Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

Whew! I had so much fun last night, where do I start? Ha! don't believe that either!
Got home from work, changed into my 'home' clothes, and headed right back out because I had a girl coming for a riding lesson. Remember the little girl that is a breath of fresh air? she is sooo enthusiastic! That went well, she rode for the first time, and can't wait to come back! As I was changing clothes in the bedroom I noticed things looked different, checked H's closet, he's taken out more clothes, more warm clothes, seasons are changing. But left just a little bit in the closet and each drawer. I'm bugged, nothing I can do right now, whatever. I noticed he also did a little bit of weed eating outside, hhmmm, isn't this guy ever busy making a living and earning an income? If he has so much extra time, why doesn't he just pack up his stuff and go? maybe I should help him, take some things out that I would like to get rid of. A little shock of reality?

After the lesson I got busy with chores, started some prep for event this weekend at my place, etc. Trying to conserve hay, let some horses out on pasture which I had checked fence last week. Then the insurance lady drove in, an hour early for the appointment. Now what am I supposed to do? H isn't home, heck, I don't even know if he is coming home! and now I have a lady to entertain for an extra hour when I got stuff to do. Okay, be nice, offer coffee and chit chat, phone is ringing and ringing and ringing. I finally figure I better answer it, neighbor said they just saw 7 horses running by! Oh, thank you, I better check that out. Left the insurance lady at the table with a cup of coffee, said I'd be back as soon as I could. Went and grabbed halters and a bucket of grain and drove down the road. Guess who's there? H. He was parked on the side of the road. Neighbors swarming everywhere, seems everyone knows horses are out. It's almost dark already, I asked H if he wanted to get in my white can and help, and he did. Said he knew the fence was down, I blew! Why didn't you tell ME? I haven't seen you. What about the phone? or what about writing a message on the message board? He just got mad, he KNEW I was right, AGAIN! Found the horses, got half of them caught and H started heading home with them, I got a halter on a few more and followed. It sure would have been nice if H would have waited, so we could be in one group on the road in the dark rather than so far apart. He knows that, jerk. I didn't have enough halters for all the loose horses, so two of them just followed me, but kept wandering off to eat grass, so it took me quite a bit longer to get those to stay headed in the right direction. Again, if H would have waited and stayed with and kept the herd together......... Got in the yard, all the horses are in, insurance lady is still sitting at the table. Jumped on my bicycle to peddle back to my white can car over a mile away. Didn't exactly care right then how H was getting back to his truck, it was closer anyway. Got plenty of exercise last night. Got home with the car and the bike in the trunk, H was behind me with his truck, and insurance lady was gone. I went to the barn and put stuff away, and was still burning about the events of the night so I just sat on a rock in front of the barn. H looked up the hill for me, went in the house and I wasn't there, and came back out and found me. Sat down on a different rock. He talked about the neighbors that stopped to tell him the horses were out. I said if someone would have communicated the fence was down I would not have left anyone out in that pasture............. said I was wet and sweaty and getting cold and headed for the house. H followed. I changed out of my sweaty wet clothes into 'something more comfortable' (big baggy sweats, wool flannel shirt - anyone excited?) and sat down with a cup of coffee under a blanket over a heat register. Still trying to unwind from the events without blowing another gasket. H asked if I wanted something to eat, it's almost 9pm by now, he makes some grilled cheese and gives me one. I listened to phone messages and did some computer stuff, so did H, and then he laid down on the couch. I finally went to bed.

And today is another day. Got up, took a solo shower, H walked in while I was still in the bathroom and got in the shower, he said good morning, I didn't say anything. He can't say good night, why does he say good morning? Went out and did the morning chores, came back in and changed for work, and walked out while H was still in the bathroom. Felt bad, poked my head back in and said bye.

I am struggling this week, can anyone tell? I want to know if H is moving out, and if he is moving out is it for good or is it temporary? and do I try and offer any changes or compromises again? Do I try at all? is there a reason to keep trying, only to let myself think this may work while he just strings me along? Can I suggest to him that he should think at least one new positive thought every day about me/us? Do I buy more hay to get thru the winter or do I sell critters? I am so tired of letting so many things go that need to be addressed, whether it is marriage, house, ranch, vehicles, finances. All because we have such strange or absent communication.

What is the best part? what am I hanging on now? There are a million reasons I should be in contact with H to figure stuff out, I don't want too anymore. I want to be irresponsible with all the things I have to do, I want to fall apart and have a mid life crisis, I want to call that guy who was chasing me all last winter/spring/early summer and let him sweet talk me with affectionate terms, I want to have fun and spend money. But I won't. I never do. I am always the glue and the concrete. How about that for a 180? I could act like my H!