Still wondering if anyone has any tips for his homecoming. Act As If? as if nothing has been wrong and approach for big hug and kiss, and tear his clothes off when we get home? (previous history) Act As If? continue as we have before H went on his trip, keep a physical distance, wait for him to make the first move.
This comes from some personal experience (remember, my W went on vacation with OM and then, for about 12 hours, broke up with OM), I'm betting he will be tired. I would help him get his stuff unpacked and in the wash, tell him you are glad he's back, and then go on with your evening as if he was never gone. Meaning just do whatever you would be doing normally. I'm guessing that he expects pressure from you upon his return. I would avoid that since he doesn't seem to react well to expectations from you.
Now, if he wants to tell you all about his trip then that would be a great opportunity to mirror, validate, and do all of that nice conversation DBing stuff. Heck, if he is in a really good mood it might be a good time for a little bit of seduction.
But that's just what I would do. Who knows if that is the "right thing" to do.
Thanks ZenMan and Sage, I'll see how his mood is, and hope I can go for #1. At some point I ass/u/me he'll tell me what time he gets back to the airport so I can pick him up. Think fun, think happy!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW! I replied to your post a few days ago but it didn't take somehow. I'm caught up now. What a rollercoaster you've been on these past couple of weeks. I'm thinking of you.
Re, the homecoming: I think a little from column A and a little from column B. He'll be tired and want to share his experiences, but I think he'll also be a bit relieved to be home. Be positive and cheerful and validating and fun.
Happy Monday! I'm back from a nice weekend with my best horses and my sister. We had a great time visiting and riding. Sis goes back home today.
H comes home today. It's been a strange week, I've missed him terribly, and at the same time haven't had to deal with him face to face. The phone calls were seldom and short. So different from how it used to be with us. Maybe he was just out of cell tower power, but it seemed he really didn't want to talk while he was the Mountain Man. He did have a successfel hunt. Sent a txt mssge now and then. By the end of the week he got back to civilization, and then actually called me a few times but not much to say. Last night he called, and we spent 25 minutes on the phone with about 5 minutes of conversation. He finally told me when his flight came in today, and wondered if I could pick him up or if he needed to make other arrangements. ??? I said I was planning on it now that I knew what time he was coming, but if he wanted to make other arrangements then just let me know. H said he didn't want to make other arrangements. Is that weird? I broke my rule about asking, and asked how his day was, how are the kids, what did you do, etc...... got one word and short sentence answers. Finally, I said I ran out of questions for his one word answers, and he laughed. He could never say goodnight, just bye or talk to you later.
So here we go, H gets back home in 5 hours. I'm excited to see him and touch him, but I don't think it will be reciprocated. Haven't had a good feeling from him over the week of his trip. Will anything change when he's back? will we continue in the pathetic way we have been? or can we make a change in this marriage and be two happy people? Again, time will tell.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm so glad you had a good time with your sister! Again we seem to be living in the same sitch. My XH gets home tonight. All of our conversations (a whole 25 mins worth of time in five days, including the time he talked to the kids) were the same as yours. Short and detailless. I can't decide if I'm looking forward to him coming home or not. Hope we both have better homecomings than expected.
WCW sound like we both went and did some things for ourselves this weekend. GOOD FOR YOU and I am glad you got to spend some time with your Sister. I don't know what I would do if my Sister wasn't close. Hang in there you will find a way I am sure on how to handle the situation. I think the Act As If would be a good road to take, just think to yourself how happy he is going to be to see you and how much he missed you and let those feelings pull you through, because I know you missed him and how happy you will be to see him. Even if there is a little anxiety.
Cappacino, cookies, and seduction does not work. Well, two out of three were okay. Can you guess which one backfired?
H called while waiting on his connecting flight this morning, said because he was actually flying one day earlier than his ticket had him scheduled, his luggage was enroute to another city besides the one he is coming back too. When I got to the airport to pick him up, he was at the lost baggage filing a claim, looked my way when he saw me approach, and ignored me after that. Finally, I butted in the conversation, asked the lady behind the counter to excuse me but I haven't seen this guy for a week and took a hug. One armed limp fish back. The ride home was strained conversation. Walk into the house and H sets down his bags in the living room, makes a phone call, starts up his laptop computer, I checked email on the desktop computer and typed a reply, he got off the phone. I walked over and asked if his laptop was still starting up, he said yes it was, so I was going to pick it up and move it off his lap, but he grabbed it and said in a grating voice 'it can just stay right here.' All down hill from there. I asked if that was the best he could give me, you've been gone for a week. H replied what does being gone have to do with it? I said a hug or kiss or emotion or feeling would be nice. No response. I tried again to ask him to set his laptop aside, he said 'why, you got to check your email. I could check mine but couldn't reply without changing all kinds of settings.' I said 'it wasn't my fault you were gone a week and couldn't do email.' I felt like dirt that he just ground into the carpet. Once again, he by all means let me know where I rate on his list of priorities.
I dug a deeper hole. I said I thought that if he couldn't even give me a hug then it would be best if he didn't unpack his bags and instead packed up more of his stuff and went somewhere else for a while. I said you've been physically gone for a week, but emotionally gone for over 2 years. I told him I had hoped that after his trip we could start on a fresh foot and not continue how we had been. He wanted to know how we had been. I said we can't hug, we don't sleep together, you keep secrets and lead a life you won't let me be a part of, and that's not how I want to continue to live, I want something different. He agreed, I should have something different. I asked what he wanted. He said he wants something different too. I asked what he wanted? he said he can't share that with me because I broke his confidence when I talked to other people. I said you mean when you checked my email and saw what I said even though you lied about that too? he said 'what email'. Wow! what a comeback! I know he checked my email, it's the only way he would have known about lunches and walks and talks with a GF. It bugged him I had a friend to talk too. And of course I was scum of the earth and how dare I look at HIS email? Double standard, bucko?
So, he finally said he agreed it would be best to find somewhere else to stay. I said it's not what I would prefer, I would prefer we find a way to improve what we have, but it would take communication and emotions and feelings to figure it out. I also said that I've suggested compromise before, but it never goes anywhere. I said if you could just open yourself up a little bit, you wouldn't remember just the negative things that you always think about me, you would remember that I am a good person that you can have those memories too. He shook his head yes. I said I still love the man I married. I suggested we could have some nights that we could touch and try to be close, other nights that would be off limits. And I included that those were all dumb suggestions if he was looking for a different place to live. I said we also have a lot of financial stuff to figure out, H made a comment about some business stuff. More silence.
I walked over and gave him a long hug, I put his arms around me, told him he smelled different, and I missed him helping me stretch my back out in the mornings, and rubbed his back. Then I went to change clothes and headed outside for chores. H followed me around like a puppy for most of the evening. Helped me with some of them. We moved some stock into different pens, switched some stuff around. I went to his trailer to get some tools, he was there in a jiffy wondering what I was doing. Helped with a horse, gave me some guidance. I started on a different project, and he finally came inside and is in the shop downstairs. I came in, phone rang, it was for him, so I took the phone to him, it was about an event we have lined up for this weekend, so he had to come and ask me the answer to the question anyway. Discussed the phone call when he was done, he went back downstairs.
Is he leaving? Is he leaving tonight? I don't know. Do I want him to leave? NO. Do I want to continue this life we have? NO. I'm stuck. I hate being stuck.
I had a major compliment this weekend from some friends. They told my sis that I really am good with the horses, I understand what they are teaching and telling people in clinics, they said I am even better than H because he always tries to do too much. They said my horse is better than his horse. Maybe my horse is, but because we've been so busy promoting the other one that me and my horse are 2nd string. I had many other people that we were riding with this weekend, many who I met for the first time, compliment my horse and how nice she is, and they figured I could accomplish our tasks this weekend as well as go to the show ring. They are correct, I might sound vain, but my horse is very well rounded and yes, we do it all. Trail ride, show ring, rounding up and roping cows, competition events - she competes and finishes well. And I trained her. There goes my own horn - TOOT Toot!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW I'm sorry things didn't go better. You should toot your own horn. Wish I had some words of encouragement or wisdom but I also had a turn of events this weekend and I know exactly how you feel not wanting it to end but not wanting to continue on the way things have been. Hang in there, we are here for you.
(((hugs))) Oh my friend. I've had a glass of wine and I'm sitting here crying as I read your post. So I'm not going to comment much more than to tell you I'm thinking of you. Nothing I want to say right now would help either one of us. Your H is a jerk, just like my XH. We deserve better, too bad we love those stupid jerks so much. (((((hugs)))))
