Hanging on the Best Parts 2

[WCW]

PMA down the drain last night, pretty bummed today. A few weeks ago H mentioned that his boys wanted him to come on a hunting trip out west and visit everyone. I asked him dates and details, we talked about all the other things already planned for that week, but he never said anymore about it. Until last night. He got himself a ticket right after that, and he leaves this Monday. I told him that really hurts, that again he excludes me from his life and doesn't talk to me. He said he asked me if I was interested in going, but I walked away without answering. So that's how well we communicate, I thought we were still planning something together, and he already bought a ticket for himself. A$$hole.

What brought the topic up was that Friday we recieved an invitation to spend at friends next weekend, and I asked if he thought he would like to go. That's when he told me he was leaving for his hunting trip on Monday. In a way I feel like I get some relief for a week and I can be and do what I want without H hovering nearby. But I don't get to see kids or grandkids, it's been over 2 years since I've seen them all. But what corks me so much is that he never told me. So I couldn't stop my mouth, and went on that I am tired of being hurt and living under his marriage rules. He got defensive, "Oh, my rules." Yeah right, how you have it set up. I asked him about his guns that have been missing all summer, he said they've been in his trailer the whole time. That's a lie, I know they were not there. I asked if he was always going to keep clothes and stuff in his trailer. He said he figured that was a good place for it. I asked why it is now and not for all the other years. He refered to the big argument earlier this year, turned physical, which he started, but he says it was all my fault and I started it. Because I took his hand and asked him to come to bed with me? and he pushed me away and started yelling? and I didn't stand around and take it? He said because of that he'll always keep clothes in his trailer because of me. So how about I just pack up ALL of his stuff and put it there, instead of just his choice items? Why does he always get to pick and choose the parts of this marriage he wants?

I also talked finances. I said now you're off work another week and there's bills to pay. He is self employed, no work, no money. I said I am tired of scrapping and scraping to pay the bills, while he goes out and spends and buys to his jolly contentment. We will make a list of expenses and divide it out in proportion to income. I want to have spending money too, if I want to buy something I should be able to do it. H was nodding his head right along with me. And then I said to that if he wanted to keep making a list and dividing things up we could that. He had quite a look on his face and quit nodding. Stared back at the campfire. I asked if he felt trapped here, he said no. I said I did. Mostly I did the talking, he didn't say much. I did not bring up his affair, but I did refer to the last two years and how tired I am of being hurt all the time, I don't how much more I can take. He won't admit anything. All he said was sorry he didn't tell me sooner about his ticket.

We had quite a lengthy silence, I finally got up to go in the house, went to give him a hug, and said "you're going to be gone all next and it would be nice if you didn't make me sleep alone the next couple of nights." I went to bed. I didn't expect anything. A couple hours later he came to bed, wouldn't get close at all. I got up about 4am, took some aspirin, and crawled back in bed and put my cold feet against him for a few minutes. After 6am, I rolled over towards him and he jumped out of bed. I wasn't going to touch him, but he must've thought I was and jumped away.

This man continues to focus on anything negative I have ever done. He dwells on it and wallows in it. I know I am not perfect, I admit that. But I can't get him out of that mindset. And if I can't get him out of that mindset how will this ever work?