I am going to be a bit blunt and maybe at this point unpopular. But I will take the chance, if I offend someone I am sorry.
What is your goal? Do you want your XW back? Do you want to move on?
Being negative about DBing or being sarcastic about others wondering what the "look" from their X meant, etc will not help you obtain any goal.
Thinking people need a reality check is ok, but are you doing it because you are frustrated that Dbing is not working for you? Please rethink what your trying to achieve by being negative.
If you want your X back really DB, if you don't want your X back DB to get your life back on track with a positive outlook.
Comments pertaining to your reality check you tried (unsuccessfully) to intiate on the bb. Many of them are still caught in the post-D fantasy of, "it is only a matter of time and the X will see the light." I guess it takes longer than 8 to 10 years.
Are you trying to prove that that this is all a waste of time?
I will prove you wrong, in my case I will continue to change and do what ever it takes to keep my family together.
I don't give up easy, I once scored 25 pts in the second half of a basketball game, we were down by 16 at the half. I refused to lose because I knew our team was better, I took a leadership role, took the chance of ticking off a few teammates just for the chance of winning.(my goal was to win) The best player on the team was not a leader, I took the chance of offending him, I told him to get his game together and bring it in the second half. We won, he iced the game with his last free throw.
If we would have lost I could have been laughed at for my extended efforts to win, maybe I would have been told to get a reality check, its just too much work and uncool to try so hard for what you want. (It was only a game, but the goal was to win)
I for one want my family together, the D papers mean nothing now, we are working together on our R and as a team to take care of our children. My real changes came after the D, so what if its post D, I will be the person she can't resist, the person she has fun with, the person she is comforted by and we will be together happily watching our grandchildren someday.
If you are not interested in getting your X back, change your focus to something positive instead of trying to convince others they are stupid for trying to win.
Nice way of saying..."if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all". But this is just a discussion and it's my thread. You don't have to read it. Neither of us are saying give up. I, for one, am saying that sometimes a little reality doesn't hurt. Not every word or gesture means everything. In fact most probably don't. DBing doesn't call for looking at every little thing and saying..."now that's progress..my XW was wearing the earrings I bought her for Xmas!!". Too much time spent on analyzing your XS means less time focusing on your own growth.
We all deal with this different ways. For you it's purpose driven life. For me, it's not getting too wrapped up in what my XW is doing or thinking or about taking a reality check every once in a while. Ya know, I have a good relationship with my XW....a friendship. And she never throws anything from our marriage in my face (ie that's just like you...doing this or that, just like when we were married!) and indicates that she thinks I'm a great guy. I would say that's reasonably successful DBing. If we are ever a couple again it is going to be on equal footing, not on the basis of me giving up everything that I am in exchange for her.
Am I still trying to get my XW back? Don't know. If she came back claiming she loved me I would wonder what the catch was and how long it would be before she left. I'm surprised you don't have a little of that pessimism. I need to know that she's actually intending to have a mature, longlasting adult relationship with me before I would even live with her again. She essentially on probation with me. And that isn't anger over the past, I don't have that problem. That's reality. She quit and ran away.
I'm happy for you jdd and glad you made the changes for the better. I hope it holds up. That your XW continues to grow too.
But I think that this area doesn't have to be just about warm and fuzziness. A little pessimism and realism can be sprinkled in with the optimism. I was only trying to point out that I've been divorced 8 years from my first wife and I have every bit the "good interactions" that we are looking at and claiming are progress towards reconciliation. They may be, but it's going to take patience and more than good basketball skills.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Thinking people need a reality check is ok, but are you doing it because you are frustrated that Dbing is not working for you? Please rethink what your trying to achieve by being negative.
I never answered this fully. I think I did say that I felt DBing was working for me. What am I trying to acheive? I'm giving a little perspective that others perhaps haven't had...what it is like 8 years after divorce and the perspective that the little signs are still there to be looked at if you care to make a big deal out of them. I wrote that because perhaps there would be some benefit, but if that's not the perception then I won't bother. It really doesn't matter to me. Have a nice day!
W
P.S. You offended me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Comments pertaining to your reality check you tried (unsuccessfully) to intiate on the bb. Many of them are still caught in the post-D fantasy of, "it is only a matter of time and the X will see the light." I guess it takes longer than 8 to 10 years.
Who were you referring to????
This section of the bb is for people that are "Divorced but not done", ei they have hope. No I don't have to read your thread and I won't unless you want help with your sit. If you are posting in this section of the BB and are truly done with a R with your X, why not move to Surviving.
JDD
PS I will stay away from your thread because you don't want help, instead you want to make jokes about those of us who still are trying.
I wasn't referring to anyone because I didn't write it.
Quote: This section of the bb is for people that are "Divorced but not done", ei they have hope
And they always have that? And they never are pessimistic? Quote from guess who...one month ago
Quote: Well folks I think I can finally say I have had it with her. I am sick of her mood swings and demands. She has finally driven me to the point of feeling like a worthless dog. I have to get out of here soon.
This morning she was flirting on the phone with some other man directly in front of me. Needless to say I cursed for atleast an hour about all of the hurt and pain she has caused me and the kids.
I think it had to come to this, you can DB, act "as if" for so long, you can only be pushed so far. I wanted to find someone that will love me, not beat me down, flirt with OM, have multiple PAes and then expect me to do everything for her.
So don't give me the attitude. Negativity alternates with positivity on this thread. Did I ever say I quit? That I'm done? I said...I don't know.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think Wes is hurting right now. He is having to adjust to losing a central R in his life and he is trying to keep positive by looking at new perspectives. Since we are his friends, he naturally wants to share those perspectives with us here on this BB so I don't think we should be telling him to move to another forum.
D and post-D is a painful place to be in, and as well as being a forum for those of us who are not 'done', we should be supportive of those LBS's who have fought the good fight and want to 'drop the rope'.
I myself walked away from Andy last time, but I would have been very upset if someone had asked me to leave here.
I know that Wes very much wants to see you reconciled with your XW, and he would like it if Andy started treating me better. If Wes had his way, he would rather his XW had not even left him.
He was merely stating his opinion on the subject of post-D R's and I'm sure not intending to put you down or anyone else on here that DB's.
I think that during these difficult times, we should all perhaps make a few more allowances for each other.
I wasn't saying that at all...before the rant I was trying to say that my XW put cyanide in my coffee and tried to electocute me. That's all. I did put a positive spin on it...I said she loved me so much she was making all these dramatic gestures. Where's the negativity in that?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I get it. It just occurred to me. I mentioned the hitman, electrocution, cyanide thing and then said I'm moving to piecing and that's when jdd mentioned the sarcasm..etc. Did you think I was referring to when you said you would soon be going to piecing? If so, I wasn't.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: If Wes had his way, he would rather his XW had not even left him.
This is fun. I've missed the board and the lively reparte'. I never, ever said that. But now that you mention it...I would rather she hadn't left so that I could be the WAS this time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
