Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

You are right, my ZenMan. Things were SO much better before his trip. I felt it, but was it real? While I thought we were getting better H was planning his trip without me, making airline reservations, getting his hunting permit, talking to his kids and planning. Remember one night I was so sick and coughing and gagging that I walked outside and H was outside on the phone. He hung up and told me he was on the phone with his youngest son, I was so happy that he shared that with me. Yeah! PMA up! But you know what? that would be one of those calls that he was planning his trip with his son, and yet he couldn't remember to tell me about the trip even though he JUST hung up the phone when he saw me come outside. All these things I am looking for and hanging on, the best parts, I don't think they are real life. They are only real in my mind. But yes, it was still better. I was so busy with volunteer stuff, keeping everyone else happy, coming down off that trip at the end of September.......is that it? clutter my life with so many things that I can't think about my marriage? I'll get worn out! I can't keep up that pace, and I can't keep up this pace with H either.

My short term goals haven't changed - I'd still like hugs and sleep together at night. I can't get onto square one with those goals.

Hope and Lost, you think I am strong and amazing? I don't feel it. I feel pathetic. H called me at work, I was about in tears just thinking about this week, and as soon as I heard his voice my heart raced. How sick is that? He talked about a horse coming in and when to pick it up, working out when and how. I asked if it was a hard to load in the trailer type horse, if it would take us both and if he would be around to help (we really are an amazing team when it comes to hard to load horses, people make comments). He avoided that question, it is Thursday (OW day), and then called back (my heart raced again) to say he had it all set up for me to pick up the horse at 5pm today and he thinks the owner will be there to help me. Okay, buddy, thanks.

Phoenix, you are right, I have to take care of some of the problems that won't go away without attention. Financial stuff and deadlines that will create larger problems left unattended. H's tantrums are the lesser of two evils when it comes to checkbooks. Wish me luck.

I have to get this off my shoulders before I blurt it out to H. On Monday was an anniversary of my own. It was 13 years ago I had a fluke accident with my horse and ended up in ICU and then some hospital time. H was not yet H at that time, and he was half way across the country. While in the emergency room, my parents showed up, and I asked them to call 'boyfriend' and let him know about me. He arranged his schedule so that he could drive here asap to spend at least a few days with me. I know there is no way he would remember that day and I didn't expect him too. But it is another reason why I was so happy to see him return from his trip and I wanted to connect with him again. His rejection this time was even more hurtful than normal. Normal I can usually stand up to his rejection better than this, but that day was extra special important to me to be close to him. I know, I shouldn't have let my expectations get warm and raise like bread dough. I just get punched back down.

Okay, enough! buck up WCW! get over your pity party! No one slapped me so I had to slap myself. I have to take off soon to go get a pass for this ski season, H is on Ski Patrol at a local hill so I can ski free. I don't really ski well, I slide, fall, get up, slide, fall, get up, and eventually end up at the bottom of the slope. A good night for me is if I only fall once per run. Then I go get the horse the H lined up, I need to ride MY horse to practice for our event this weekend, Friday is work and hauling another horse by request from another friend, Saturday is volunteer at a club event and get ready for our event at our place on Sunday. You asked for it ZenMan, I'll be so busy that I can't dwell on H for a few days. Just what the doctor ordered.