I've been thinking about moving over here, and never quite sure I have the confidence to feel that I belong under Piecing Our Marriage Back Together. Mostly because my H still won't admit to sticking around with me, but his real actions don't indicate anymore that he's going anywhere else. Actions speak louder than words?
Recap my ride - Mid September, 2003, I felt like a wedge came between us. It was our 10th anniversary, and I was expecting something special. I never got it, I got a husband who moved further away from me, and I let him. I assumed we were in one of the ups and downs of any marriage, I locked my up in my corner for a while and let him be alone in his corner. January, 2004, I started asking what was up, it had been too long for us to be so far apart, and no signs of him warming up. Very noncommittal in his answers, and in another month I asked if he was sticking around, and his reply was he didn't know if he would be around another week, month, or year, he didn't know. We didn't touch, we didn't talk, we just existed in a house of tension. In May of 2004, I started digging for answers, where was the guy I loved? I found cell phone bills instead, and the answers were in black and white. OW, EA/PA. I confronted him, he denied any wrong doing, blamed me for 10 years of pain and agony, but he still didn't leave. One July night we stood by the campfire until 2am, he was deciding whether to stay or go, and I finally said if you're going don't come back, and we have a lot of things coming up to cancel. He couldn't believe that I would cancel our joint plans, what? he thinks he can drive out of MY life but stick around for the fun stuff? He didn't leave, and we went to bed. We learned how to maintain our lives of living together and maintaining appearances, I was miserable but committed to the marriage. This is a 2nd for both of us, and my line to H is if we can't get it right this time how do we ever make it work another time? 2004 progressed from bad to worse, with a few better times, 2005 started off an a better note, until spring sprung, and I started pushing for a real marriage. June 2005 was the worst we ever got, and I found this place. I've grown and matured as a person and spouse, and our marriage is better than it has been since the end of 2003. But that's not good enough. We get along well and laugh, have many of the same goals and can work well together, but we don't communicate about feelings or needs. We don't sleep together in our own house except for twice in over a year, and that's been in the last few weeks. H had an injury last fall that put him out of work for 9 months, we have financial issues that are dragging us down and we are still getting back on two feet. H keeps his daily clothes in a suitcase in his work trailer, like he's always ready to drive out of my life. I think he likes to keep me guessing, keep control of the marriage. He's been coming to me more and more for backrubs, conversation, a few decisions, but it still seems overwhelming how far we still have to go to have a real marriage. To get back the best of what we had, and build our lives and be the great people we are, together. I know patience and time is the most reliable source for me. I get lonely, frustrated, angry, energetic, excited, anxious, always wanting more. I believe my H is getting the idea that I'm very tired of existing in the marriage the way he has it set up, in some ways he may even be a little concerned that I might take a step to change things and stir up the pot. We are winding down from the summer season of events that keep us hopping. Without the extreme schedule to keep us in the same loop with each other, I'm concerned we will lapse into seperate existances again. I'm hoping someone will have some fresh ideas, some valuable experience, some positive help.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I feel H tapping on the door, looking in, wondering if it's safe for him to poke his head in, keeping his foot in the door so it won't slam shut. It seems right now it is his internal struggle that is keeping him at bay. Can he return to this marriage? How will I treat him? He has never admitted to his affair, he maintains he has done nothing wrong. At some point, do we need to address the past two years to move on with the future?
A few weeks ago we returned from a trip, H left his suitcase in the bedroom. I was ecstatic! that was the first time he left it in the house instead of taking it back out to his work trailer. This weekend we returned home from an overnight trip, and by the next day his suitcase was out of the house. Major let down for me. Our weekend was good, we didn't have much time to spend together, but slept in the same bed in the hotel after each doing our own events thruout the day. When we return home I always hope H will come sleep in our bed, but he doesn't.
Monday was a day that we were supposed to attend a store opening for some friends. I totally forgot about it, went to work, etc, and was happy and surprised when H came home before 5pm. Then his cell phone rang, and it was a daughter of friends wondering if we were still coming. It was a 4 hour drive, guess we won't make it. H said he hadn't forgot, but with fuel prices didn't think he wanted to spend the time and money to go. So, that makes me wonder, where the heck was he all day? So much for being happy he was home before 5pm, now I wonder how he spent his day? can I ask? NO. H gets very defensive if I ask about his schedule. I got a call from a friend of ours about her horse that was lame, and off we went to help her with him. Had a nice evening, came home and I went to bed. H sleeps in other room.
Tuesday evening it feels like H is quiet and withdrawn. Can't keep a conversation flowing with him. I can't help but get the feeling that the reason has to do with OW. Today is her birthday. I'm sure they're in contact hot and heavy this week. Last year at this time we had just returned from a trip and H was injured, unable to drive and get off the property under his own power. So OW stopped in, twice, the 2nd time on her birthday while I was home. Wasn't that cozy? Of course H had to get up and greet her, and that night he got so sick and had such a high temp I almost had to haul him into ER. I'd like to send OW a Rotten Birthday card, complete with horsesh*t in it.
Back to something positive, H did come and join me in bed for a few minutes this morning. He walked in making a comment about something on the radio, so I threw the covers back as an invitation for him to get in bed. We traded back rubs. I was happy that he came for the physical contact. I miss it so much, and my lips ache for a kiss. But I'm still trying to be his best friend while not trying to push him too much in my direction or away from me. He's tapping on the door, and opening it just a little.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
My day hasn't gone all bad, right from when H crawled in bed with me for a few minutes. I had to go out and run some errands for work, and H called work while I was out. They told him I was out but didn't know where I went, not sure why - I told them where I was going. H called my cell, and told me about an award he was winning and got a call about what he would like engraved on it. It was nice he would share his happiness with me. Later, I was working on some volunteer stuff we are both involved in, and called him with some new found information with a deadline. He actually answered my call! That doesn't happen too much. But today, being OW's birthday, I was glad to hear his voice and that he had time to take my call.
I really do think OW has declined in status to FF, but I am having a hard time accepting that for sure. More time is needed to grasp that fact. But I feel a shift in H's loyalties more to me and our home, he's coming home earlier, I see genuine smiles on his face and in his eyes. I'm working on figuring out the next phases in our lives, and how to jump up another notch.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW! Thanks for posting on my thread--I'm so glad to find you here! Sounds like we're having some similar feelings here. I know patience and time are the keys, but I'm ready to dynamite the lock some days. Hang in there, sister!
WCW - Welcome to Piecing Congratulations on turning things around with H - I remember the time when NG too shifted loyalties from OW back to me, although even after that it took him a good 6 months to completely cease contact with OW.
Boy, I tell ya, turning things around? this has been the longest largest curve to turn around on. I really never thought I'd be in this spot, if I ever found out about something like that was going on it was over. Easy to say when it's not happening, then bang! it happened. Makes you look at life in a whole different way and the person you thought you were.
I got yet another call from H late afternoon. Golly? twice in one day? He was driving by a store and thought he saw the little white can I'm currently driving (gas saver) buzz into the parking lot. Called to see where I was, now THAT's weird! I said it wasn't me, I'm home. But I did ask where he was, because I did forget to stop and pick some stuff up and thought if he was there he could, but he was already out of town. So in a round about way I found out where he was and where he was headed yet for the day. I also asked if he would want anything to eat when he got home, he said probably not he was stuffed. So here is my thought process - I know he had a blank spot in his day because one of his appts moved to Tuesday, he's stuffed, it's OW's birthday, he wanted to know where I was and even called to find out. H and OW had lunch together, which is why he's stuffed. But on the other hand we had more contact during the day than on most days, so he was trying to reassure me too. He got home later than what has been usual for him, I was outside and wondered why he came from that direction knowing where his last appt was. HHmmm. Then H walked over to join me, and mentioned he just talked with the neighbor, which explains why he came from the direction he did. So, I have to start trusting this man who won't admit to any wrongdoing, who won't sleep with me, who won't initiate a hug or contact unless he comes to bed for a while and we exchange back rubs. Yikes! there is so much wrong yet, but I'm still chipping away at the wall between us.
Last night after chores were done, which H helped me with, I mentioned a problem with a horse. H was not happy about it, made a comment it could wait until daylight, but I ignored his comment and went to get the horse. The horse made it an easy decision, he wasn't up from pasture yet, so we all got off the hook the easy way with no dispute. We were done outside, walking to the house, H veered off a different direction. I went inside, and H came in after a while, grabbed some snacks, said he was heading back out to sit by the fire he had built. I said okay, and waited for his next step, rather than inviting myself. He finally asked if I wanted any snacks and if I would be coming out too. I said sure, and joined him in a few minutes. Maybe it wasn't nice, but I didn't want to join his own party uninvited, so I made him extend an invitation. I even joined him on the same bench. (180) Conversation was hard to keep going, but I did find a subject we yacked about for a while. Then I pulled a bench up close to the fire and laid down with my back to the fire, except I didn't get quite close enough and said so. H came up and yanked on my feet like he would pull me closer, caught me off guard and I screamed, and then he did help me pull a bench closer. Sure felt good, his help and the warm fire. Took a little nap, H moved around but stayed at the fire until it was about burned out, and we went inside. I went to bed, and as late as it was the phone rang. H answered, and then came and sat on the side of the bed to tell me about the call. I was hoping he'd get in bed with me, but didn't. I sure miss snuggle time.
This morning I may have done something really dumb. I resent an ecard that I had sent a few weeks ago that H never opened. This is what I sent last time - You're in trouble It's Kiss Day, and we're way behind. It's time to start making up for lost time. This trip is a good place to start, kisses all over, everywhere. In the driveway, in the truck, in the barn, in the stall, in the hotel, in the shower, on the cheeks, on the lips, on the neck, on the shoulders, ...... I'm hungry for you.
Added a line this time that I wish he would at least acknowledge that I sent something and I guess it was just a dumb idea, and I'm full of them. I figured he wouldn't open this one either, but guess what! he did already. Okay, now what? my guess is that he won't say anything, ignore the whole thing. My hope is that he'll send me flowers with a card saying let's get crazy together! Oh well, I can keep dreaming!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
That sounds like a pretty good time with your H. I'm glad things seem to be coming around for you. It's about time. I think the card was a good idea. It shows you care about them but they don't "have" to return anything for it. I do that for XH. I bought him a book on steaks and wrote a note saying "Hope this inspires you. Love, me" and to my surprise he still has that note sitting with his paperwork even though he just went through it all yesterday and threw out a bunch. So maybe even though they don't say it, those little things we do matter to them.
Got a question for you - I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around all this. Is this line of thinking closer to where I need to be? I know I love him and I know he loves me. I continue to be there for him, to listen and comfort and to push when needed, coming from a place of love. His mood swings, attitude, lack of concern for my needs (90% of the time), and even FF don't really matter in all this and should not affect my mood or what I'm trying to accomplish, which is getting our R back on track.
That's sure a great statement. I think if you can remember that and follow it you should be able to stay in a better frame of mind and stay level. I know - it isn't easy. Dealing with their mood swings and lack of feeling for what we want gets discouraging. But I keep remembering the wonderful guy I know my H is, and I'm seeing little fragments coming back. The hard part is to let that continue to develop within him and not push him so hard that he suppresses it again. His major LL is physical touch, we always slept touching, hugs all the time, sat next to each other touching, held hands while walking somewhere, even while riding. If I wasn't close enough he would physically move me closer. It is so hard not to touch him now, unless he moves close to me. The only time that happens is if he comes to bed or in the shower. The rest of the time we don't touch, it's weird. I can't figure out how to break that routine. Sometimes when we pass I'll let my fingers drift across him, but I haven't asked for a hug in quite a while. It's been working better for me to let him come for the touch, but in the meantime I am curling up from withdrawal. My lips physically ache for a kiss. Is that possible? I don't think I'll be able to go without a hug much longer....I'm sort of needy that way too. And maybe, here's a thought - he's been coming to me with 'excuses' to come to bed for a while, it's time I jump his bones! Oh wow! initiate? quit holding back and walking on eggshells around him. I forgot that, I've been reserved for the last few weeks while we were gone and concentrating on the competition event we were at. Hey, that's all over and we done good! Now it's time to put some fire under pot again. Thanks Hope for making me think all this stuff out in this post!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
IMO - jump him! What's it going to hurt? He says no, well so you wait a little while longer before you try it again. But what if he says yes and it's the hit on the head he's been needing to get things going a little better? Just remember that if it does happen, there might be a backlash with him hiding for a while. Just keep that goal in mind!
Congratulations on turning things around with H - I remember the time when NG too shifted loyalties from OW back to me, although even after that it took him a good 6 months to completely cease contact with OW. 
Slowly