PMA down the drain last night, pretty bummed today. A few weeks ago H mentioned that his boys wanted him to come on a hunting trip out west and visit everyone. I asked him dates and details, we talked about all the other things already planned for that week, but he never said anymore about it. Until last night. He got himself a ticket right after that, and he leaves this Monday. I told him that really hurts, that again he excludes me from his life and doesn't talk to me. He said he asked me if I was interested in going, but I walked away without answering. So that's how well we communicate, I thought we were still planning something together, and he already bought a ticket for himself. A$$hole.
What brought the topic up was that Friday we recieved an invitation to spend at friends next weekend, and I asked if he thought he would like to go. That's when he told me he was leaving for his hunting trip on Monday. In a way I feel like I get some relief for a week and I can be and do what I want without H hovering nearby. But I don't get to see kids or grandkids, it's been over 2 years since I've seen them all. But what corks me so much is that he never told me. So I couldn't stop my mouth, and went on that I am tired of being hurt and living under his marriage rules. He got defensive, "Oh, my rules." Yeah right, how you have it set up. I asked him about his guns that have been missing all summer, he said they've been in his trailer the whole time. That's a lie, I know they were not there. I asked if he was always going to keep clothes and stuff in his trailer. He said he figured that was a good place for it. I asked why it is now and not for all the other years. He refered to the big argument earlier this year, turned physical, which he started, but he says it was all my fault and I started it. Because I took his hand and asked him to come to bed with me? and he pushed me away and started yelling? and I didn't stand around and take it? He said because of that he'll always keep clothes in his trailer because of me. So how about I just pack up ALL of his stuff and put it there, instead of just his choice items? Why does he always get to pick and choose the parts of this marriage he wants?
I also talked finances. I said now you're off work another week and there's bills to pay. He is self employed, no work, no money. I said I am tired of scrapping and scraping to pay the bills, while he goes out and spends and buys to his jolly contentment. We will make a list of expenses and divide it out in proportion to income. I want to have spending money too, if I want to buy something I should be able to do it. H was nodding his head right along with me. And then I said to that if he wanted to keep making a list and dividing things up we could that. He had quite a look on his face and quit nodding. Stared back at the campfire. I asked if he felt trapped here, he said no. I said I did. Mostly I did the talking, he didn't say much. I did not bring up his affair, but I did refer to the last two years and how tired I am of being hurt all the time, I don't how much more I can take. He won't admit anything. All he said was sorry he didn't tell me sooner about his ticket.
We had quite a lengthy silence, I finally got up to go in the house, went to give him a hug, and said "you're going to be gone all next and it would be nice if you didn't make me sleep alone the next couple of nights." I went to bed. I didn't expect anything. A couple hours later he came to bed, wouldn't get close at all. I got up about 4am, took some aspirin, and crawled back in bed and put my cold feet against him for a few minutes. After 6am, I rolled over towards him and he jumped out of bed. I wasn't going to touch him, but he must've thought I was and jumped away.
This man continues to focus on anything negative I have ever done. He dwells on it and wallows in it. I know I am not perfect, I admit that. But I can't get him out of that mindset. And if I can't get him out of that mindset how will this ever work?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW I am so sorry for your turn of events. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom. Remember though we all have our moments and makes mistakes we are only human and don't think of this as being bucked off just a little crow hopping. Remember what you said to me. "Why does he get to be in control?" I feel your frustration but I am sure it is much worse for you considering the length of time this has been going on. Maybe the two of you just need a break to regroup and gain some perspective without the pressure of the daily stuff.
Keep your chin up, hang in there and remember heels down,
Let's go back to the beginning as if you were first DBing, because you have him there.........and that shows a lot of love..........but you both still have a lot of anger going....understandably........I'd personally have to kill him. And I'm a chemist, so I wouldn't do it quickly. He'd have to suffer.
So .... list your goals.....What do you want to change? What do you want from him? What would make you fall off your chair if he did it for you or said it to you? What would make you sooooooooooo glad you were married to this schmuck?
Let's start there.
BTW..........you are a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry good person.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Ha! I don't want him dead, I want him to feel. I want him to tell me what he feels. He just doesn't say anything, except if he gets defensive. So can you mix up a little potion? Remember the old song, Love Potion #9. I accomplished one goal today, I moved the couch back into the house. As well as a mattress we have for the dressing of the horse trailer, moved that back into the trailer, we had to take it out when the trailer went in for some repair after we were in a wreck last May. I asked H if he would help, he got a pained look on his face and heehawed and walked away. But when I went to move the items he did show up to help. Asked me who helped me get the couch out, I said I did it myself. Which I did, under a rush of adrenalin because I was so cotton pickin mad at him. Today I am still so worn from being sick I could barely manage with his help.
Goals - short term: Hug and Kiss, one to start with, and then all the time, like we used to. Hold hands, if we're walking together or sitting together, or when we pray, like we used to. Sleep in the same bed when we're at home, for exactly one day short of a year, H didn't sleep in our bed except one night when I was gone. In the last 3 weeks he's slept in our bed 3 times.
Long term goals - to have him back as my partner in life, in marriage, in business, to tackle life side by side and know we can do it.
What I want from him? short term, quit keeping secrets, quit hiding his feelings. Take responsibility for what has been going for the past two years, be sorry for the pain he has caused. Be financially responsible, quit overspending, if you don't have it don't spend it.
What I want from him long term? I want him to bring security and trust back to our marriage, to help me gain that back. I read on another post that someone was asked what if her H and OW remained friends for the rest of their lives? Well, I think that will happen here. I feel they have moved past the stage of infatuation and dependence, but because of business prior to and ongoing, they will remain in contact. And this isn't a new thing for H to remain friends with old girlfriends, I've met a few of his old flames. Before this all happened, I was secure about H because I knew he came home to ME every night, it was our life. He took that away from me, my security, my ability to trust, my friend that I could count on to be there for me.
I about fell off my chair, actually I was sitting on a big rock, when he sent me a txt the other night about being home late. It was very considerate and reminded me of the guy I used to know. It's just those little things that would rock me now. I am starting to see them every so often, I know he's in there somewhere. It would shock me if he opened his arms for a hug, kissed me or let me kiss him, didn't hold back during sex.
I already am glad I am married to this schmuck. Isn't that silly? What I do want is to have the whole thing, the real deal. I want him to quit dwelling on every bad thing and start thinking positive. I wish I remembered my exact question to him last night, it was basically about him staying, us staying together. His typical answer would be I don't know. Last night his answer was a little different, in a positive way. I just can't recall the specifics, but I recall thinking it was a good thing.
Today while moving the couch and mattress, I found two kitties. One was friendly enough for never having touched a human, the other was a real scrapper, clawed me up pretty good. I'm not real fond of cats, but H wanted to cage them for a while and tame them down. Oh great, something else for me to take care of while he's gone.
I'm a little afraid. I know I can physically take care of the place without his help, I did all last winter while he was laid up. I know I can make the decisions necessary to keep everything going, I did even while he bucked everything I did last year. Financially, I would have to make some tough decisions. What I'm afraid of is that I might like it while he's gone next week, and won't like it when he comes back. It's like that with sleeping in our bed. I've wanted and waited for him to come to bed for so long, now he has a few times, and I sleep horrible with him there. Snoring, hogging covers, I get less than half the bed again. I have to get used to it all over. What if I like him gone?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Ok WCW. He's being a d^ck again. if you aske me, there's no way he wants to lose you. He didn't say anything about the trip because he was scared, as usual, about what you might be thinking. Putting off talking about it is a great tactic when you're afraid.
So why don't you wait until next week and see if you like it without him before you worry about it? I'd say you won't, but I think you should take the time (what little you get in your crazy a$$ life) to do a thing or two for WCW. Come on, I know there are some things you'd like to do that you can squeeze in while he's gone. Maybe you can just relax without having to be the DB queen all week. Forget about him for a week and recharge your batteries.
Sometimes it is nice to have someone just lay it out for you.
I agree with BigAl just take the time that he is away to regroup and gain some new and maybe different perspectives and it will probably recharge your DB'ing if you don't have to do it for a week.
I also agree with you WCW I like the full moon especially when camping but I think the full moon brings out the weirdness in the world. I know I usually encounter some strange goings on or other not what I would consider normal(is there such a thing) during a full moon. So at least we know it doesn't last long
I'd have to pucker up! The easy answer is if I knew I would have already accomplished it. So basically I don't know, but I suspect it is his mind and pride that is holding him back, from wanting to hug me or let me hug him. In his mind he remembers the negative things, and his memories of the same event are different than mine. That is a problem we have always had, we remember the same thing different. And while he was involved with someone else, of course he didn't want to think about what a wonderful person I am, he couldn't justify what he was doing then. He hasn't let go of that line of thinking yet. When he picked a fight I fell right into it, and now he says I'm the one that wanted to fight all the time. Before that we never fought or argued. And anything recent that is negative supercedes anything old that he used to throw back at me. How do I change it? I'm working on it little by little, but it's not easy changing a stubborn cowboy. Mostly, as long as he can come and go as he pleases, spend money like he wants, I ask no questions, I pluck what I can from our life and call it positive baby steps, I put my emotions in a hole while I boost his ego, we get along pretty good. This trip thing for instance, I listened for his key words, I'd like to, I want to, I will, none of those words were in our conversation. He said the boys wanted him to come, and one had even bought a new gun already. But never did he say he WAS going, he did ask if I was interested in going, we talked about reasons it wouldn't work for either of us to go. That was it. The other night when he finally did tell me he had tickets, he said he asked if I was going and I walked away, and he wasn't going to beg me. HUH?
And right now, I've got less than 24 hours and he's on a plane, assuming he is leaving Monday like he said but I know zero details. But since Friday night, I haven't felt like hugging him either. I feel like I am supposed to want to, but I can't muster up the follow thru.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: I know there are some things you'd like to do that you can squeeze in while he's gone.
Sure, I'll squeeze in all the morning chores before I go to work, I'll squeeze in doing everything at night without any help, now we sorted calves from cows so that will mean extra work this week. We talked about doing that and picked this weekend, gee, ya think he could have told me he would be gone? and then I remind him to call the guy that buys them, and he tells him to make sure and call me this week. And I'll get to explain to the folks at the meetings this week why the President and Chairman of the group didn't show up. And I'll get to follow thru and finish up on the stuff he was supposed to do for this group a month ago and didn't.
And when I get all that done, I am planning to go to those friends next weekend with my horse, and take some me time. I even called my sister in AL and asked if she was ready for a trip and how does next Thur - Sun sound? She said she was just thinking about me this morning and we needed to see each other. I said you get to the location, and I'll bring you a horse and all the rest. It would be great if she can make it, lots more fun.
I've got plenty of wrap up before winter activities that must get done. But if I do get to go to friends the end of this week, plus meetings and work, I already know there isn't much time left for other stuff. Some of it will just have to wait until The Great Hunter of the Mountains returns home and realizes he can't always push his responsibility off on me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
