Two topics come to mind for me today: MLC and WAS, but they are intertwined, so maybe it's just one subject.
Do you ever take a moment to look at the really bad times in your marriage/previous marriage? Or is it more natural for the LBS to look at the good times and forget the bad. Look at the positive things about the WAS/XS and forget the bad? Were the clues really that subtle or did we recognize the clues, but just not give a rip because we didn't think they were serious or would lead to divorce? Just some stuff I've been wondering about. It seems that when the bomb drops that suddenly the behavior is completely foreign to us, as though the act of our spouse dropping the bomb resulted in the change. We didn't realize it before and then suddenly "kablooey" the bomb goes off and our WAS/XS is in full blown MLC and start acting crazy. Don't you think that they were acting that way for quite some time while we ignored it? Perhaps they even asked us to do some of the things that they are now doing, but we refused. It just doesn't seem conceivable to me that we just were oblivious to the signs. I think we noticed or were actually told and we just disregarded it.
Anyway, I was thinking about my own marriage. It had its good points and we had good times. And if we were to try again I feel I could do better. But there were bad times, downright miserable times. The marriage adversely affected the relationship I had with my kids and other people. The anger came quickly. I think I was more critical. And I don't think improvements in these areas are solely attributable to DBing. Much of the improvements were made possible by being separated from probably the biggest source of stress, the relationship with my now XW. I remember times I thought about leaving. And perhaps the only difference between the LBS and WAS is that they were the ones to take the plunge and get out. I guess maybe that indicates they weren't as willing to work through the problems. Love has peaks and valleys and there were times when my love for my XW was definitely in a valley, but I didn't walk away. If my love was at a nadir and I met someone else, as my XW did, would I have taken the bait as well?
Anyway, I'm just rambling; taking a stroll down memory lane to look at some of the bad memories. Although it's easy to say the walk-away is a quitter and selfish, it can't be that easy to just give up on a marriage. Maybe that's why there is often someone waiting in the wings, because they need the added incentive to go from potential walk away to walk-away. I kind of respect that my wife walked away from a secure future to an uncertain one because she felt strongly that she was right. That really took guts and conviction. So once you've taken the plunge, divorced your spouse, and find yourself with freedom, but alone, what do you do? Maybe get a little crazy and do stuff you normally wouldn't or stuff that seem off base for the person we knew. Not sure I can blame my X for that or think it's MLC or alien behavior. Heck, I've gotten a little more crazy myself since I got free.
Well, I'm done rambling. Have a nice weekend.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
