I get the impression, more often that not and I may be completely wrong, you go through the cycles, then go back to what you what you were doing, and convince yourself this is your true self, your behavior and not some forced behavior.
You do something, get irritated, decided not to do it for awhile, then go back to the earlier behavior and convince yourself your actions are positive.
Does this make any sense?
It seems you are trying to convince yourself what you are doing is ok.
And it clearly is cyclical and when you do decide to change it up, "do something different," you go back to previous behavior, because you are convinced it is what works.
You tell yourself and her you cannot be around as only friends, but you still want to be around her (there was not a period of no contact) and convince yourself why.
And you know what and I've said this before, it works for you.
