Quote: these were not one night encounters and two of them are ongoing right now.
I know that I am not being good and kind to these girls, they truely believe (despite my explicit words to the effect that I am not a nice man) that they have feelings for me that are reciprocated
Yes, this is the weakness of women, that even when a guy tells them upfront that he is not in the R for a good reason, they choose to believe it is something it is not. Some of it has to do with increased sensitivity to oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is released during orgasm and during childbirth. Some of it has to do with low self-esteem, that they do not believe they are worthy of a guy who gives them more than crumbs. Some of it has to do with seeking validation through men - and boy, if you can catch the difficult one, that must REALLY validate you, right???
You're right, what you are doing is taking advantage of these women, it is very wrong and unfair, and you'd better stop it before one of them plays the trump card of pregnancy or gives you a STD. You are using them and that's unfair.
Now - on to the real crux of the matter - your R with your W:
Quote: She dotes on me and is jealous and possesive, supportive and caring.
Of course she is, I reconstructed myself into the perfect human -- packed on 80 pounds of lean muscle, dyed my hair, styled the beard, I dress extremely well and have always been good with the spoken word. I listen actively and support her in her choices -- only giving advice when directly asked and never underestimating the truth and validity of her feelings.
I sense an underlying fear here, that she doesn't love you for YOU, and that if you slip in any aspect you will lose her. I know - I've got a lot of that too. I was from the "if you love me, you'd love me just the way I am" school of thought. But you know what? I have to admit I like the changes I made for my H. And the biggest, most important changes were in caring better for myself. And that does not make my H superfical, just human. And only time will fade that fear.
Quote: I still don't get what I need -- asking has resulted in attempts and I know from what she gives me in her own language that she indeed does love me, it just doesn't speak to me in my heart and something gets lost in the translation.
So - what IS it you need from her? And how are you asking for it? Have you both read the Five Love Languages? Have you read it lately? Is she not meeting your needs sexually? Let us know a little more and maybe I can offer more concrete advice on that part.
As for the PTSD part - yes, I hear you. Between my H and then my D's eating disorder the next year, I still have days where I feel like I can feel the earth shifting beneath my feet.
And here comes the other question - do you think it's possible that this whole sitch has sent YOU into a depression? And that you've been doing the classic "let's treat my depression with the dopamine drug of infatuation?". In which case - it's time to forgive your W, because you have become her.
