You must be new to the board(wink wink) so I'll try to do my best with giving you my 2 cents.
To do anything but to be our true selves serves no purpose. The problem with masking is that no one can keep it up for very long. Sooner or later our true selves have to come out, or we just won't be happy. Of course there will always be something that can be fine tuned within ourselves but the change has to be something that we want.
What if you were to get into a completely different relationship and this time you tried to be whatever that person wanted you to be? I couldn't blame you. After all, it would be easy to fall into the thinking that your true self wasn't good enough after what you've been through. Even with the start of casual or work relationships we all tend to be on our best behavior not trusting that being ourselves will be either acceptable or good enough. So after the 'honeymoon period', then what? Our true colors have to show through at some point. When it comes to an intimate relationship, shouldn't we feel safe enough to be able to show who we really are with no repercussions?
My point I guess is that we are who we are. You know, DBing was a good thing but for me, not my marriage. I have always questioned the going dark and the validating even when if went against how I felt. I swallowed so many words and took so much abuse all in the name of saving my marriage, and I changed things that I knew wouldn't solve the problems. In my case if my husband said I don't like the way you do this, ok I can change that. Then there was something else, so I changed that. Until 1 day I realized that it would always be something because he wasn't happy with him. It never really was me as I would bet that it's not you!
The biggest mistake we make is to try be be some else's happiness. Why? I don't believe for a second that there isn't someone else out there would would cherish us for the very reasons we were told by our spouses that we just weren't what they need!
Feeling free to be real is what a healthy relationship is all about.
