Quote: Interesting. So, your contention is that in Hairy's silence, his not rocking the boat etc... Mrs. HD assumes that she is just the stellar spouse in all areas but the bedroom. Hairy, on the other hand is clearly deficient because there are so many things that she regularly complains about.
I watched a program last night called "Love on the Rocks". It had two segments featuring 2 couples. They do what the other sex fixing show whose name escapes me - they put several cameras in the home so they can observe the interaction.
The first couple had 3 children and the marriage was falling apart. The 3 little girls were tailing dad around clamoring for his attention and it was clear that he considered them an irritant. Both parents worked full-time, but mom was pulling the load on errands and house work. One scene showed them on the couch and she was telling him that he had hurt her feelings recently by insulting her in public. He then proceeded to tell her that she really did look like Shamu and that it was very funny and she just needed to get a sense of humor. When she continued to protest that it wasn't funny, he then went on to tell her "you're right, you don't look like Shamu, with that haircut, you look more like Quasimodo" and then he went into a rant that included several variations of "you're an f'ing FITB". She expressed how tired she was several times, at one point he asked her what she wanted from him and she said, "sympathy". He then mockingly stroked her arm 3 times while repeating the word "sympathy".
The second couple had been married for about 3 years, and he had last had sex with her back sometime in 2004 around the time of the NBA playoffs. She wouldn't let him sleep in her bed, her normal tone of conversation was at about 120 decibels, and she was constantly telling him that she thought that he was making her skin breakout everytime he inadvertantly brushed up against her. Her most horrific scene showed her in the kitchen, screaming at him at the top of her lungs "shut up, shut the F up, shut up shut up shut up, just Fing shut up..." rinse and repeat.
The marital counselor told him to stop sleeping on the couch. That wife was acting as if the marriage bed was a privilege which he must earn. The counselor then said, "Sleeping in the marriage bed is a right, not a privilege that must be earned." Counselor told her that if she didn't want to sleep with him, that *she* could go sleep on the couch. Husband pointed out that he really didn't have much sexual desire anymore and the counselor replied that continued rejection can destroy desire. The husband frankly came across as a whipped dog, with a smile pasted on his face and his greatest wish for the marriage? "I just want her to be nice to me."
Why am I telling you all this? Well, it's in response to the thought that the spouse must know what they are doing. I used to think the same thing, but now I'm not so sure.
I think some people's meter is so off they can't gauge accurately what they are doing or how off the plumb their thought process really is. I think some people can get such a sense of entitlement that they feel justified in lashing out at their spouse however they want.
Both of these abusive spouse's were shocked *at their own recorded behavior* but felt totally justified at the time they were engaging in it.
I think some people's internal mirror is broken. I'm not sure they can ever be reached by words, appeals or examples. Perhaps only seeing it with other's watching for critique will help them actually look at themselves and their actions.
I think we all realize that our spouses's can't hear what we *are* saying at times - I think all of us have experienced that.
Well, what if one spouse *isn't saying anything*?
We all have our idea of how we should treat other people. It's abundantly clear that our spouse may not have the same standard.
HD has been given a litany of things he must change or attend to.
