Ha! I don't want him dead, I want him to feel. I want him to tell me what he feels. He just doesn't say anything, except if he gets defensive. So can you mix up a little potion? Remember the old song, Love Potion #9. I accomplished one goal today, I moved the couch back into the house. As well as a mattress we have for the dressing of the horse trailer, moved that back into the trailer, we had to take it out when the trailer went in for some repair after we were in a wreck last May. I asked H if he would help, he got a pained look on his face and heehawed and walked away. But when I went to move the items he did show up to help. Asked me who helped me get the couch out, I said I did it myself. Which I did, under a rush of adrenalin because I was so cotton pickin mad at him. Today I am still so worn from being sick I could barely manage with his help.
Goals - short term: Hug and Kiss, one to start with, and then all the time, like we used to. Hold hands, if we're walking together or sitting together, or when we pray, like we used to. Sleep in the same bed when we're at home, for exactly one day short of a year, H didn't sleep in our bed except one night when I was gone. In the last 3 weeks he's slept in our bed 3 times.
Long term goals - to have him back as my partner in life, in marriage, in business, to tackle life side by side and know we can do it.
What I want from him? short term, quit keeping secrets, quit hiding his feelings. Take responsibility for what has been going for the past two years, be sorry for the pain he has caused. Be financially responsible, quit overspending, if you don't have it don't spend it.
What I want from him long term? I want him to bring security and trust back to our marriage, to help me gain that back. I read on another post that someone was asked what if her H and OW remained friends for the rest of their lives? Well, I think that will happen here. I feel they have moved past the stage of infatuation and dependence, but because of business prior to and ongoing, they will remain in contact. And this isn't a new thing for H to remain friends with old girlfriends, I've met a few of his old flames. Before this all happened, I was secure about H because I knew he came home to ME every night, it was our life. He took that away from me, my security, my ability to trust, my friend that I could count on to be there for me.
I about fell off my chair, actually I was sitting on a big rock, when he sent me a txt the other night about being home late. It was very considerate and reminded me of the guy I used to know. It's just those little things that would rock me now. I am starting to see them every so often, I know he's in there somewhere. It would shock me if he opened his arms for a hug, kissed me or let me kiss him, didn't hold back during sex.
I already am glad I am married to this schmuck. Isn't that silly? What I do want is to have the whole thing, the real deal. I want him to quit dwelling on every bad thing and start thinking positive. I wish I remembered my exact question to him last night, it was basically about him staying, us staying together. His typical answer would be I don't know. Last night his answer was a little different, in a positive way. I just can't recall the specifics, but I recall thinking it was a good thing.
Today while moving the couch and mattress, I found two kitties. One was friendly enough for never having touched a human, the other was a real scrapper, clawed me up pretty good. I'm not real fond of cats, but H wanted to cage them for a while and tame them down. Oh great, something else for me to take care of while he's gone.
I'm a little afraid. I know I can physically take care of the place without his help, I did all last winter while he was laid up. I know I can make the decisions necessary to keep everything going, I did even while he bucked everything I did last year. Financially, I would have to make some tough decisions. What I'm afraid of is that I might like it while he's gone next week, and won't like it when he comes back. It's like that with sleeping in our bed. I've wanted and waited for him to come to bed for so long, now he has a few times, and I sleep horrible with him there. Snoring, hogging covers, I get less than half the bed again. I have to get used to it all over. What if I like him gone?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
