I've up to this point refrained from posting this because it is very pessimistic, but I decided that you can take it for what it's worth.
Update: XW mentioned parent/teacher conferences when I stopped to pick up the kids. She called right after to confirm when my youngest son's conference was. She was very talkative, nice, jovial on the phone. She called again at 10 to ask me a question that was up my alley. We discussed that for 15-20 minutes. She does feel reasonably free calling me and does come to the door to talk. She even offered spontaneously for me to take the kids out tonight which is something she doesn't usually do.
Are these all positive signs? Are things on the right track?
In case you didn't figure it out...I was talking about my first XW, a woman I have been divorced from for 8 years and have no interest in having a relationship with other than coparenting. We've been civil, even friendly (with the exception of occasional blow-ups) since the divorce.
I don't think about her at all. I don't wonder what she's thinking. I don't wonder or care if she misses me. I don't analyze whether she has regrets. She is someone that is the mother of my children and that is it. I moved on and made a new life with someone else and was and still am generally happy with my life. Life goes on. I would actually be horrified to think that those are signs that she's interested in me, even though when the shoes on the other foot we look at those same signs and interpret them as signs of things going in the right direction.
Positive interactions happen even to divorced couples that aren't DBing. I think it depends on the people, but friendly interactions and civility are easy. And they don't mean that the spouse is reconsidering. My first XW has had 8 years to come back crying how she would like to try again. The reality is that we are both happier divorced.
I just wrote that because I think quite a few people on here are on their first divorce and don't have the perspective of time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Oh I so agree with you on this one. My first XH (yep, current XH is #2), and I have been divorced for almost 10 years. There is no way in hell I would ever think of letting him back in my life. Granted, he was an awful person and the only really good thing he ever did in his life was help create D11. We don't have a relationship at all. He decided to run when D11 was 1 1/2. We haven't heard or seen him in about 9 years. I can honestly say that life is better for both me and D11 because of it.
So maybe I can't really agree with you here. My experiance with XH1 is different because he's not around. But I know that when he was I didn't look to every interaction with him as did he want to come back or not. When we were done, we were done for good.
I'm not depressed. Maybe a little pragmatic. I know there is no cookie cutter for everyone's relationships. But I just wanted to introduce a reality check. And I would like to say that in every situation where I've heard people getting back together (successfully) post D, both people, but especially the LBS, have moved on with their life. And I also wanted to point out that it is entirely possible to have a good relationship with a new person post-D and that you realize in retrospect that the person you pined away for really wasn't the cat's meow. Maybe I'm just playing bubble burster today.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Comments pertaining to your reality check you tried (unsuccessfully) to intiate on the bb. Many of them are still caught in the post-D fantasy of, "it is only a matter of time and the X will see the light." I guess it takes longer than 8 to 10 years.
Another perspective I find curious is this analyzing in regards to prior behavior. Wes is saying, "huh?" Allow me.
During the marriage, for the most part, we did not OVERANALYZE every action, reaction (some), conversation, phone call, look (well only that certain look that meant, well you know), hairstyle, conversation, question, etc.
We went through the relationship as a seemingly normal couple. We did not wonder what they were doing all day or when they would call or if they would be angry or civil or happy or ignore us. All emotions common in a relationship. We dealt (not always successfully) with the daily parts of a relationship.
We did not calculate our words or actions in hopes of getting a specific response or reaction (unless we were being a typical male jerk).
So I am curious why, now, after the marriage is over and there is no reason to be overly concerned with the actions and reactions of the other person, the LBS goes into this defensive, reactive mode?
When the person the X was first attracted to, was nothing like the person you have become?
But what if your X says to you that you look hot and that you're so sexy he/she just wants to f**k you?? Because that's exactly what mine said to me on Sunday! and 'go on, admit it, you want to touch me.'
Just what conclusions do I draw as the LBS, then? Sometimes, Bruce, when they look at you 'like that', they ARE looking at you 'like that', and not just in your imagination either.
I can safely say that for all the times I have thought about my X, he has been thinking about me at least for half the number of times I have thought of him, so it sometimes isn't as black and white as they've left you and the only one who is bothered is you.
I must admit though, when he first left I was ALWAYS thinking about him because I missed him (I think that's why the LBS does it, lonliness), and these days I don't wonder what he is up to except on special ocassions or like today with it being FIL's funeral, I wonder how he is coping.
I think all LBS's have the potiential to become MORE than they were in the M, once they get passed the lonliness of being single again.
It came to me that there is an inherent flaw in "being the person they fell in love with." The problem is that was based largely on physical attraction and superficial things. The person they fell in love with is also the same one they fell out of love with. So we do need to be cognizant to the negative aspects of ourselves...that is...if we find them to be undesirable...not the WAS/XS. Just because they find being gregarious something they don't like doesn't mean you should change. The way we were, the men/women that didn't analyze or look at actions, failed to recognize that the marriage was in serious trouble. We do have to be a little more observant in the future.
But I'm not disagreeing with you. Looking so closely at everything is probably more harm than good.
Jo, I worry that Andy's focus is all physical. He talks about wanting to f**k you and that you look sexy and that he thinks you want him too. That sounds like a horney guy to me. Does he ever compliment you on your brains, your initiative, your skills, your mothering? Simply showing a lustful look and expressing a want for sex doesn't sound much different than trying to pick up a sleezy girl at the bar. Forgive me for my bluntness, but he doesn't show you love in any other areas that you find important...well anyone would find important. If I were you, he would have to show me that I meant more than someone to have sex with.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Absolutely, that's why I didn't f**k him when he said so,
I'm merely pointing out that sometimes there IS interest, on what level is another matter.
BTW, I thought I'd also point out that he uses the F word because I do (I only write it as ML on here because it's politically correct).
He used to say ML early in the R when we first met, until I told him I preferred the F word so since then he says that. It's more to do with my preference than him being an insensitive pig.
He has said I'm talented re my writing, but you're right, he NEVER compliments me on my mothering. But at any rate, Bruce said that LBS's are always misreading or reading too much into it when the WAS looks at them 'that way', and I was just using my X as an example of someone who really does look 'that way', not infering that I think we have a great R, which we evidently don't.
Yesterday, I narrowly avoided the bullet from a hitman's gun which instead struck a co-worker. The smell of bitter almonds alerted me at the last minute to the cyanide in my coffee this morning. Later, while I lounged in the tub, a toaster flew out of nowhere and landed in the tub with me. Fortunately the toaster came unplugged just before it hit the water.
These things that keep happening our really weird. I sat an analyzed and decided it's my wife's doing. She must really love me to try to get my attention in such dramatic fashion. I think I'm ready to move over to piecing.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
