Ever notice the cycle I repeatedly go through? Or is it more up and down? I find clarity in one way and I feel good, then through some event or another I lose my focus or get a new focus and then I'm negative or down. I was on the negative/down side for quite a bit of last week and this weekend. Maybe roughly around the time I changed the name to Joe_negativity. I said the name because I intend to change it again after I type this.

I feel best when I act the way that goes most with my personality, obviously restraining the undesirable parts or getting too crazy. But nonetheless, I feel best when I'm not thinking about any of this; when I'm not trying to determine what is the right or wrong thing to do, what I feel or don't feel, what puts me closer or further from my goals. I feel best when I'm simply living in the moment and being myself. We all have the ability to know what works and what doesn't work in every other aspect of our life, at least to some extent. I know in my R with friends, coworkers, etc what doesn't work or at the very least after I've done something that didn't work and get a negative response I know it didn't work and avoid it in the future. Why do I need to analyze whether what I did "worked"?

Let's say I went all dark and started acting really mysterious and then my XW suddenly "woke up" and started becoming interested in me. Would that really be for the best? A little bit of time with me and she would stop missing me and realize there isn't much of a mystery and then she'd lose interest. Plus, she would be attracted to the person that isn't me. I don't want that. I want to be liked for the person I have become. So if by hanging out together nothing changes I haven't lost anything. I was true to myself and it just didn't work out. She didn't want the real me. That's not so bad because at least I showed her the real me. I'm not down on this process at all. I think fixing the things about yourself that are undesirable (to yourself) is an ambition we should all strive for even if we are in a good relationship or not one at all. Being the best you can be is never wrong (unless of course you are trying to be the best possible serial killer or something). And I'm not saying..."I feel like pursuing like crazy so I'm going to drive her nuts with begging, pleading, etc". If we find who we are, then we shouldn't feel a need to be so "needy".

So, there is my musing for the day. You know what I mean?

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt