I'm really really sorry that there is so much pressure in your situation right now. There is more that I would like to write but I think that it is best to let your situation cool down for a day or two first.
I was thinking about your situation while driving to the gym tonight. If you are feeling lonely just know that there are people out there who care and want you to succeed.
WCW, throw the damn book out the window. I think you did the right thing. I don't think he is leaving yet. He followed you around for a reason. He flat out doesn't know what to do, but he clearly does not want to let go of you. I think you let him know where you stand. It's his turn to decide.
You're right. You can be you without him if you have to, horses included. I know it's not what you want. It's not what any of us want, but it's also not all up to us. A big hug for you girl. So sorry, but glad you got it off your chest.
WCW, stay strong girl. Sometimes you have to lay it out there a little. He's still figuring out what he wants, put that under your hat and keep going. Like yourself, I too am observing and riding out this whole mess too. Keep coming here and I'll comment when I can. Stay strong.
Big Al is right--he followed you around for a reason. Let him think about this for a while and see what happens. In the meantime, go on about the business of your life. You put it all out there, which was very brave, and now the ball is in his court. Leave him be and take care of yourself. We're all thinking of you. Be well.
Despite the darkness, another day still dawns. Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
Had a conversation with H a little while ago, I was again dumb enough to contact him with questions about upcoming events. He made a comment about some friends celebrating their 30th anniversary. I asked how he knew that, he heard it on the radio. I had so much to say, about how we never acknowledged ours a few weeks ago, I just said I would have to make sure I congratulated our friends.
To wrap up the evening last night, I finished up some computer stuff, had the football game on TV, H came upstairs and sat down, but didn't take off his vest or hat, but did get his laptop out again. Coming or going? I didn't know. I made some popcorn, asked if he wanted some and he did, so I made another batch. I split it into two bowls and handed him one and I sat on the other couch. First time ever we did not share the same bowl of popcorn, but his game is to just about climb over the arm of the couch to be as far away from me as possible. I didn't need to feel that too last night. After that it was cold in the house, I finally said I was going to bed to warm up. No response. H took a shower about 11pm, the phone rang, it was the courrier with the luggage needing directions. It was delivered in the middle of the night. H came into the bedroom and got a fresh tshirt, commented on the football game and watched a few minutes, walked out.
This morning I went about life as if H was not there. I showered and got ready for work, went out and did morning chores. H showed up at the barn in a few minutes, started helping, I went on with chores, back to the house to grab stuff and head out the door for work, H is walking back and gets in front of me to stop me and asked me if his horse got fed, I said yes, and left. Odd that he would get that close, was he thinking I would open up my wounds and ask for another hug? Not today, it's too fresh, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding from the gaping wound from yesterday.
What to do? I wish I could go dark. I don't know how! He is there everyday, but for all I know he is home packing and will be gone this afternoon when I get home. We have so much stuff intertwined in everything we do. And maybe that's just me, he obviously has his own life excluding me. We have a meeting tonight and tomorrow night, next week we're supposed to have an out of state meeting which means traveling together, deliver horses to friends that moved, run the ranch and business. I know, it will all have to be sorted out. I'm sure if I push that direction that H will slowly move with me. If I do nothing, we will continue as we are for more months and maybe years, until H has the rest of his plans in place to move on. And I will suffer emotionally until I am devoid of emotion and capable of feelings.
Why did H follow me around last night? it sure isn't because he misses me. I think it's because he wasn't sure what I was up too. It's not like he matched me stride for stride, he just always ended up where I was in a few minutes. Especially when I went in his trailer to get tools. Quicker than a snap of the fingers! Did he miss the place? he'd been gone a week, he spent time standing on the hill just looking over everything. Pondering his losses? Does he still want me around for my brain and a business partner? I don't feel very adequate in that area lately, with the way H is piling up debt and I can't control him anymore. Does he need me to keep picking up after him? doing the details that he lets go and overlooks, and I do because I don't want people to talk bad about him? Is H hanging on the best parts too? we just have a different definition of 'the best parts?'
I just know that I am tired of being treated like nothing. In reflection, it was dumb of me to think that he might be happy to see me. I should have had zero contact with him all last week. I should have picked him up from the airport and delivered him back home, and went outside and left him alone. He was prepared and braced for me to want to be near him, he was more prepared than I was. His game, he wins again. I don't want to play his game anymore. I need a plan to exclude him from my daily life even though he's still in the house and involved in 90% of what I do. I'm sure open to suggestions how to start that process.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Okay, here's what I'm doing since I can't go dark either. I'm treating him like a stranger in my own house. I won't ask him to do anything, I won't expect him to do anything. If I have plans they will not include him. Nothing. I will act as if he's not there. I'll won't be rude, but I will be cold to a point. I answer with one word sentences (sound familiar?). Basically giving exactly what I've been getting.
And you know what? It's already working. Too bad I don't care anymore.
I think your husband is stuck between what (he thinks) he wants and what he needs. Even outside of a R we go through this in life. To me it looked like he prepared himself for the initial contact, but couldn't help himself from doing what he needed to do. (i.e. time with you, trying to fix things in your life, relieve some guilt).
He's still figuring out where he's at, but I think he's confirming to himself where he wants and needs to be. Follow DB principles and make you the better choice. Try to avoid latching on too much. I too fight this, but it will be better in the end. My hunch is that what he thought he wanted wasn't what he expected. He's probably starting to realize what he had. It might take a little time for him to swallow his pride, a wise person would not force the issue or put it in his face.
I know I could use a good ride on a horse right now, take a ride for me.
Whew! I had so much fun last night, where do I start? Ha! don't believe that either! Got home from work, changed into my 'home' clothes, and headed right back out because I had a girl coming for a riding lesson. Remember the little girl that is a breath of fresh air? she is sooo enthusiastic! That went well, she rode for the first time, and can't wait to come back! As I was changing clothes in the bedroom I noticed things looked different, checked H's closet, he's taken out more clothes, more warm clothes, seasons are changing. But left just a little bit in the closet and each drawer. I'm bugged, nothing I can do right now, whatever. I noticed he also did a little bit of weed eating outside, hhmmm, isn't this guy ever busy making a living and earning an income? If he has so much extra time, why doesn't he just pack up his stuff and go? maybe I should help him, take some things out that I would like to get rid of. A little shock of reality?
After the lesson I got busy with chores, started some prep for event this weekend at my place, etc. Trying to conserve hay, let some horses out on pasture which I had checked fence last week. Then the insurance lady drove in, an hour early for the appointment. Now what am I supposed to do? H isn't home, heck, I don't even know if he is coming home! and now I have a lady to entertain for an extra hour when I got stuff to do. Okay, be nice, offer coffee and chit chat, phone is ringing and ringing and ringing. I finally figure I better answer it, neighbor said they just saw 7 horses running by! Oh, thank you, I better check that out. Left the insurance lady at the table with a cup of coffee, said I'd be back as soon as I could. Went and grabbed halters and a bucket of grain and drove down the road. Guess who's there? H. He was parked on the side of the road. Neighbors swarming everywhere, seems everyone knows horses are out. It's almost dark already, I asked H if he wanted to get in my white can and help, and he did. Said he knew the fence was down, I blew! Why didn't you tell ME? I haven't seen you. What about the phone? or what about writing a message on the message board? He just got mad, he KNEW I was right, AGAIN! Found the horses, got half of them caught and H started heading home with them, I got a halter on a few more and followed. It sure would have been nice if H would have waited, so we could be in one group on the road in the dark rather than so far apart. He knows that, jerk. I didn't have enough halters for all the loose horses, so two of them just followed me, but kept wandering off to eat grass, so it took me quite a bit longer to get those to stay headed in the right direction. Again, if H would have waited and stayed with and kept the herd together......... Got in the yard, all the horses are in, insurance lady is still sitting at the table. Jumped on my bicycle to peddle back to my white can car over a mile away. Didn't exactly care right then how H was getting back to his truck, it was closer anyway. Got plenty of exercise last night. Got home with the car and the bike in the trunk, H was behind me with his truck, and insurance lady was gone. I went to the barn and put stuff away, and was still burning about the events of the night so I just sat on a rock in front of the barn. H looked up the hill for me, went in the house and I wasn't there, and came back out and found me. Sat down on a different rock. He talked about the neighbors that stopped to tell him the horses were out. I said if someone would have communicated the fence was down I would not have left anyone out in that pasture............. said I was wet and sweaty and getting cold and headed for the house. H followed. I changed out of my sweaty wet clothes into 'something more comfortable' (big baggy sweats, wool flannel shirt - anyone excited?) and sat down with a cup of coffee under a blanket over a heat register. Still trying to unwind from the events without blowing another gasket. H asked if I wanted something to eat, it's almost 9pm by now, he makes some grilled cheese and gives me one. I listened to phone messages and did some computer stuff, so did H, and then he laid down on the couch. I finally went to bed.
And today is another day. Got up, took a solo shower, H walked in while I was still in the bathroom and got in the shower, he said good morning, I didn't say anything. He can't say good night, why does he say good morning? Went out and did the morning chores, came back in and changed for work, and walked out while H was still in the bathroom. Felt bad, poked my head back in and said bye.
I am struggling this week, can anyone tell? I want to know if H is moving out, and if he is moving out is it for good or is it temporary? and do I try and offer any changes or compromises again? Do I try at all? is there a reason to keep trying, only to let myself think this may work while he just strings me along? Can I suggest to him that he should think at least one new positive thought every day about me/us? Do I buy more hay to get thru the winter or do I sell critters? I am so tired of letting so many things go that need to be addressed, whether it is marriage, house, ranch, vehicles, finances. All because we have such strange or absent communication.
What is the best part? what am I hanging on now? There are a million reasons I should be in contact with H to figure stuff out, I don't want too anymore. I want to be irresponsible with all the things I have to do, I want to fall apart and have a mid life crisis, I want to call that guy who was chasing me all last winter/spring/early summer and let him sweet talk me with affectionate terms, I want to have fun and spend money. But I won't. I never do. I am always the glue and the concrete. How about that for a 180? I could act like my H!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: It might take a little time for him to swallow his pride
This man I married never forgives, he doesn't swallow his pride, he does not admit any guilt in this relationship. A story he told me last year was something I don't even remember, but he will not forgive me for it. He and a horse were having a disagreement, I must have stepped in the middle of them and led the horse away for H to cool down. For years now I have wondered why H doesn't do anything with that horse now. Last year in rage he finally told me that story and that's why, because I tried to cool off the situation. Many other things similar to this, that he never forgives and moves on with life while holding a grudge forever.
I am trying to be wise, sometimes emotions overpower the brain, as they have this week. NO! it's not PMS, this time.
Here's a question. As I noticed last night, things were different in the bedroom and H had moved his clothes around. He took a few more things out, but I didn't have time last night to look much. Tonight I opened a few drawers, found an empty one, and put some of my stuff in it. H's underwear drawer has just a few pairs of socks and underwear, and a nylon bag of old love letters. ??? I never knew such things existed until tonight. They are from 30 plus years ago. No, I didn't read them all, just enough to figure out what they were, and I put them back. So why would this guy all of a sudden put 30 year old love letters in his underwear drawer for me to find? What's the purpose?
I could sure use a good neck rub. No, I will not ask. Haven't touched or even come close to H since Monday. Well, the closest was in the little white gas saver can car I've been driving. We both hate it, but it saves fuel. We were leaving for a meeting tonight, another lady came to carpool with us. She got in the back seat of this 2 door car, H got in the passenger side, or tried. Couldn't hardly squeeze in with the seat forward, lost his hat, half in half out, and said I'll just take my truck. I didn't say anything, just waited for him to get in or get out. He got in, I said I don't like it either but it saves gas, H said he didn't care he'd spend the money. I said diesel fuel for our trucks is 90 cents a gallon higher right now plus this car gets better miles per gallon, and if he had so much money to throw away he could throw it my way. End of conversation, long 25 miles.
It was nice when H got home tonight he came to find me, I was outside busy doing stuff. It's a positive?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
