Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

Despite the darkness, another day still dawns. Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

Had a conversation with H a little while ago, I was again dumb enough to contact him with questions about upcoming events. He made a comment about some friends celebrating their 30th anniversary. I asked how he knew that, he heard it on the radio. I had so much to say, about how we never acknowledged ours a few weeks ago, I just said I would have to make sure I congratulated our friends.

To wrap up the evening last night, I finished up some computer stuff, had the football game on TV, H came upstairs and sat down, but didn't take off his vest or hat, but did get his laptop out again. Coming or going? I didn't know. I made some popcorn, asked if he wanted some and he did, so I made another batch. I split it into two bowls and handed him one and I sat on the other couch. First time ever we did not share the same bowl of popcorn, but his game is to just about climb over the arm of the couch to be as far away from me as possible. I didn't need to feel that too last night. After that it was cold in the house, I finally said I was going to bed to warm up. No response. H took a shower about 11pm, the phone rang, it was the courrier with the luggage needing directions. It was delivered in the middle of the night. H came into the bedroom and got a fresh tshirt, commented on the football game and watched a few minutes, walked out.

This morning I went about life as if H was not there. I showered and got ready for work, went out and did morning chores. H showed up at the barn in a few minutes, started helping, I went on with chores, back to the house to grab stuff and head out the door for work, H is walking back and gets in front of me to stop me and asked me if his horse got fed, I said yes, and left. Odd that he would get that close, was he thinking I would open up my wounds and ask for another hug? Not today, it's too fresh, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding from the gaping wound from yesterday.

What to do? I wish I could go dark. I don't know how! He is there everyday, but for all I know he is home packing and will be gone this afternoon when I get home. We have so much stuff intertwined in everything we do. And maybe that's just me, he obviously has his own life excluding me. We have a meeting tonight and tomorrow night, next week we're supposed to have an out of state meeting which means traveling together, deliver horses to friends that moved, run the ranch and business. I know, it will all have to be sorted out. I'm sure if I push that direction that H will slowly move with me. If I do nothing, we will continue as we are for more months and maybe years, until H has the rest of his plans in place to move on. And I will suffer emotionally until I am devoid of emotion and capable of feelings.

Why did H follow me around last night? it sure isn't because he misses me. I think it's because he wasn't sure what I was up too. It's not like he matched me stride for stride, he just always ended up where I was in a few minutes. Especially when I went in his trailer to get tools. Quicker than a snap of the fingers! Did he miss the place? he'd been gone a week, he spent time standing on the hill just looking over everything. Pondering his losses? Does he still want me around for my brain and a business partner? I don't feel very adequate in that area lately, with the way H is piling up debt and I can't control him anymore. Does he need me to keep picking up after him? doing the details that he lets go and overlooks, and I do because I don't want people to talk bad about him? Is H hanging on the best parts too? we just have a different definition of 'the best parts?'

I just know that I am tired of being treated like nothing. In reflection, it was dumb of me to think that he might be happy to see me. I should have had zero contact with him all last week. I should have picked him up from the airport and delivered him back home, and went outside and left him alone. He was prepared and braced for me to want to be near him, he was more prepared than I was. His game, he wins again. I don't want to play his game anymore. I need a plan to exclude him from my daily life even though he's still in the house and involved in 90% of what I do. I'm sure open to suggestions how to start that process.