it.
There looked as if there was 4 days worth of dinner under the table.
I laughed at him, trying to stay jokey and light hearted, and said 'Honestly Andy, this place is a dump!' I asked him if he left it because he knew I was coming to clean. He said no, it's usually like this. Ugh.
He went to get dressed while I said hello to the girls, and then he came back to make himself breakfast. He offered me a coffee. I accepted. Drank the coffee and then he showed me how to work the tumble drier. I used to do it for him 2 years ago but I've forgotten since then.
Despite the mess, we seemed to be getting along okay, until Kate walked in (a cat).
Kate the cat is a Russian Blue and absolutely gorgeous. We rescued her from an animal shelter and I chose her. She initially stayed with me after the split but then she had a stomach complaint and kept messing and since I was pregnant with DD4 at the time, I asked him to take her as it's dangerous for pregnant women to handle animal mess.
Anyway, that broke my heart too as I loved her but didn't want DD4 to go blind. Kate has this really long furry hair which is grey in colour, she's lovely, so I kind of exclaimed, joyously 'Kate! my cat!' and went to pet her, as I've not seen her for 2 years.
Andy snapped 'She's not your cat, she's our cat. You haven't looked after her for 3 years.'
I felt my eyes smarting up and just said nothing, but really I was thinking 'shall I just get in a car and go home right now?'
He then said 'It's been ages since you were here.' I said 'Yeah, 2 years.' He said 'Yeah, after that fateful event.' (Our baby died, I was injured and nearly lost so much blood they were going to transfuse me but I refused). I couldn't believe he would mention that, so I just said nothing and walked into the other room.
He went into the kitchen to make himself a pack-up for the hospital and I walked in there and said 'BTW, this is the only time I am ever coming here and that is because your dad is in hospital so don't think there is anything else to this; it's exceptional circumstance.'
He frowned, then nodded and said 'Why the sudden hostility?' I didn't reply. He was being hostile to me over the cat.
He left and I engaged in some convo with my DD's - this went fine to start with and I started to enjoy myself, but then DD1 mentioned this miscarriage I had in 1998 (she was only 2 at the time but she remembers anyway as we had a memorial service and she held a lighted candle for the lost baby). All of them talk about their sister avidly even though she never lived. She said to me 'Daddy says that when Courtney (the baby) came out, she was just bits, is that true?' I flinched - esp. as I think I am still pregnant now - but said to her that really tiny babies who are sick, just get washed out of the mummy's tummy because they are too small to live on the outside. I then started panicking in case Andy thought I was talking about this current pregnancy when he'd asked me not to say anything. I was terrified of any backlash, so I told her we couldn't discuss this topic anymore.
Then she moved her attention to clothes which I originally thought was a safe topic so she told me she was going to save up her £5 a week pocket money to buy clothes with and she asked me how much I spent on my clothes. The outfit I was wearing was expensive, actually. I told her the skirt was £50 (it's silk), my boots were £50, my jacket was £45 and my top was £10 in a sale. So she was like 'Wow, you spent £155 on one outfit!' I said yeah, and that I have loads more nice clothes at home because looking good is important to me, but some of them are only £5 - it depends on whether I like the design, not the price.
So she said she wanted to borrow my clothes when she was older. I said to her that by the time she is a teenager, she probably won't want to borrow her mother's clothes.
She said 'But I'm having your wedding dress!' I flinched and then all the DD's started fighting over which DD gets to have the wedding dress (cost over £1000 new, London Designer wedding dress - absolutely gorgeous with a hand sewn lace train at the back).
I settled the dispute between them by saying that it depends what size they take when they're older as to who will fit into my wedding dress, and whichever DD that fits, can have it.
Then I started panicking again, thinking that Andy would think I brought up the subject of weddings/marriage with them so I decided to quit the convo and get on with some chores instead.
There was this big bag of clean laundry in the dining room so I got each of them to find their clothes out of the bag and put them away in the drawers upstairs (I can't climb the stairs). Then I put some washing on and dried a load of sheets.
Then I washed up the dirty dishes and threw the left over food out. Then I swept in the dining room and under the table and got rid of all the bits of breakfast and dinner welded into the floor. DD3 got the broom out and helped with this.
Then I vaccumed the hall, the bottom half of the stairs that I could reach and the living room, and asked DD's to tidy their toys away out of the front room.
After I'd done all that, I worked on some proof reading for my book, on Andy's computer.
We all had lunch together and then watched a film together and then I started preparing a fresh meal because Andy told me they've been having frozen stuff since his dad has been in hospital.
I made meals for everyone and left some food aside for Andy to heat up when he got home. Then after we'd eaten, I swept and washed up again.
The phone rang and it was bloody EX-OW2 which really put me on edge, and I asked her if I could take a message. She said no, rather curtly, and that she would text him because she 'knew where he was' (that really pissed me off).
Then Rose walked in (EX-OW1's 18 yr DD) to help herself to some coffee, and she said hello and asked me if looking after the kids was challenging. I wanted to hurl plates at her head for that remark. Honestly, as soon as you lose custody, it seems the general concensus is you can't cope with anything and even looking after your own kids becomes an engineering feat. I reminded her that Andy used to have a 40 hour a week job and that I was at home with a newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old all day, by myself, so if I can do that I can do anything. I said looking after 4 is not any different to looking after 3.
She asked me how the book sales were going. I thought 'You are the DD of the woman who slept with my husband; I don't want to have this convo with you.' I just said I didn't know as we only get royalty reports twice a year.
Andy came back and looked shattered so I asked how his dad was and tried to be supportive. He said his dad was in a bad way and fluctuating all the time. I suggested going to do some reiki healing on him (I am a trained Reiki Healer). He said he was already doing some on him. I asked how his mother was doing. He said she's been crying (unusual for her, she's an iron lady). I said I'd saved him some dinner, but he said he wasn't hungry.
He then came in the room with a cigarette (drugs) and started to smoke that in front of me. I reminded him I was probably still pregnant, so he moved over by the window and started smoking out of the open window.
I told him EX-OW2 called for him. He told me 'I am not in a R with her, she's a friend.' I slipped up and asked what she wanted to text him for, and he said it was none of my business. I was hurt, since I've been trying to help and spent all day cleaning his house. He asked why the 'solumn face'? I said that he doesn't share stuff with me so why should I tell him what I feel?
It just escalated from there with him saying he never wanted sex from me anyway (that really hurt) and he took precautions so why should he care about it (the pregnancy), and that I wasn't what he wanted etc etc and that he wanted someone who could be a good mother to his children.
I said I try to be but you never let me in, you're always getting at me about them. I can't even have a convo with them without worrying what you will think.
Then we basically got in to this huge fight over the court hearings and he said I chose not to be there; I said I was only allowed to be there on his terms, being controlled by him and I just couldn't bear it.
I felt really used after I just tidyed up his mess of a house and looked after them all day so he could visit his dad, and cooked his tea etc and then he talks like that and even shuns my sex. I felt disgusting, like I wanted to get in the shower and scrub him off me. I still feel like that now.
Anyway, by the time we got back to my house, I just burst into tears and yelled at him and he just walked off.
Then after sobbing for 2 hours and falling asleep, I got a text message from him, saying 'I just wanted to say thanks for looking after them and helping; I appreciated it.'
I thought, you say all that and you appreciate me?? Too bloody late to say that now. I ignored it.
I'm not going to feel sorry for him anymore and I'm not going to try and be there for the girls when this happens all the time. I just can't do it, it's been 4 years
