Reading some of the posts recently, and the situation at home returning back to the normal crap, has me frustrated again. Why is it that the higher desire spouse has to deal with the lower desire spouse not trying. They will try for a while, but then things seem to go back to the way they were. I agree with some of the other HD people on the board. It is the trying that shows me she cares, not the actual sex. What I hate most is when I am told that we have an 'appointment', only to be told at the appointment time 'I am tired'. Don't they realize hope is all we have, and when they take that away from us, we have nothing left to show us that the relationship is not one sided. Have not posted for a while. Hope everyone else is still hanging on. Andy
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
I understand your frustration, as you pointed out many of us have to deal with this behavior. One question though...have you called her on this behavior? What is the point in having an "appointment" if you don't keep it?
You need to remind her...she agreed to the "appointments", if she truly doesn't feel well (or whatever) then SHE needs to reschedule for the next night and follow-through. What she's doing is losing your trust, I pointed this out to my H one time and it seemed to make a big impact on him....at least for a time.
If you don't bring this up...you are allowing her behavior to go unchecked and unaccounted for.
I do bring it up. Last night was the third night, where we were to get together, but did not. She did tell me last night that I had better get it while I could because she was getting tired. But for me, and I told her this, that just does not do it. Is it too much to ask for a little intrest on her part. To actually seem like she is interested in the appt. and not just like it is a chore. I told her that if she was not going to show any intrest, that I would rather not do it at all. I know that I am the man in the relationship, but it would be nice once in a while to be pursued, and for her to initiate, and to try and make it interesting or different or something. Is that too much to ask?
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Have you said EXACTLY what you just typed to her? Because no, it's not too much to ask. Sometimes though I've noticed we all have a tendancy not to put things to our spouse as bluntly as they need to be....I'm as guilty as the next person on this.
I'm learning though to be very blunt...I am however getting very tired of having to constantly restate myself.
I did at one time though tell my H that just because he was there....just because he showed up for the appointment didn't mean he was holding up his end, I was still having to do everything....all he really provided at that time was a body. That (and I believe this is what you are experiencing) isn't the point of an "appointment".
I did have to blatantly tell him that just because he was there that wasn't enough...he wasn't participating. Climbing on top of someone who isn't interested and who doesn't participate does nothing for me. It leaves me feeling unwanted, unfulfilled, and unloved.....like someone kicked me in the chest. I'm sure my experience as a woman in this (whose H NEVER pursues) couldn't be much different than what you experience
So...out of curiosity, have you told her when she does this EXACTLY how it makes you feel?
Yes, but I have a feeling that after the first few words all she hears is " not having sex, not having sex, not having sex", and the whole part about how it makes me feel is lost.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Hey Nightrunner. I really feel for you man. I am amazed at all the stories here sometimes. I wonder if the LD people really realize that it wouldn't take that much trying to make it work (at least at first). Just give us some indication that this is not a chore, that there is interest, that they are looking forward to at least part of it, even if it is just the hugging and being close to one another. I think the desire will come once they get past the initial trepidation.
Anyway, I think GELs advice is good. I am planning on being much more direct with my W in the future. I think Dr. Phil says it right. You don't have to explain your wants/needs/desires, they just are. So when you talk to your W, don't try to explain why you want what you want, just let them know that you consider it a necessary part of the relationship, because it meets a need for you. And then jump right into the details.
Of course, who am I to talk.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Ok...so what do you do to help redirect that when you thinks she starts hearing nothing but that?
Have you ever asked her to in her own words repeat back to you what she thinks you are communicating (this can be done in a non-condescending manner). Have you looked at her and said "Honey, this isn't about sex. It's about how I feel about you and how we relate with each other."? Different things like that. Because when you get right down to the brass tacks...it isn't just about sex. In this case there's much more going on....if all she's doing is just showing up, or opting out when the time comes. You have other issues going on too...perhaps she doesn't feel close to you (for some reason), perhaps she has multitudes of things running through her mind and she doesn't put you and your M as a priority....there are many things that could be going on.
Ask her....flat-out why she made an agreement with you to have "appointments" if she thinks she can opt-out. You don't tend to just treat "appointments" in other aspects of your life that cavalier (or does she?).
Quote: Hey Nightrunner. I really feel for you man. I am amazed at all the stories here sometimes. I wonder if the LD people really realize that it wouldn't take that much trying to make it work (at least at first). Just give us some indication that this is not a chore, that there is interest, that they are looking forward to at least part of it, even if it is just the hugging and being close to one another. I think the desire will come once they get past the initial trepidation.
There are so many things that can impact the ability for a couple to be intimate with each other - emotionally and physically.
I think one of the major differences between HD and LD is that HD folks are still interested and capable of making love with their spouse even if the relationship is having major issues. However, even the HD folks have their limits of desire as evidenced by NR in this thread and HP last month.
If someone isn't given toward being HD, then that's not so very different as a gentle/sensitive man who isn't given toward being "macho man" or similarly a introverted person being an extroverted party animal.
That does not mean that I am attempting to excuse what appears to be unkindness and uncaring from the LD spouse - I am attempting to point out that being sexual to someone who doesn't have or has lost those tendencies is not as clearcut a choice as you might think.
"There are so many things that can impact the ability for a couple to be intimate with each other - emotionally and physically." Absolutely.
"I think one of the major differences between HD and LD is that HD folks are still interested and capable of making love with their spouse even if the relationship is having major issues. However, even the HD folks have their limits of desire as evidenced by NR in this thread and HP last month." Good point.
"If someone isn't given toward being HD, then that's not so very different as a gentle/sensitive man who isn't given toward being "macho man" or similarly a introverted person being an extroverted party animal." Agreed, HD/LD are fundamental aspects of your being (although it can change, perhaps more so than some other aspects).
"That does not mean that I am attempting to excuse what appears to be unkindness and uncaring from the LD spouse - I am attempting to point out that being sexual to someone who doesn't have or has lost those tendencies is not as clearcut a choice as you might think." No question about it that there are many factors and we should not point fingers and say the LD person is to blame for all the problems. I was just pointing out that maybe some LD people think that the HD person would only be willing to accept hot sex and nothing less. I think most HD people (myself included) would be willing to accept a lot less so long as there was an intent to make things better with time.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Heard all this before. In the absence of mistreatment and whatever else. If the HD spouse is being the spouse they should be and are meeting the needs of the other spouse emotionally and whatever else (as witnessed by the other spouse), then why the drop off in sex. I am really done with stories and excuses. If I am being the man she thinks I should be, and being the man I think I should be, what gives. There are things I do in our marriage because I should and because it makes my wife happy. If that were not the case, I do not know that I would be doing them. Why then is making time to be together physically such an issue? Why can't the marital sex come first and see how it affects all this other stuff that everybody is always saying affects the sex. Let's discuss.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
