I've been thinking about moving over here, and never quite sure I have the confidence to feel that I belong under Piecing Our Marriage Back Together. Mostly because my H still won't admit to sticking around with me, but his real actions don't indicate anymore that he's going anywhere else. Actions speak louder than words?
Recap my ride - Mid September, 2003, I felt like a wedge came between us. It was our 10th anniversary, and I was expecting something special. I never got it, I got a husband who moved further away from me, and I let him. I assumed we were in one of the ups and downs of any marriage, I locked my up in my corner for a while and let him be alone in his corner. January, 2004, I started asking what was up, it had been too long for us to be so far apart, and no signs of him warming up. Very noncommittal in his answers, and in another month I asked if he was sticking around, and his reply was he didn't know if he would be around another week, month, or year, he didn't know. We didn't touch, we didn't talk, we just existed in a house of tension. In May of 2004, I started digging for answers, where was the guy I loved? I found cell phone bills instead, and the answers were in black and white. OW, EA/PA. I confronted him, he denied any wrong doing, blamed me for 10 years of pain and agony, but he still didn't leave. One July night we stood by the campfire until 2am, he was deciding whether to stay or go, and I finally said if you're going don't come back, and we have a lot of things coming up to cancel. He couldn't believe that I would cancel our joint plans, what? he thinks he can drive out of MY life but stick around for the fun stuff? He didn't leave, and we went to bed. We learned how to maintain our lives of living together and maintaining appearances, I was miserable but committed to the marriage. This is a 2nd for both of us, and my line to H is if we can't get it right this time how do we ever make it work another time? 2004 progressed from bad to worse, with a few better times, 2005 started off an a better note, until spring sprung, and I started pushing for a real marriage. June 2005 was the worst we ever got, and I found this place. I've grown and matured as a person and spouse, and our marriage is better than it has been since the end of 2003. But that's not good enough. We get along well and laugh, have many of the same goals and can work well together, but we don't communicate about feelings or needs. We don't sleep together in our own house except for twice in over a year, and that's been in the last few weeks. H had an injury last fall that put him out of work for 9 months, we have financial issues that are dragging us down and we are still getting back on two feet. H keeps his daily clothes in a suitcase in his work trailer, like he's always ready to drive out of my life. I think he likes to keep me guessing, keep control of the marriage. He's been coming to me more and more for backrubs, conversation, a few decisions, but it still seems overwhelming how far we still have to go to have a real marriage. To get back the best of what we had, and build our lives and be the great people we are, together. I know patience and time is the most reliable source for me. I get lonely, frustrated, angry, energetic, excited, anxious, always wanting more. I believe my H is getting the idea that I'm very tired of existing in the marriage the way he has it set up, in some ways he may even be a little concerned that I might take a step to change things and stir up the pot. We are winding down from the summer season of events that keep us hopping. Without the extreme schedule to keep us in the same loop with each other, I'm concerned we will lapse into seperate existances again. I'm hoping someone will have some fresh ideas, some valuable experience, some positive help.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
