Boy, I tell ya, turning things around? this has been the longest largest curve to turn around on. I really never thought I'd be in this spot, if I ever found out about something like that was going on it was over. Easy to say when it's not happening, then bang! it happened. Makes you look at life in a whole different way and the person you thought you were.
I got yet another call from H late afternoon. Golly? twice in one day? He was driving by a store and thought he saw the little white can I'm currently driving (gas saver) buzz into the parking lot. Called to see where I was, now THAT's weird! I said it wasn't me, I'm home. But I did ask where he was, because I did forget to stop and pick some stuff up and thought if he was there he could, but he was already out of town. So in a round about way I found out where he was and where he was headed yet for the day. I also asked if he would want anything to eat when he got home, he said probably not he was stuffed. So here is my thought process - I know he had a blank spot in his day because one of his appts moved to Tuesday, he's stuffed, it's OW's birthday, he wanted to know where I was and even called to find out. H and OW had lunch together, which is why he's stuffed. But on the other hand we had more contact during the day than on most days, so he was trying to reassure me too. He got home later than what has been usual for him, I was outside and wondered why he came from that direction knowing where his last appt was. HHmmm. Then H walked over to join me, and mentioned he just talked with the neighbor, which explains why he came from the direction he did. So, I have to start trusting this man who won't admit to any wrongdoing, who won't sleep with me, who won't initiate a hug or contact unless he comes to bed for a while and we exchange back rubs. Yikes! there is so much wrong yet, but I'm still chipping away at the wall between us.
Last night after chores were done, which H helped me with, I mentioned a problem with a horse. H was not happy about it, made a comment it could wait until daylight, but I ignored his comment and went to get the horse. The horse made it an easy decision, he wasn't up from pasture yet, so we all got off the hook the easy way with no dispute. We were done outside, walking to the house, H veered off a different direction. I went inside, and H came in after a while, grabbed some snacks, said he was heading back out to sit by the fire he had built. I said okay, and waited for his next step, rather than inviting myself. He finally asked if I wanted any snacks and if I would be coming out too. I said sure, and joined him in a few minutes. Maybe it wasn't nice, but I didn't want to join his own party uninvited, so I made him extend an invitation. I even joined him on the same bench. (180) Conversation was hard to keep going, but I did find a subject we yacked about for a while. Then I pulled a bench up close to the fire and laid down with my back to the fire, except I didn't get quite close enough and said so. H came up and yanked on my feet like he would pull me closer, caught me off guard and I screamed, and then he did help me pull a bench closer. Sure felt good, his help and the warm fire. Took a little nap, H moved around but stayed at the fire until it was about burned out, and we went inside. I went to bed, and as late as it was the phone rang. H answered, and then came and sat on the side of the bed to tell me about the call. I was hoping he'd get in bed with me, but didn't. I sure miss snuggle time.
This morning I may have done something really dumb. I resent an ecard that I had sent a few weeks ago that H never opened. This is what I sent last time - You're in trouble It's Kiss Day, and we're way behind. It's time to start making up for lost time. This trip is a good place to start, kisses all over, everywhere. In the driveway, in the truck, in the barn, in the stall, in the hotel, in the shower, on the cheeks, on the lips, on the neck, on the shoulders, ...... I'm hungry for you.
Added a line this time that I wish he would at least acknowledge that I sent something and I guess it was just a dumb idea, and I'm full of them. I figured he wouldn't open this one either, but guess what! he did already. Okay, now what? my guess is that he won't say anything, ignore the whole thing. My hope is that he'll send me flowers with a card saying let's get crazy together! Oh well, I can keep dreaming!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
