Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

ZenMan, thank you thank you for taking so much time to think about me and write your thoughts. I truly truly appreciate it. I understand most of your thoughts, and know just what you mean. We are having a real struggle with keeping all the balls in the air, and I have tried to address the different balls. When we talked and communicated better, we were shoulder to shoulder, and managed. We both acknowledged the crazy schedules, and knew we also needed to spend time together. Most of our time together also happens to be with anywhere from 1 to 12 people in and out of our yard each evening. H loves people, and more than that he loves the attention showered on him by most of those people. He is a good man, has a good heart, will drop something to help someone, many times at his/mine/our/ranch expense. I used to be important enough that he would shower me with his attention, and while I know I can't be on the pedastal all the time, I always knew it was me that he came home to each night because he couldn't wait to see me. When he got home he would come find me where ever I was, walk up to me, and give me a kiss. How much better can it be?

Rather than deal with something that needed addressed, I would just ignore it.

Boy is that my H. Always been that way, if you ignore it long enough it will just go away. He hates confrontation, with anyone. That includes any type of problem between us. I don't do much glossing over, I've been told many times I am tactfully blunt. Sometimes not even tactful! So if we start having problems with R,M,budget,repairs,health, whatever, I want to address and he wants to ignore. I can see where H wants to make me part of the problem with the business. We had agreed to grow slow and pay out of our pocket rather than take out loans. One day he changed his mind, bought a bunch of inventory, and started a line of credit. I wasn't happy, and he just couldn't understand why it wasn't okay. Since then he has told me that I don't support him with the business, I won't help him. Excuse me? That was the year he had been tight with OW for about 3 months now, but I still didn't know. OW and her then H ran a business, suppose my H was getting business advice? So I can certainly see where he thinks I am part of the problem, but then after I found out about OW he made a comment that he still wanted to be business partners because he respected my brain and my business sense. Can anyone help explain that?

perhaps he is feeling trapped by the responsibilities of the farm and the business?

I asked him that Friday night, he said he did not feel trapped. Maybe he didn't quite understand what I all meant. We do have a heavy load, and not to sound vain, but we have many people that respect our business and opinions and come to us for advice. I'm sure he feels the weight of all the pressure just as I do, but it was built under a joint venture, and when I did mention we should slow down and take us time, we never broke stride. Maybe his feelings were hidden from me 5 or 6 years ago when he wouldn't slow down, it was his way of ignoring what he was/wasn't feeling for me while building his/our dream.

I also agree that shirking his man/husband duties is something he does not want to do in the public eye. It angers him to think of people knowing about what it is in fact happening, and it also came up last Friday night. He threw out a comment to me how he figured everyone knew what was going on with us, and I had to reassure him that if more than one person knew it did not come from me. His image is important to him, he does not want it tainted.

I also thinks he likes the power of spending money, he can be king. He can buy toys and trinkets and electronic gadgets and have the newest for his horse, and everyone marvels and dotes on him. Another ego feed, but he's not feeding the checkbook enough to keep up with it. Most of what went south after his injury was the finances, the R was already there. Sometimes I think because of his injury he was forced to sit on the couch and just think. Of course his favorite answer besides I don't know is I don't think about it. BS. Sometimes I feel it was God's way of forcing us both to slow down, at least for a while. That injury may be the only reason we are still married, what OW wants a broke broken cowboy that can't work? It sure seemed to slow them down too. H actually still is in a slow mode, believe it or not. He's still not working his prior schedule, and isn't riding as many horses as he did. Which all cuts deep in the pocket book.

Thank you again, ZenMan, for all your time and thoughts. It does help just to know that some of what went on in your marriage is the same type of thing in mine. So I'm not the Lone Ranger? Thanks for your encouraging words, he really does love me? I hope so. Keep giving me feedback, make me think, even if I do too much of it!

I rented a dvd tonight, Racing Stripes, got me a new account at the video store. It doesn't work! First off, I had to plug in the dvd player, then figure out how to switch around the TV. But then it skipped and was jerky, so I put in an old dvd and it was fine, and then put Stripes back in but it did the same thing. I was even giving up Monday Night Football to watch this movie, and now I can't. Bummer.