Joe_negativity's updates:

[Just_Me]

Hi there,

Thanks everyone for dropping by. I guess I could update a little.

I do agree BigAl that "being me" is altered based on circumstances. But are you sure that part of the problem with marriages is that you aren't yourself until they are suitably trapped in a marriage and then you start doing the things you avoided before? That seems a little unfair to not let them know you intend to wear your holey underwear or fart in public when you're married. I'm sure you know that it's within reason.

Really what I meant by that is when you start out this DBing you do 180s that sometimes are pretty stupid, you plaster this stupid grin on your face, and you act on "I don't care". While it's okay to a certain extent, you can easily take it too far and stop being true to yourself. So by being me, my XW will get to see how I intend to be for the rest of the relationship with her...be it as friends or more. That way there are no surprises.

Okay so what have I been up to: Well, currently I either hear from the XW by e-mail or phone once or twice a day, we'll go to a meal maybe 2-3 times per week, she'll drop over to the house occasionally, her son stays over occasional, her daughter less often, we hug most times, occasionally I'll tell her she looks good, occasionally a back rub, she'll sit on my lap, and once or twice I might have mentioned that I love her. Pretty much status quo and no change from 2-3 months ago. In reality, we've seemed to reach a plateau where we are friends and very comfortable together. I have mixed feelings about my relationship. It's nice to do things with someone I'm completely familiar with. Basically it's like going on a date with your wife...you can very easily be yourself. On the other hand I'm starting to come to a point that when I think about a marriage to her again that I'm not that excited with the prospect. I enjoy my independence and free time. I even dread the possibility that I'll drive home from work and she'll be there.

I think she'll probably be moving away when the school year is over. She says she isn't sure yet, but she has expressed that she would prefer not living here and she doesn't have a full time job. I told her yesterday that I didn't wanted her to find a job that she would find fulfilling and I'd be fine with her moving away. I think if she was back with me that from a professional/personal standpoint that she wouldn't be satisfied. I hope she finds something that interests her. Right now I feel like we just wouldn't work out. Friends is enough.

It's really hard to express my feelings. I'm not even sure I have a handle on them. As Bruce always says, I've never really been divorced from her or her from me. We haven't cut the cord. Possibly the pseudo-DBing I did kept things in limbo land. Personally I'm not completely disappointed in how things worked out. If we had went our separate ways I probably would have pined for her longer. And if she had actually come back to the marriage I don't know if we could have made it work. Part of the reason I don't bother writing is that things haven't changed really except the rollercoaster has kind of settled into a minor kiddie ride. No big ups and downs really. I think that the hills are bigger when your mood hangs on whether you are acheiving success or not in getting your spouse back. When you are mostly indifferent to the future of the relationship it's much easier not to worry about ups and downs.