Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

Cappacino, cookies, and seduction does not work. Well, two out of three were okay. Can you guess which one backfired?

H called while waiting on his connecting flight this morning, said because he was actually flying one day earlier than his ticket had him scheduled, his luggage was enroute to another city besides the one he is coming back too. When I got to the airport to pick him up, he was at the lost baggage filing a claim, looked my way when he saw me approach, and ignored me after that. Finally, I butted in the conversation, asked the lady behind the counter to excuse me but I haven't seen this guy for a week and took a hug. One armed limp fish back. The ride home was strained conversation. Walk into the house and H sets down his bags in the living room, makes a phone call, starts up his laptop computer, I checked email on the desktop computer and typed a reply, he got off the phone. I walked over and asked if his laptop was still starting up, he said yes it was, so I was going to pick it up and move it off his lap, but he grabbed it and said in a grating voice 'it can just stay right here.' All down hill from there. I asked if that was the best he could give me, you've been gone for a week. H replied what does being gone have to do with it? I said a hug or kiss or emotion or feeling would be nice. No response. I tried again to ask him to set his laptop aside, he said 'why, you got to check your email. I could check mine but couldn't reply without changing all kinds of settings.' I said 'it wasn't my fault you were gone a week and couldn't do email.' I felt like dirt that he just ground into the carpet. Once again, he by all means let me know where I rate on his list of priorities.

I dug a deeper hole. I said I thought that if he couldn't even give me a hug then it would be best if he didn't unpack his bags and instead packed up more of his stuff and went somewhere else for a while. I said you've been physically gone for a week, but emotionally gone for over 2 years. I told him I had hoped that after his trip we could start on a fresh foot and not continue how we had been. He wanted to know how we had been. I said we can't hug, we don't sleep together, you keep secrets and lead a life you won't let me be a part of, and that's not how I want to continue to live, I want something different. He agreed, I should have something different. I asked what he wanted. He said he wants something different too. I asked what he wanted? he said he can't share that with me because I broke his confidence when I talked to other people. I said you mean when you checked my email and saw what I said even though you lied about that too? he said 'what email'. Wow! what a comeback! I know he checked my email, it's the only way he would have known about lunches and walks and talks with a GF. It bugged him I had a friend to talk too. And of course I was scum of the earth and how dare I look at HIS email? Double standard, bucko?

So, he finally said he agreed it would be best to find somewhere else to stay. I said it's not what I would prefer, I would prefer we find a way to improve what we have, but it would take communication and emotions and feelings to figure it out. I also said that I've suggested compromise before, but it never goes anywhere. I said if you could just open yourself up a little bit, you wouldn't remember just the negative things that you always think about me, you would remember that I am a good person that you can have those memories too. He shook his head yes. I said I still love the man I married. I suggested we could have some nights that we could touch and try to be close, other nights that would be off limits. And I included that those were all dumb suggestions if he was looking for a different place to live. I said we also have a lot of financial stuff to figure out, H made a comment about some business stuff. More silence.

I walked over and gave him a long hug, I put his arms around me, told him he smelled different, and I missed him helping me stretch my back out in the mornings, and rubbed his back. Then I went to change clothes and headed outside for chores. H followed me around like a puppy for most of the evening. Helped me with some of them. We moved some stock into different pens, switched some stuff around. I went to his trailer to get some tools, he was there in a jiffy wondering what I was doing. Helped with a horse, gave me some guidance. I started on a different project, and he finally came inside and is in the shop downstairs. I came in, phone rang, it was for him, so I took the phone to him, it was about an event we have lined up for this weekend, so he had to come and ask me the answer to the question anyway. Discussed the phone call when he was done, he went back downstairs.

Is he leaving? Is he leaving tonight? I don't know. Do I want him to leave? NO. Do I want to continue this life we have? NO. I'm stuck. I hate being stuck.

I had a major compliment this weekend from some friends. They told my sis that I really am good with the horses, I understand what they are teaching and telling people in clinics, they said I am even better than H because he always tries to do too much. They said my horse is better than his horse. Maybe my horse is, but because we've been so busy promoting the other one that me and my horse are 2nd string. I had many other people that we were riding with this weekend, many who I met for the first time, compliment my horse and how nice she is, and they figured I could accomplish our tasks this weekend as well as go to the show ring. They are correct, I might sound vain, but my horse is very well rounded and yes, we do it all. Trail ride, show ring, rounding up and roping cows, competition events - she competes and finishes well. And I trained her. There goes my own horn - TOOT Toot!