Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

The beginning of a new week, the end of another month.

The weekend update – Friday night H was very distant physically, emotionally, conversationally, to me. On the phone he was Mr Personality. I stuck the note in his sock about a back rub, it went ignored. I figured I can finally take a hint, went to bed and decided I just need to get on with me and go about my business, I can’t dwell on every move H does or doesn’t make.

Saturday I was up earlier than normal to volunteer at a local event, it was still dark and when I walked in the living room in the dark to find some shoes H asked what time it was and was I going in to work early? I just told him the time and said no, and left. I got home earlier than I planned, and for some reason I expected H to be gone, but he was home. I was soooo tired, and the warm sun was shining on the bed inviting me back in, and I caved and laid down for a rare mid day nap. Whew! That felt good! H came in and said he had to go flag down the postal lady. I got up and started some more stuff to prep for Sunday, H got back, actually started a conversation and asked some questions, and then I went out and worked outside on stuff. After a few hours H came out to see what was up, and even helped me with things. We went to a move some horses for a lady, and although conversation wasn’t abundant I didn’t feel tension either. We knew the owner of the place where the horses now live, so we hung out and caught up with her for a while, then left and H stopped by some other friends on the way home but they weren’t home. Back at home I finished up chores and spent time in the kitchen (that’s rare) making stuff for Sunday, and H was sort of friendly and hung around a little bit. Sunday I was awake early but took advantage of the time change and laid in bed for a while, I heard H up and in then in the shower, and thought ‘here’s my chance I could join him.’ And then I thought, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being with him or near him or initiating more contact. I feel like I should, but I just don’t feel like I want too. That’s pretty much been my motto all weekend after the back rub note that went ignored. Even Sunday, H was friendly enough throughout the day. He helped with the coordination of things for our event throughout the day, which I really appreciated and let him know. He had also reshaped my hat for me, and made a comment to me that it looked nice, and I let him know again that I really appreciated him doing that for me. Late in the day H decided to return a piece of borrowed equipment, I helped him load it, and then he said ‘you coming along?’ I said no. He left, and I took some me time. Calgon, take me away! I ran a bath of hot water, lit a bunch of candles, and soaked in the tub while reading Love Must Be Tough. H came home, poked his head in the bathroom, ‘oh, you’re in here.’ A few minutes later found another reason to come in again. I was finally wrinkled enough, (I mean soft and smooth) and finished the bath. Spent some time on the computer, H took a shower. Now in our past life, a Sunday night, both clean and showered, we would find ourselves in bed early and spend some quality time with each other. I wondered if H had those same thoughts and memories. I finally went to bed. Twice H came into the bedroom about something he saw on TV, did I see it too? Stood around for a while. Maybe I should have opened the covers and invited him to bed? I didn’t. I felt like I should have, but I didn’t feel like I wanted too. A little later I heard the furnace kick in again, and remembered that I didn’t turn the heat down after I had turned it up to warm up the house before my bath, so I got up and turned the thermostat down. A minute after I was back in bed, H came down the hallway yet a 3rd time, but didn’t come to the bedroom this time. He stood in the hall and looked out the door, and said something I couldn’t hear, and then went back to the living room. So there’s my weekend, and today is another day. I had so many opportunities to try and reconnect with H again after his shunning of me all last week, but I just didn’t feel like it. I suppose in no time at all I’ll be sorry I didn’t try again, I’ll be a blithering idiot again starving for affection and a touch. But it’s been a week since I gave H a hug and said his leaving is not what I want, that was the last time we touched. Right now, I just don’t feel like it, and I don’t know of a reason why I should.

Some reflections –
Two years ago we were in Amarillo at this time of year. I could feel something different in H, he shied away from me, wouldn’t hold my hand, left me unattended in a strange place, all things very uncharacteristic of him. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I also didn’t know he was about 6 weeks into his EA with OW. It’s all so clear now looking back at time.
Sometimes I will come across notes and cards that H and I have left to each other. Almost everything he has kept from me is anything negative I wrote, where are all the good things? Like the 30 year old love letters he has kept from past girlfriends? Doesn’t he have any good memories of our life? No wonder he’s told me I’ve been nothing but 10 years of pain and hurt.
After thinking about some of those notes I wrote and how our marriage has been, it seems as though H is always leaving. Seriously, a note written just two years after we were married talked about him leaving. I recall many other times we had the conversations about if he was happy enough to stay. For 12 years, I have not measured up enough to keep this man happy enough to be content. Some of it may just be his history, he’s always moved around and changed jobs at least every couple of years or sooner. When he moved across country to be with me and we married, he has now been at the same location for 13 years, held a job for a record number of years for him, has now been self employed and successful longer than ever in his lifetime. I would consider these accomplishments, but maybe H thinks of this as being tied down and too responsible. He has told me he thinks I am insane for living in the same place for 25 plus years, working at the same job for 25 plus years. All the other times his restlessness surfaced, it didn’t seem a threat, we found a new adventure to tackle together.
This time when he got restless he found his own adventure that did not include me, it was with another woman. Someone else to feed his ego. Another relationship to bounce around, just like his history before me, so many women to fill his various needs in life. I really don’t measure up, and never have in the history of our marriage. Maybe I am finally acknowledging this fact, that keeping this man happy is not something I can accomplish. That doesn’t mean I am not a great wonderful person, it just means I’m not the person that can fill that mans reality. When he started a life with me, possibly it was his chance to escape the man that he was not proud of – a man who he claims if he told you everything he’s done in his life you would add it all up and know he was at least 150 years old. He came to try and start a new chapter in his life, found that this chapter doesn’t fit in his book, and is now trying to close it but doesn’t know how to write the ending yet.

One other note from the weekend – got an email from H’s XSIL, she wants to give us their dog. Her H is retired now and they want to travel, and it’s too hard to find someone to take care of their 10 month old puppy. H said we should take it, so I emailed her back and said we would. Pictures are very cute and the pup reminds me very much of our oldest dog who until the past few years as he grows old has been a big help with the livestock. Problem is we live over 2000 miles apart, but she said they would deliver the dog to our front door. Turns out H is trying to find someone he knows in their home state to take the dog, after he told me would take it. Hhmm, another communication problem. We’ll see how it turns out.