*more hugs* Oh don't think I've got it much better, he just told me last Wednesday, that's less than a week's notice. Men! Grrrr! If you were just a little closer I'd say let's meet up and have some fun together! I just have to get that stupid little voice in the back of my head to stop saying all these negative things about his trip. *sigh* Does it ever stop? Take care of you.
Alrighty. I'm back, have cried and dried my eyes. At least for now. The actual goodbye is always the hardest for me, I cry way too easy. Doesn't matter if it's H or whoever. I did end up sending H a txt that I could take him to the airport, and after some time he replied back with that he didn't see my txt right away, but if I wanted to take him that was ok. So I did, he was finishing up loading his bags up, we joked about qty and weight limits. He said he still needed to feed hay and move some cows to be ready to go. Well, gee, what have you been doing for the last 3 1/2 hours? But, as he knew I would, I said I'll do it when I get back later, they'll all be okay until then. He counted on me saying that, I should have just sat down and said let me know when you're ready. Slap me.
By this time it was half before noon, and I asked if he ate anything yet or wanted something, so I swung thru a drive thru. I told him those airplane snacks wouldn't keep him strong and healthy for a week of hunting. He told me a few plans for hunting, where, travel, etc. I asked about cost, he said the out of state hunting permit, but basically that should be about it. His two adult boys had asked him if he'd be renting a car, and H said no. Good for him! don't those guys already have something to drive if they're going 3 hours from home hunting?
I also told him I wanted to try and clarify without making a big mess that I wasn't upset about the trip or that he's going or going hunting, but I was hurt about how he planned it all and wouldn't tell me or include me, and I wouldn't get to see any of the family. I also told him I never was a big fan of separate vacations. He didn't say much.
I hope I didn't overstep his limits, but I was driving and we took the little can saver instead of one of our trucks. Means we sit alot closer. He also kept his cappucino in his right hand and his left hand free. Unusual for him. I took that opportunity to hold my hand out, and ask him for his hand, I said I'd like to see if they still fit. He didn't resist, but he wouldn't just slide them together, and in less than a minute he offered me some of his cappucino to break the hand hold. As we approached the airport I asked if he wanted to be dumped at the curb or wanted me to help with his bags. He said the curb was fine. I parked and we were unloading, and a skycap guy came and offered a luggage cart. So in a jiffy he was off with the bags and H had to follow, but he did offer a one armed hug and thanks for the ride, I said come home safe and (yes, ZenMan, thanks for the advice) a peck on the cheek, he even sort of offered it. Got back in the car, cried and swore.
Started making some phone calls, I hope when H sees the next cell bill he will notice that and think that I wasn't in a state of depression for too long. Dumb trick? I don't know. But, about 30 minutes up the road, guess who calls me? Yup, it was H. Gave me an update about getting thru check in with a gun and all the details they did not tell him on the phone. I joked if I needed to turn around and come get him, he said almost. Then what was also interesting, he hardly never makes it thru metal checks, too many rivets on his Wranglers and snaps on his shirts. Today he walked right thru, no one checked his id, and the 8" metal plate in his leg didn't set off any alarms. Isn't that a little scary? So he was waiting at the gate to board, and called me. Nice. I ended the call with saying keep in touch when you can. And, a little later he sent me another txt mssge.
So, the week will go fast I think. The whole load of chores without help. I'd like to rent or borrow the movie Racing Stripes and watch it. Except for last winter when H was laid up we never watch movies anymore. Tonight he would have been gone to a meeting anyway and I know a lady is stopping by to ride horse, Tuesday I already know some other folks are stopping by, Wednesday night I have a meeting, and Thursday I hope to be getting ready to leave for the weekend and meet my sis in IA. In fact, I might not even make it back in time to pick H from the airport, especially since he never told me any times of when he comes back.
One other thing, I stuck a picture of me in his luggage, a note that said think of us in his socks, and spritzed his bags with my perfume. Hope it was a good thing, can't take it back now.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
sgctxok, I may have fibbed about that last initiated hug from H. In May of this year, H was making me feel pretty low, I finally said I was just going to call my sister and ask if I could stay with her for awhile. He took me in arms, and said if someone needed to leave then he would. I told him no, he wasn't driving out and leaving me with all the work and responsibility, if he left we both left. Sorry if I'm still thinking too much. It's a bad habit when it comes to this stuff.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Must be the time of year for thinking too much. At least your H is still in the same house with you. I sure wish mine was sometimes (okay not so much today). Even though I wish he was here I do think it makes it a little easier not having to face the tension everyday with him having his own place.
Hang in there and just take this time to recharge your batteries.
Okay, so why are you thinking about ME in YOUR shower? and you're going to make me wait for the answer? you're a tease!
I tell you what...you take my thinking about you while I'm in the shower in whatever way works best for you. But if it's R-rated then I want to hear about it. Tee hee.
Ok, so here's what occurred to me today. In my past life, I wasn't the strong-and-silent type like your husband but I was a bit of a brooding-and-silent type when things were tough. I tried to put myself in your H's place today in order to figure out what he might be thinking. That's always kinda dangerous and especially so when you don't really know someone but let me throw some ideas out there. And, please, understand that I'm not picking sides or anything of the sort...I'm just wondering if I might have some insight into what *he* feels...justified or not.
In my marriage when things weren't going well, whether that be with the R, work, money, whatever, I would often feel trapped and withdrawl. I would withdrawl to try to think and come up with a way out of whatever the situation might be. W would often try to draw me back into the situation and say things like "oh, it will be okay"...basically gloss over the stuff that was bothering me. Not invalidating...anti-validating, if you will. The worst thing she could have done but she thought she was just trying to cheer me up. Eventually, I started to see her as somewhat complicit in creating the bad situations. "If you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem." Round and round went the cycle. Once I got into that cycle it became easier and easier to blame my W for some of the stress I was feeling, even the stuff she wasn't responsible for, and I would refuse to participate in conversations about "big things". Rather than deal with something that needed addressed, I would just ignore it. Walk away. Of course, that is terrible communication and left us wide-open to misinterpreting each other. My W read it as neglecting her, and maybe it was in a way, and went looking for someone else...and found him.
Why is this important? You guys are *so so* busy. I wonder if perhaps when your H has second thoughts about the situation you guys are in with the farm, etc? Perhaps it's not you that he is rejecting...perhaps he is feeling trapped by the responsibilities of the farm and the business? Yes, I know that those are things that you guys got into willingly and jointly. I didn' t say that it was logical...just that he that might be what he is *feeling*. And because he is the strong-and-silent type he is conflicted...in some ways potential OW is an escape from the situation...but taking up with her would be shirking his duties as a man and a husband (important male ego thing there. Especially for a strong-and-silent type.) He loves you but the not the situation and the two seem so intertwined that he can't find a way to get away from one without getting away from the other. The spending, and trips alone, and secretiveness are his way of avoiding and withdrawing for a while. You said things went south after he got injured. Perhaps that was a wake-up call for him; he isn't superman, can't work his way through anything, isn't going to live forever? I think that would be troublesome for a manly man.
Now, that could all be a bunch of BS. I could totally be projecting my issues into your situation, but...
If you think there is a chance that anything I wrote *isn't* crap, is there anything that you could do, besides just working harder and harder and harder, to change the situation with the farm, the business, etc etc etc? Like perhaps scale back expectations for the business? Ease the reigns a bit if you will.
I really think that he still loves you...especially what you said about him crying the other night. It sounds like it hurts him to hurt you. I'll bet that he really *wants* to be happy *with* you but if he is feeling trapped...
ZenMan, thank you thank you for taking so much time to think about me and write your thoughts. I truly truly appreciate it. I understand most of your thoughts, and know just what you mean. We are having a real struggle with keeping all the balls in the air, and I have tried to address the different balls. When we talked and communicated better, we were shoulder to shoulder, and managed. We both acknowledged the crazy schedules, and knew we also needed to spend time together. Most of our time together also happens to be with anywhere from 1 to 12 people in and out of our yard each evening. H loves people, and more than that he loves the attention showered on him by most of those people. He is a good man, has a good heart, will drop something to help someone, many times at his/mine/our/ranch expense. I used to be important enough that he would shower me with his attention, and while I know I can't be on the pedastal all the time, I always knew it was me that he came home to each night because he couldn't wait to see me. When he got home he would come find me where ever I was, walk up to me, and give me a kiss. How much better can it be?
Quote: Rather than deal with something that needed addressed, I would just ignore it.
Boy is that my H. Always been that way, if you ignore it long enough it will just go away. He hates confrontation, with anyone. That includes any type of problem between us. I don't do much glossing over, I've been told many times I am tactfully blunt. Sometimes not even tactful! So if we start having problems with R,M,budget,repairs,health, whatever, I want to address and he wants to ignore. I can see where H wants to make me part of the problem with the business. We had agreed to grow slow and pay out of our pocket rather than take out loans. One day he changed his mind, bought a bunch of inventory, and started a line of credit. I wasn't happy, and he just couldn't understand why it wasn't okay. Since then he has told me that I don't support him with the business, I won't help him. Excuse me? That was the year he had been tight with OW for about 3 months now, but I still didn't know. OW and her then H ran a business, suppose my H was getting business advice? So I can certainly see where he thinks I am part of the problem, but then after I found out about OW he made a comment that he still wanted to be business partners because he respected my brain and my business sense. Can anyone help explain that?
Quote: perhaps he is feeling trapped by the responsibilities of the farm and the business?
I asked him that Friday night, he said he did not feel trapped. Maybe he didn't quite understand what I all meant. We do have a heavy load, and not to sound vain, but we have many people that respect our business and opinions and come to us for advice. I'm sure he feels the weight of all the pressure just as I do, but it was built under a joint venture, and when I did mention we should slow down and take us time, we never broke stride. Maybe his feelings were hidden from me 5 or 6 years ago when he wouldn't slow down, it was his way of ignoring what he was/wasn't feeling for me while building his/our dream.
I also agree that shirking his man/husband duties is something he does not want to do in the public eye. It angers him to think of people knowing about what it is in fact happening, and it also came up last Friday night. He threw out a comment to me how he figured everyone knew what was going on with us, and I had to reassure him that if more than one person knew it did not come from me. His image is important to him, he does not want it tainted.
I also thinks he likes the power of spending money, he can be king. He can buy toys and trinkets and electronic gadgets and have the newest for his horse, and everyone marvels and dotes on him. Another ego feed, but he's not feeding the checkbook enough to keep up with it. Most of what went south after his injury was the finances, the R was already there. Sometimes I think because of his injury he was forced to sit on the couch and just think. Of course his favorite answer besides I don't know is I don't think about it. BS. Sometimes I feel it was God's way of forcing us both to slow down, at least for a while. That injury may be the only reason we are still married, what OW wants a broke broken cowboy that can't work? It sure seemed to slow them down too. H actually still is in a slow mode, believe it or not. He's still not working his prior schedule, and isn't riding as many horses as he did. Which all cuts deep in the pocket book.
Thank you again, ZenMan, for all your time and thoughts. It does help just to know that some of what went on in your marriage is the same type of thing in mine. So I'm not the Lone Ranger? Thanks for your encouraging words, he really does love me? I hope so. Keep giving me feedback, make me think, even if I do too much of it!
I rented a dvd tonight, Racing Stripes, got me a new account at the video store. It doesn't work! First off, I had to plug in the dvd player, then figure out how to switch around the TV. But then it skipped and was jerky, so I put in an old dvd and it was fine, and then put Stripes back in but it did the same thing. I was even giving up Monday Night Football to watch this movie, and now I can't. Bummer.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Wahoo! you're good bigAl! good thing I got dish soap last week. Signing off for the night to spend the rest of the evening with my ever faithful devoted dog who can be in the house with me tonight and a zebra.
TTFN
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Movie is done, I had some good laughs. Felt mighty fine.
Earlier this evening I called H about some parts that came in for a trailer axle, wanted his input about getting the bearings greased so I didn't mess something up. He was in between flights and answered, and when we were hanging up I asked him to call and let me know he got there safe. He said ok, talk to you later. Movie was in the last part, H sent a txt mssge that he had landed in the Great West, I replied, Thanks for calling. Just as Stripes came around the home stretch H called. Gee, timing is great! Said his big duffle bag didn't make the final leg of the trip, they'd deliver it tomorrow by 10am. Won't all the big game be back in bed by that time?
Used to be when H was on the road he'd always call first thing in the morning and say good morning to start our days, and last thing at night to say good night. Can I possibly expect as much this trip? probably not. It's up to him to contact me now.
I know, it's just a vacation and he's gone for a week. I'm in a much better spot than many folks here (I'm not trying to rub that in). Just need to keep my outlook in perspective, and be prepared for whatever attitude he brings home with him. Too many weird vibes lately.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good Morning to me. No contact from H this morning, like he always used to when he was on the road. Is the honeymoon over? I suppose in some ways it is a standoff between us, who will make the first contact? It's his turn, it's tradition between us for the traveling person to make the call back home to the one waiting. No call home to me. Aren't cell phones supposed to make contact easier? Bummer, PMA pretty low when it comes to the H area. If he wants to go dark during this leave of absence it's his call, but he better be dark with OW too! Fat chance! Didn't sleep so well last night, even though I am used to sleeping alone, the house sounded so different. But my faithful dog came to check on me about 2:30am, wagged his tail at me, I patted his head, and we went back to sleep. He doesn't usually get to spend the whole night in the house.
The rest of life is pretty cool. Heard from sis that she will be here Thursday, and is making the trip with me this weekend. Double cool! Trying to get something set up with all the family that we can all have a few hours together at least. All the critters were where they belonged this morning, chores were easy. Triple cool!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
He also kept his cappucino in his right hand and his left hand free. Unusual for him. I took that opportunity to hold my hand out, and ask him for his hand, I said I'd like to see if they still fit. He didn't resist, but he wouldn't just slide them together, and in less than a minute he offered me some of his cappucino to break the hand hold. As we approached the airport I asked if he wanted to be dumped at the curb or wanted me to help with his bags. He said the curb was fine. I parked and we were unloading, and a skycap guy came and offered a luggage cart. So in a jiffy he was off with the bags and H had to follow, but he did offer a one armed hug and thanks for the ride, I said come home safe and (yes, ZenMan, thanks for the advice) a peck on the cheek, he even sort of offered it. Got back in the car, cried and swore.
