An R may continue to exist b/t the WAS and the LBS. It can take the place as mere bitter ex's, as co-parents, as friends... But it can continue to exist.
Traditional and western view of the person views that each person as an island, unaffected or influenced by others. This is the root of why most traditional MC fails - b/c therapists treat the individual, not the R. Michelle's DB books do a wonderful job of highlighting how the changes in one person can pull the partner into a different way of being.
I have lived this experience in various ways in my sitch. When I've been more combative, so has XW. When I've been kinder, friendlier, so has she. Am I controlling her? No way. But do we affect one another. Yes - that's the interaction b/t the person and their social context.
The WAS can be very confused or straightthinking and purposeful. But they remain human, and as social animals, they are affected by others. Including us.
Now, grasshopper, plant that kernel of truth, and watch it grow.
