I didn't answer "of course" because that was not in the "spirit of the agreement" as I remember it. Although ML was contemplated as one of the options during this time, it was wider in scope than just that. It was supposed to be about touching, getting familiar with one another, being vulnerable.
Maybe I just need to tell W everything that was discussed in the MC session, warts and all. Maybe I need to open up and just tell her that the session turned into one big bitch session where I complained about how we fight, how W wants me to give her A pluses all the time, how I need to just exit the room when we start to fight, and how it's okay to want to make love to my wife. Why keep this information from her? It's like I'm living a secret life, in which I get to *shock* speak disapprovingly of my W, but never never tell her.
Maybe I need to stop keeping my feelings about all this to myself, and just be transparent...hey, that sounds familiar. Wasn't I supposed to be doing this...since about a month ago? Wonder why I stopped. Oh yeah, because she went ballistic about me going out to lunch with a co-worker.
I'm basically at the point where I'm starting to believe myself that it won't make a difference if I tell her everything or not...but I'll be able to live with myself as an honest man.
You see, your basic Hairdog is when you say to the spouse, in a calm, non-fight scenario, "I will not stay in a sex-less marriage forever." I did that, and although it had the benefit of getting us into counseling, W and MC suggested I back off from that because it was triggering abandonment issues in W's mind.
It seems that you are in general abiding by your W's wishes and trying do avoid triggering abandonment issues. However,
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I really don't think it will come to that, but I'm prepared to change my way of living, if necessary, for awhile. I'd consider moving to the basement. Not being as available for family stuff. Separate (if any) vacations.
This would certainly trigger abandonment issues. Why not take that option off the table? Tell her, "Honey, I love you and I am with you for the long haul. You'd better get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere."
I think we should go back to being 18. I work in a school, and I am reminded every day that 18-year-old guys will do anything to get into a girl. They don't just hint at their intentions, they are physical. The way I look at it, if I don't get nookie from my W, it's because I wasn't loving enough at the right times. Think of it like playing a slot machine. You won't know when it's ready to pay out unless you play and play often.
This is just my take on this, so bear with me. You stopped letting things out because your W did something I think is fairly typical of her...she spoke up about her displeasure, and you shut up. Exactly what she wanted you to do...she doesn't want to hear it, but she needs to.
Personally, and others may not agree with me here, but I think you ought to just let your hair down and let her hear what's on your mind. You said these things in front of the MC...you need to be able to say these things in front of your W too...or what's the point?
The only problem is...slot machines DO eventually payoff with persistence...and that generally takes you standing there putting money into it constantly. With another person you cannot constantly attend/pester them...that will have the opposite affect.
Not only that...but in my situation I could pay constant attention to my LDH and he'd do nothing but eat it up, not giving back what I need until I finally break down and say something or get angry. Also, if I'm playing a slot machine...I go in knowing I may get absolutely no return on my money, there's no emotional investment in it for me...not the same when dealing with another person.
Quote: I'm basically at the point where I'm starting to believe myself that it won't make a difference if I tell her everything or not...but I'll be able to live with myself as an honest man.
I think this is the bottom line. Your way of reacting to her doesn't seem to have any effect on HER, but it's eroding your SELF-respect.
A friend of mine has this saying posted in her office, "What you tolerate, you teach." IOW you're training her that she can treat you with disrespect. I'm not talking about backing out of the Monday thing-- I'm talking about scolding you for the lunch. You're teaching her that when she gets angry at you, it keeps you in line.
I think the lesson for you here is that her anger will not kill you. She uses it to intimidate you and keep you in your place. But if she gets angry, all you have to do is walk away. Say "I will not be in the same room with you while you speak to me that way," and leave.
Standing up to her anger will not be pleasant in the moment, but you will feel sooooo much better about yourself. AND you will be teaching her something new because of your refusal to be scolded and browbeaten.
What-- truly-- do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by standing up to her and refusing to be treated like a naughty child.
You sound like where I was several years ago, walking on eggshells so the W wouldn’t blow up over something. It gets old after a while and when you realize it’s just a form of manipulation, then you lose any hesitancy to hold back, and you start to get pissed (at least I did).
Except for the latter part, I don’t know anyway out of this other than to stand up. Every inch she gives up to you is all loss for her and all gain for you. So of course she will pitch a fit. That’s why I look at it as taming a wild horse. They’ll fight it as hard as they can, but eventually they’ll get used to it, and then they’re fine.
I'm trying to adjust to my new life, in which my W and I share a bed about half the time. I have come to the conclusion that 1) My W is interested in sex maybe one hour out of every 168 hour week, and that 2) she will not inform me directly which hour that will be, perhaps because she is as surprised as anyone when it comes.
During the other 167, she does not want to talk about sex, nor does she seem interested in any naughty innuendoes. I just have to keep checking. And it sure is easier to check when the kids aren't around!
I enjoy most of my time with W these days, and I take that to be a blessing.
Perhaps my analogy with a slot machine was a bit cold. I don't like slot machines. But I am a gambler. I'm gambling the time I spend working on the marriage will pay off in spades over time. And besides, even when my W rebuffs me, she usually does it laughing and I get a few kisses and some skinship (her word). Try doing that with a slot machine!
I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by standing up to her and refusing to be treated like a naughty child.