Okay, so why are you thinking about ME in YOUR shower? and you're going to make me wait for the answer? you're a tease!
I tell you what...you take my thinking about you while I'm in the shower in whatever way works best for you. But if it's R-rated then I want to hear about it. Tee hee.
Ok, so here's what occurred to me today. In my past life, I wasn't the strong-and-silent type like your husband but I was a bit of a brooding-and-silent type when things were tough. I tried to put myself in your H's place today in order to figure out what he might be thinking. That's always kinda dangerous and especially so when you don't really know someone but let me throw some ideas out there. And, please, understand that I'm not picking sides or anything of the sort...I'm just wondering if I might have some insight into what *he* feels...justified or not.
In my marriage when things weren't going well, whether that be with the R, work, money, whatever, I would often feel trapped and withdrawl. I would withdrawl to try to think and come up with a way out of whatever the situation might be. W would often try to draw me back into the situation and say things like "oh, it will be okay"...basically gloss over the stuff that was bothering me. Not invalidating...anti-validating, if you will. The worst thing she could have done but she thought she was just trying to cheer me up. Eventually, I started to see her as somewhat complicit in creating the bad situations. "If you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem." Round and round went the cycle. Once I got into that cycle it became easier and easier to blame my W for some of the stress I was feeling, even the stuff she wasn't responsible for, and I would refuse to participate in conversations about "big things". Rather than deal with something that needed addressed, I would just ignore it. Walk away. Of course, that is terrible communication and left us wide-open to misinterpreting each other. My W read it as neglecting her, and maybe it was in a way, and went looking for someone else...and found him.
Why is this important? You guys are *so so* busy. I wonder if perhaps when your H has second thoughts about the situation you guys are in with the farm, etc? Perhaps it's not you that he is rejecting...perhaps he is feeling trapped by the responsibilities of the farm and the business? Yes, I know that those are things that you guys got into willingly and jointly. I didn' t say that it was logical...just that he that might be what he is *feeling*. And because he is the strong-and-silent type he is conflicted...in some ways potential OW is an escape from the situation...but taking up with her would be shirking his duties as a man and a husband (important male ego thing there. Especially for a strong-and-silent type.) He loves you but the not the situation and the two seem so intertwined that he can't find a way to get away from one without getting away from the other. The spending, and trips alone, and secretiveness are his way of avoiding and withdrawing for a while. You said things went south after he got injured. Perhaps that was a wake-up call for him; he isn't superman, can't work his way through anything, isn't going to live forever? I think that would be troublesome for a manly man.
Now, that could all be a bunch of BS. I could totally be projecting my issues into your situation, but...
If you think there is a chance that anything I wrote *isn't* crap, is there anything that you could do, besides just working harder and harder and harder, to change the situation with the farm, the business, etc etc etc? Like perhaps scale back expectations for the business? Ease the reigns a bit if you will.
I really think that he still loves you...especially what you said about him crying the other night. It sounds like it hurts him to hurt you. I'll bet that he really *wants* to be happy *with* you but if he is feeling trapped...
