Yeah, I didn't know I could do this, so my thanks to Mr. Negativity for showing the way. I thought it best since SO and I have had that blog issue. This may come up in the future and I was looking for a tad more anonymity (sp????).
"High Venusian," huh? I LOVE it! Don't be surprised if I try that one on for size sometime!
Quote: You could try leaving some advice. Or do I already know it?
Huh...I don't know, do you?
What kind of advice would you like, honey? I could share a couple of insights that I'm seeing on this particular thread, but I'm still trying to sort out how much is dark humor and how big the grain of truth is.
Here's one for you, though...For someone who is so negative, I sure do read a lot of hope in your tag line.
I haven't posted anything of substance on here in quite a while. I guess maybe I thought it helped me take my mind off things.
Anyway, I'll summarize: I called my XW on Thursday. I wanted to here from her whether she was moving since her kids talk about it all the time and there are mixed feelings about that. She didn't know. For whatever reason I had a major R talk with her. I indicated that I wanted things from her that she couldn't provide and that we aren't on the same page or even the same book. I told her I wasn't able to be around her solely as her friend. I said I loved her but I didn't want to see her any more.
Well, by Friday I sent her a note just to let her know when my son had his soccer game which she previously had been coming to and to let her know some of the agenda for his birthday. I was surprised when she showed up. We talked pretty much the whole game. Just innocent stuff. She started to tell me about a dream she had that included "us" as in the whole family (if that's what you call us) and then said she couldn't do it. Anyway, that's just an aside. She asked if I wanted to take my son's present or could she drop it off and I told her to drop it later. So we did the opening presents stuff and went to dinner. I invited her. She didn't expect it. And that also was fine. The usual. Natural.
So then we went back to silent until yesterday. She called in the morning and wished me a happy birthday and asked, somewhat tentatively, whether I wanted to grab dinner after work. Her kids also wished me a happy b-day which was sweet. For whatever reason yesterday was bittersweet. I haven't had such an affair made of my b-day in years...even when I was married. The people at work were sweet. But I felt sad.
Dinner last night was fine. I opened the presents from the kids and my XW (obviously she paid for them all and that includes a present that my son picked out). They were all very nice and showed her obvious influence, her and my son. It was a very sweet gesture. But I was still sad. And after dinner I did my stupid, pursuing, deep relationship talk thing and even though it was mainly negative, it was like I was suddenly relieved. I felt happy immediately after, as though rejection is great. Maybe I thrive on it. Her kids stayed over and I saw her a bit this morning when she came to get them. Of course I hugged her because that's what I do.
So that's how things are. I'm not analyzing here. I do what I do and she does what she does and somewhere in between I'll figure out exactly what I want out of life. I think it's to be happy. I saw the play "you can't take it with you" that my son at the last minute was in. That was its take home message....you should pursue what makes you happy.
Meanwhile I have been working on enjoying the virtual company of friends...at least during the day. Some chatting, etc with a very nice girl here at work. There isn't anything but friendship to it, but that's good too. I think I'll let things just stew a while and not think.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Ever notice the cycle I repeatedly go through? Or is it more up and down? I find clarity in one way and I feel good, then through some event or another I lose my focus or get a new focus and then I'm negative or down. I was on the negative/down side for quite a bit of last week and this weekend. Maybe roughly around the time I changed the name to Joe_negativity. I said the name because I intend to change it again after I type this.
I feel best when I act the way that goes most with my personality, obviously restraining the undesirable parts or getting too crazy. But nonetheless, I feel best when I'm not thinking about any of this; when I'm not trying to determine what is the right or wrong thing to do, what I feel or don't feel, what puts me closer or further from my goals. I feel best when I'm simply living in the moment and being myself. We all have the ability to know what works and what doesn't work in every other aspect of our life, at least to some extent. I know in my R with friends, coworkers, etc what doesn't work or at the very least after I've done something that didn't work and get a negative response I know it didn't work and avoid it in the future. Why do I need to analyze whether what I did "worked"?
Let's say I went all dark and started acting really mysterious and then my XW suddenly "woke up" and started becoming interested in me. Would that really be for the best? A little bit of time with me and she would stop missing me and realize there isn't much of a mystery and then she'd lose interest. Plus, she would be attracted to the person that isn't me. I don't want that. I want to be liked for the person I have become. So if by hanging out together nothing changes I haven't lost anything. I was true to myself and it just didn't work out. She didn't want the real me. That's not so bad because at least I showed her the real me. I'm not down on this process at all. I think fixing the things about yourself that are undesirable (to yourself) is an ambition we should all strive for even if we are in a good relationship or not one at all. Being the best you can be is never wrong (unless of course you are trying to be the best possible serial killer or something). And I'm not saying..."I feel like pursuing like crazy so I'm going to drive her nuts with begging, pleading, etc". If we find who we are, then we shouldn't feel a need to be so "needy".
So, there is my musing for the day. You know what I mean?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You must be new to the board(wink wink) so I'll try to do my best with giving you my 2 cents.
To do anything but to be our true selves serves no purpose. The problem with masking is that no one can keep it up for very long. Sooner or later our true selves have to come out, or we just won't be happy. Of course there will always be something that can be fine tuned within ourselves but the change has to be something that we want.
What if you were to get into a completely different relationship and this time you tried to be whatever that person wanted you to be? I couldn't blame you. After all, it would be easy to fall into the thinking that your true self wasn't good enough after what you've been through. Even with the start of casual or work relationships we all tend to be on our best behavior not trusting that being ourselves will be either acceptable or good enough. So after the 'honeymoon period', then what? Our true colors have to show through at some point. When it comes to an intimate relationship, shouldn't we feel safe enough to be able to show who we really are with no repercussions?
My point I guess is that we are who we are. You know, DBing was a good thing but for me, not my marriage. I have always questioned the going dark and the validating even when if went against how I felt. I swallowed so many words and took so much abuse all in the name of saving my marriage, and I changed things that I knew wouldn't solve the problems. In my case if my husband said I don't like the way you do this, ok I can change that. Then there was something else, so I changed that. Until 1 day I realized that it would always be something because he wasn't happy with him. It never really was me as I would bet that it's not you!
The biggest mistake we make is to try be be some else's happiness. Why? I don't believe for a second that there isn't someone else out there would would cherish us for the very reasons we were told by our spouses that we just weren't what they need!
Feeling free to be real is what a healthy relationship is all about.
I get the impression, more often that not and I may be completely wrong, you go through the cycles, then go back to what you what you were doing, and convince yourself this is your true self, your behavior and not some forced behavior.
You do something, get irritated, decided not to do it for awhile, then go back to the earlier behavior and convince yourself your actions are positive.
Does this make any sense?
It seems you are trying to convince yourself what you are doing is ok.
And it clearly is cyclical and when you do decide to change it up, "do something different," you go back to previous behavior, because you are convinced it is what works.
You tell yourself and her you cannot be around as only friends, but you still want to be around her (there was not a period of no contact) and convince yourself why.
And you know what and I've said this before, it works for you.
Or do I already know it? 
And I'm not saying..."I feel like pursuing like crazy so I'm going to drive her nuts with begging, pleading, etc". If we find who we are, then we shouldn't feel a need to be so "needy".